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My ex boyfriend has acted abusively to me on and off, since we met. He hurt me, said sorry and that he only did it because of his mental health. Things would then improve for a short while and then get much worse.
He says he didn’t abuse me. He says all of his abusive behaviour is because of his diagnosed mental illness which he has been and is getting help for.
He says he didn’t mean to hurt me, he never chose to be abusive to gain control over me, he has just had a hard time with his mental health.
Does this mean that he didn’t abuse me?
Am I wrong to say he abused me and am I wrong to expect him to take responsibility for his bad behaviour?
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Hi 1234freedom,
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.
You are not wrong to say he abused you or for expecting him to take responsibility for his abusive behaviour. There is never any excuse for abuse. Abuse and mental illness can happen at the same time. There are people who have a mental illness and are also abusive to their partners. There are also people who have a mental illness and are healthy and supportive partners. Mental ill-health and abusive behaviour need to be handled separately and it was your ex’s responsibility to seek out support and create his own plan for managing both of these.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
Forum Moderator -
Hi 1234freedom
Just came to show you some support. You already seem to have the measure of him very well, and I am sorry to hear that you doubt your feelings about this in any way, but that is also the result of abuse (where abuse is blamed on something else to make it somehow excusable or ok, when its not).
Abuse is such a different dynamic, and he knows by having said the things he said (about not doing it to control you), are lies, as he will have seen the impact that they have on you and that is it to subdue and control you, that is the result of it.
You have no reason to have loyalty to anyone that hurts you, deliberately, and then does it again, and again. Its ok to be angry and start to resent someone that does this. If he owned his actions you wouldn’t be feeling this way, you would be feeling validated about your experiences, but him trying to make them into something else is just further abuse and gaslighting.
Do talk all you feel you need to on here, as we do get exactly what this feels like.
warmest wishes
ts
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Thank you very much for your replies and amazing support Twisted Sister and Lisa.
Everything you have both said makes a lot of sense and it is really helpful to get some clarity on what’s actually going on and to see it written out like that. My head just gets so muddled I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t.
His behaviour has had massive impacts on me, but by him saying it was unintentional and because of his mental health, it’s like it absolves him of any responsibility and minimises his behaviour. What if the abuse was really unintentional, was it still abuse?
If he owned his actions I would feel so different. I don’t know if he ever will. I do doubt myself all of the time, and that’s made worse because of course his family all agree with him and normalise his behaviour, putting it down to his mental health as well. Which makes me the bad guy for not supporting him anymore.
Thank you again for the support, it feels so good to be heard.
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What you are living in at the moment with him minimising and blaming his mental health, and his family also supporting his behaviour over your treatment will do harm to you, to your own wellbeing, and it gets worse the longer you are stuck in it. Exactly as you describe.
Your concern over how deliberate or unintentional it is. Does he treat others the way he treats you? People who are ill, truly suffering the kind of mental health issues that force their behaviours to be a certain way, behave this way to everyone. I think if your mental wellbeing or illness made you treat him that way, what would you do? I think I’d feel horrific and seek help, don’t you? I mean its not like he doesn’t have options for things he could do to get help, and if not, leave you alone from him, so he couldn’t hurt you again if he felt so very awful about the way he’d treated you.
Its scaring you, and making you doubt yourself and thats unreasonable to live with.
warmest wishes
ts
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Thank you for your message and support TS, you make a lot of sense.
You are right, he has never treated others the way he treats me (idk bout other partners but definitely doesn’t treat other people/family like it). I suppose I always felt that was because we were closer than he was with anyone else? Like “you hurt the ones you love” kind of thing. He also told me that was why he hurt me.
Yes if he had said I was being abusive to him, and gave examples I knew to be true, I would feel awful. I would take responsibility for what I did, say sorry, make steps to change my behaviour. I wouldn’t just blame my mental health and say it wasn’t abuse. I always question now whether I was the abusive one (esp as he has blamed me before), but I understand that is a common tactic they use. He has sought help and would sometimes leave me alone when he said he was really struggling, but the bottom line is I kept telling him he was hurting me but he didn’t change his behaviour long term, it just got worse.
It’s the difference between what someone says and what they do isn’t it?
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Thank you ❤️
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You can tie yourself in knots trying to work out why he did what he did, whether it was deliberate or not. I don’t think any of this matters. You don’t need to justify, second guess or explain your reasons for ending this relationship. Your ex hurt you repeatedly and this is reason enough.
You need headspace to recover – cut all contact with him and his family. You owe them nothing.
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Thank you very much for this Camel – you are so right and have put it so clearly.
I have blocked contact with him and his family. We have children together but he is not allowed to see them at the moment so I feel guilty because I should be taking them to see his family so they can build relationships with that side of their family. They are all young and don’t have a relationship with his family and not even asking to see them so are not missing out on anything. I think it would do them more harm than good, also safety issues, potential for them to pursuade me to drop charges and lots of stress for me. But I feel like I “should” be in contact with them and taking children to them, because his family put pressure on for me to do that before I cut contact….
I think I do need headspace to recover and as I said they don’t think he has done anything wrong either. I am the bad one to them. Am I wrong in cutting that contact with his family when there are children involved? There will be enough time in years to come for them to see children if/when he is allowed and it’s all been done officially?
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If his family were supportive then contact wouldn’t be an issue. But they aren’t supportive so you’re doing the right thing keeping them at a safe distance. Extended family has no legal right of access and shouldn’t be putting you under any pressure. You’re right to protect your children until such time as access with their father has been decided by the courts.
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That’s all so true Camel, I need to remember your words. If they were supportive I wouldn’t even be questioning it, and it’s his access -not theirs. Thank you ❤️
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Sending lots of support. I have exactly the same thought processes with mental health/ intentional behaviour. Mine is now talking about autism as a cause of what he was like…. His family hate me and think I’ve massively over reacted. I feel guilty over the kids etc etc. Everything you say resonates. I can say the days after I’ve seen him because of the kids(supervised contact due to my concerns over his temper and not managing them) I feel all of the responsibility. When I’m distanced I can see how what he says and does makes me feel like that and how misplaced it is to blame myself. It’s rubbish because logic and emotions just don’t match up.
X*x
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Thank you so much lostinagoodbook. It is so good to know I am not alone in all of these thoughts, and also that their behaviours are so similar. It’s crazy how abusive men have such similar behaviour at their core, even when their abuse is completely different.
When will the excuses of these men end? There is always something, and when they give an excuse like autism or mental health it makes us feel like the bad guy because they are “going through stuff” and we aren’t supporting them. And then his family makes you feel awful too because they side with him.
Do you see his family at all?
Thanks again for your support. It can feel like a lonely road at times can’t it ❤️
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I haven’t since we split. We were really close ( not so with my own family) so I’m pretty devastated about it tbh. Lucky I have friends who are here for me even after I’ve neglected them for the past couple of years.
His family are hoping we will get back together so not being nasty- just the odd message over how much he is struggling 😐 The trouble is I still think the se as them a lot of the time and hate myself for doing it/ over reacted etc
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