27th February 2018 at 10:28 pm #55149
I had an appointment at the hospital to finally get a full std check done which I’d been putting off for ages mainly as I didn’t feel I could handle it emotionally since the only reason I needed it was because he had been cheating on me. The dr asked me loads of questions and I ended up breaking down and couldn’t stop crying, she asked me if I’d felt suicidal and I was honest and said yes. I ended up being there for hours waiting on the results and also talking to her, I think I worried her by being so low. She thought it was best if I went to A&E to speak to the crisis team, it felt confusing but she said that it would mean I’d get to access the right mental health service rather than going through months of waiting, having to see someone from IAPT (who I have rarely found helpful in the past). So I went. Waited for an hour and saw a nurse who was kind but said it would be several hours wait to see the crisis team and because I’d not attempted suicide and didn’t have plans then it would be best to go home and get an emergency appt with my gp tomo, so I came back home. I feel glad to be back home in the peace and quiet away from the hospital noise, all the people, the fluorescent lights and windowless rooms but also feel really frustrated that I STILL didn’t even get to speak to someone from a mental health team. Clearly the mental health services are funded much more poorly than the physical health team as people with minor injuries kept getting seen quickly. Most of them looked cheerful and were laughing at chatting whereas if I’d stayed I could have been there until 3am waiting by myself feeling increasingly depressed.
I feel depressed at how hard it is to get the right sort of treatment and help anymore. I’ve accessed a lot of services in the past year but only about half of them have actually made me feel better, and of those they all said they couldn’t provide me with longterm emotional support. I start a group thing soon but badly just want 1-1 therapy with someone trained in abuse so they can validate me, tell me if I have PTSD or not and give me techniques to cope and overcome it. I’ve been waiting nearly a year for this therapy and I am sick of trying to feel grateful for it, I am angry and frustrated that I have to wait such a crazy long time, even though I know it’s because they are helping loads of other women like me who have also been through terrible things – I’m not angry at them or the women, but at the lack of funding, the government.
Does anyone have experience of going to A&E for mental health? Has anyone ever seen the crisis team? What about the mysterious community mental health team I often hear mentioned? I have never met any of these teams and they seem very difficult to be referred to, but I’m not even sure they could help me anyway. A big part of me was terrified they would try to section me or not let me leave – I read once I was there that if you go to A&E and say you’re suicidal then decide to leave due to the wait, they send the police round to bring you back! What a total nightmare that would be, and not helpful AT ALL when someone is already feeling extremely low although I understand it’s because they have to follow protocol and are worried that you have gone home to act on your suicidal thoughts.
I’ve been advised to ring my gp for an emergency appt tomo. Just hope they don’t refer me to IAPT who give me a load of patronising pointless booklets to read with suggestions like ‘exercise more’ as if that will solve all my problems.
(The only positive is, all my tests so far have come back negative, she said it was one of the cleanest tests they’d ever seen under the microscope which made me laugh. Waiting for a few more tests to come back from the lab. Glad to have finally been because it feels like another step away from him, his influence, another break in the trauma bond because if I am fully clear it means I don’t have to worry any more, and if he gave me something I can get treated for it).
27th February 2018 at 10:50 pm #55151Good samaritanParticipant
I saw the psychology team via a & e but that was several yrs ago and for a different matter altogether. They organised counselling very quickly for me. I’m dreading having to wait months because my anxiety levels are really bad when I return home alone to my house I start to have serious panic attacks. I hope you’re feeling better soon x
28th February 2018 at 9:26 am #55162maddogParticipant
Last year I had a blip of terror and was referred to the MH crisis team. I later had a phone conversation with MH nurse and we decided that I probably wasn’t going to kill myself. My next conversation with them was 6 months later and I was discharged having never met anyone. All very odd and so different from a decade ago when there was a building you went into and a duty psychiatrist who would see you.
I have been told that I probably have CPTSD and am on the waiting list for counselling with Rape Crisis. It is much quicker than NHS.
I know exactly what you mean about them giving you leaflets stating the grindingly obvious to the uninitiated. It makes me so cross.
