Mental health and infidelity

[sunnyspells]

Hi, I’m new on here and humbled by the stories I’m reading. There has never been any physical violence in my relationship and I believed we had a long and happy marriage with lovely children. A few year’s back his behaviour changed very suddenly – he started displaying what appeared to be very odd and alarming mental health symptoms (some very physical signs) and saying things he’d never said before such as I was controlling, didn’t let him have friends, made him do what I wanted him to do. These symptoms only happened when he was around me and I started to believe I was the cause. He said he needed to move out temporarily to get his head together and, though it broke our hearts, we gave him space to do that. I was keeping his GP informed and though obviously they wouldn’t break confidentiality, they stayed in touch with him and invited him for regular check ups. I encouraged him to have counselling and asked a friend to keep visiting him to check he was okay. He came back to visit from time to time but didn’t seem to be getting any better. I decided he should not return home but I came home one day after work and he’d moved back in without any negotiation. He appeared so distressed, I didn’t feel able to ask him to leave. And so began long years of caring for him and supporting his mental health, doing whatever we could to not upset him or set his symptoms off. He refused to ever talk about his feelings, what happened, or about our relationship. He said he wanted to be alone, and I said I’d support him to move out but he didn’t make any plans. There was no intimacy, but he insisted I continue to respond to his public displays of “affection” – hugs and quick kisses, holding hands – but only when others were around. If I refused, he became agitated and I felt awful for making him like that, so I complied. All other aspects of his life continued normally, he carried on working and seemed fine in social situations. I encouraged him to visit his family abroad and asked them to support him but they said there was never any evidence of anxiety. This served to make me feel even more that I was to blame and I realised people thought I was making this up or being dramatic. I felt I was going mad. Then one night I came home to a note to say he’d left the country for good and was staying with a ‘friend’ abroad. I found out from someone else he was having an affair with that woman for many years and I can pinpoint this to as far back as when his strange behaviour had begun. When he moved out for that period previously, they were living together locally until her visa expired and she had to go back overseas. When he visited his family overseas, or went on business trips he was actually visiting her. He has refused all contact since he left apart from legal and financial emails and has not contacted or asked after our childen. I had lots of counselling before he left because the contradiction in what he was saying vs what he was doing was making me crazy. After he left I had more counselling and was surprised when my counsellor said she thought I had experienced a form of emotional abuse. I’m not sure this is right. I never felt afraid, just found my self-esteem being eroded and felt like I was disappearing as a person while trying to support him, feeling tainted by his insistence I hug and kiss him while knowing he didn’t want to be with me. I still cannot shake the feeling that I somehow did this to him, that I was the abuser. I feel worthless. I am still trying to work out if his mental health was real and caused by me. Or was it caused by his guilt about his double life (which would indicate he had feelings for me at least). Or was he playing me, using whatever means he could to keep me at arm’s length while he made his plans to abandon us? If it was all a pretence at mental health then I really cannot see how I can ever trust anyone again, be kind and caring again. I am consumed with shame that I didn’t work out what was going on, that I let my children down. And we are all grieving for the sudden loss of a husband and father, as if he has died. It feels as if he has completely rewritten our whole lives together and made it something it was not. Or perhaps it’s me who is deluded. I believe he wasn’t always this man. Is this possible? I am trying to move on, to accept and to stop allowing him to have this effect on me still. I wonder if anyone else has experienced anything similar. And how you make sense of something like this. How can I be sure that I wasn’t the abuser all along? Sorry for the long post – thanks for reading.

[Lisa]

Hi Sunnyspells,

I just wanted to offer some words of encouragement here as your situation really reflects what many women experience when it comes to domestic abuse. Of course everyone’s individual situation is unique but there are many similarities when it comes to emotional abuse.

Perpetrators will often shift the blame for whatever they are doing onto the other person, or blame whatever they can to avoid taking responsibility for what they’re doing. This could be stress, alcohol, mental health, their childhood etc. If someone says they have mental health problems, your instinct is to try and help them through those problems; that just means that you are a good person who was trying to see the best in him and be supportive. But it’s important to note that there are plenty of people with mental health issues who aren’t abusive.

The fact as well that he reserved this behaviour just for you shows that he could pick and choose when he wanted to act like this, rather than it just being an inbuilt character behaviour. Abuse is often very manipulative and controlled. Perpetrators make a choice to be abusive rather than non abusive.

Lots of perpetrators blame the other person for the abuse; even if it’s not overtly they may say something or hint at something that puts the blame on you. If this happens enough it’s understandable that you would start to believe this.

I hope this helps to give you some clarity and you continue to post on the Forum. Remember you can also call the National Helpline (0808 2000 24 7) if you need, and you could also link in with a local domestic abuse service if you need some 1:1 support: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Best wishes,

Lisa,
Forum Moderator

[sunnyspells]

Thank you Lisa, that has really helped. There are still moments when I find myself worrying about him, it’s a hard habit to shake. But yes, I can see that he was choosing to behave like this, and this makes me realise that he was not worrying or caring for us as he should have been and that I no longer need to do the same for him. It’s time to move on. There are so many stories of courage and determination on here. 🙂

[diymum@1]

like Lisa has said this is often an abusive mans way out when he has met someone else. its like they pre-empt away out and they blame us. i had this came in one day out off the blue and said im ill i think i have ….. mental illness. i need to leave. it came as a shock because i was already supporting him through depression (for many years) and thats why i put up with his abuse i genuinely thought he was depressed. it came to light in child custody from his medical records there was nothing wrong with him. it was all excuses. he had been seeing someone else for about six months before a family member decided to enlighten me xx the bottom line is these men what do what suites them at the expense of everyone including there kids. its selfish self centred behaviour and its very samey behaviour. you did nothing wrong like me these men behave like this repeatedly towards who ever comes across there path. its not personal (although it feels like it) its them xxxxx we are better off without their selfishness and there callous treatment off people xx

[sunnyspells]

Thanks diymum@1

Sorry you’ve been through something similar. It seems particularly cruel to play on someone’s kindness and to use ‘mental health’ as a weapon of choice. The sudden leaving is devastating because you have no time to prepare whereas he has had months, or in my case years, to get used to the idea of not seeing me or his children again. I am not sure why they don’t just go right away – but perhaps they keep their options open. Sending a hug x*x

[blue eyes]

Hello Sunnyspells, I just wanted to say I got to the part where you said you started supporting his mental health for years being careful not to upset him and I thought,” here we go I recognize this”. Then the next few sentences where he wouldn’t discuss his feelings or what happened made me immediately think I bet he is having an affair. I read on and sure enough that is what you wrote. Your husband is like a mixture of my two abusive ex partners. They are so d**n predictable these men lie all the time nothing makes sense. He wouldn’t discuss anything because he knew he couldn’t justify his behaviour so he pretended he was ill so he could get away with his shady behaviour. I have written accounts of my two relationships if you look back far enough on the boards. They are just cowards and very devious and manipulative. The more you read on here the more you will realise its not you and its absolutely not your fault. It’s him 100%. My two have tormented the life out of me for decades. I can’t believe what I put up with for so long- I tiptoed around my first ex, I tried to prove myself to him and I worried about him, thinking he had learning disabilities and my second ex I worried about him being forced to do errands for his friends when really he was just a liar obsessed with another woman. So you see they are all the same. Crafty blame shifters doing what suits them to further their own aims. I am still hurt – it takes a long time to fully appreciate just what they have done and the lengths they have gone to, to be deceitful and to get their own way. Now often I get flashes of anger and just feelings of disgust and I feel more often than not now that they are really just so pathetic its actually laughable. You have to concentrate on you now and your children. Develop hobbies go for walks focus on putting yourself first. The best revenge is living well and happily. x

[sunnyspells]

Thanks for sharing you story. I am making my way through the posts and loving all the support and kind comments. It’s good to hear that things get easier. I do realise that if you’re a kind, caring person, that it will never be possible to understand what’s going on in someone’s head when they behave so badly – so it’s not worth trying. It is time to be reunited with the person I was before all this. Living well and happily is a good goal to have. Thanks 🙂

[diymum@1]

what im left thinking now after years – where is the integrity? this is the problem these men dont have any moral compass,sense of responsibility, or integrity. thats the problem after lots off deliberating was this something i did wrong. was i a bore? i thought that for years but not now. your not alone and i think this is your answer xx hope this helps abit hugs back to you xxxx much love diymum

[siba]

There is no way you are responsible! He has totally controlled and manipulated you for years to suit his affair so that he can test out what it’s like to be with her whilst keeping you in his life just in case the affair didn’t work out. Please don’t blame yourself.

[Camel]

Hi Sunny

I think most women on here will have been in shock and denial at the moment someone pointed out that we’re probably being abused. If abuse was easy to spot every one of us would have run for the hills. None of us would have to ask ‘is it me?’

It’s no less abusive if you’ve never felt frightened, if he’s never assaulted you, if he’s never shouted over you. But it is abusive to manipulate you, make you doubt your own reality, leave you feeling crazy.

You are obviously a compassionate and caring woman. These are wonderful traits and not signs of weakness. You’ve been treated so badly and it’s truly heartening to hear your determination. You owe him zero consideration. He’s not even worth the effort of hate. Neither is this other woman – think of her with pity if you have to think of her at all. Don’t imagine for a second that she’s getting all the good bits of him. There are no good bits. He really is contemptible.

[fizzylem]

Hey just wanted to say this was the straw that broke the camels back for me – when I couldnt workout what was real and what was not – felt I was going mad; this comes after listening to him and taking what he says as truth / adult, when it is not. I also did nothing but offer support. As above, it is so typical of him to blame you / a tactic in abuse to avoid any personal responsibility.

The fact he has not considered the children at all shows us what kind of a man he is, cold and callous, also sounds like he used you to get himself out of a tight spot – the way he moved back in like that hey, while plotting away – horrid. Although it was sudden and you are grieving, you will all get past this at some point and take personal growth from it, you will also likely grow tighter as a family unit as well. Sometimes we cant shake him off, can take years, but in your case he has gone and I think in time you will come to feel grateful for this; means you can all get on and adjust, do things how you all want to – without any interference from him – thinking your children will be better off without this man in their lives; get you and them bags of support and they will adjust and recover – now he’s gone they have the opportunity to thrive x

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