28th February 2018 at 4:19 pm #55192starryeyedParticipant
It is so frustrating, I’m so sorry that you had to spend so much time doing all of that SunshineRainFlower. Also really sad to read others experiences too. I was waiting over a year to get some form of talking therapy and I had to keep pressing and chasing the NHS provider myself. Which is ironic because if you are very unwell, then you aren’t going to be able to keep calling. I used to work in that sector and I knew that the area was hugely underfunded before I began, but I was really shocked at by just how much. The Community Psychiatric Teams are massively underfunded and very unwell people are being discharged without the support they need. Some charities are dependant on funding which could only be a year at a time – and some don’t find out if they are successful for the funding bid until a week or so before, so vital support for people has to pulled immediately. I think that is why charities are pushing for more peer support and encouraging exercising etc, but you are right – sometimes it is like sticking a plaster on a gushing wound 🙁
JaneDoe, you are absolutely right: ‘Telling someone that you wouldn’t get seen as you hadn’t attempted suicide or had plans to seems stupid to me. Surely that’s gives the wrong message?’ Totally the wrong message…people aren’t encouraged to be well, because if you are well then you won’t get the support. I was once told to not hold back on anything I was feeling and be totally honest when being referred because otherwise you won’t be a priority. Reverse psychology because when we are at the doctors for example, I think we are so used to minimising what is happening – we don’t want to make it more of a big deal than it is. As I wrote that, it reminds me of how I feel about my ex/partner and the abuse too.
SunshineRainFlower – Really proud of you for going to get your STI tests done and good news on them being clear. Also maybe it is worth seeing if you can get some help from a charity rather than NHS provider for your mood? The waiting lists may be smaller and they may be able to direct you to someone with specialised experience?
28th February 2018 at 10:35 pm #55230
Thank you Starryeyed, completely agree about how backwards it is to only help people once they have hurt themselves, no wonder people take overdoses as a cry out for help.
Sadly the waiting list I am on is run by a charity, and I’ve been waiting nearly a year on it. It is a good charity with a focus on abuse so I think it will be good therapy, but it’s hard waiting when you are feeling suicidal, angry and frustrated.
28th February 2018 at 10:10 pm #55224Good samaritanParticipant
If it wasn’t for the Samaritans this past week (detail removed by Moderator). The isolation is the worst part because you’re just desperate for someone to be able to understand and help you process things properly. All the normal things I had when I was in the relationship with my ex for company I’ve been advised to come off of. So the things that kept my strengths up to conquer the loneliness while with him are not available to me now when I need them the most. I can’t even cope with my grandchildren atm and it is so unfair but I’m just so irritable around everyone it’s safe for me to keep away until I improve.
28th February 2018 at 10:27 pm #55228
Thank you everyone for your replies. I feel quite numb today. I saw my gp, who was ok, I was glad to get the appointment, but she was quite clinical rather than warm and human. She admitted that funding for mental health is terrible and that the crisis team and community mental health teams mainly support those who are psychotic/have attempted suicide and everyone else has to be referred to IAPT. She has agreed to refer me to community mental health but said they might refer it back to IAPT. At least I have tried and if they refer me back to IAPT I just have to hope my new surgery has a decent team and not just those (detail removed by Moderator) who tell you really obvious things like to exercise more (when I already walk every day, do yoga, pilates and go to the gym and have done for years). I know they help a lot of people with low level depression but when you’re suicidal you really need someone better trained. The GP admitted that there is a gap for people like me who aren’t extreme enough for the crisis team but have more complex ongoing needs than the IAPT team are usually trained for.
Today I had a shower and got dressed, went for a walk in the snow to the drs, bought some food, and have tidied up. Still not feeling too hopeful about my future. I struggle so much feeling like this pointless person, single with no children. It would be good to talk to someone about all my depressive thoughts. I had them before I met my ex but was managing my depression well then. But he just came into my life and detonated a bomb. It’s like he worked out all of my fears, insecurities and started attacking them, slowly and subtly so I wouldn’t notice. I feel like he’s done a lot of damage to my self esteem, to my ability to trust, to have faith in humanity and justice, to feel positive and joyful. I am hoping with treatement I will get over all of this and feel better, it’s just getting the treatment in the first place that feels so depressingly difficult to access. And that in turn contributes to my depression because I start thinking things like ‘the government is made up of millionaires yet they have made loads of cuts to vital life saving services like domestic abuse and mental health, whilst they swan around on expense accounts with houses abroad and fast cars. We live in a sociopathic world, there is no hope.’
5th March 2018 at 8:53 pm #55458HopeLifeJoyParticipant
Your last chapter resonates with me very much.
I don’t want to let the abuser and your experience destroy your trust in humanity, in justice, in the good of people.
The good people by far outnumber the bad ones.
How do I know that? This forum is full of only good kind honest people. Each of us have met more good kind people then bad ones in our lives, that too counts. So you see that amounts to already a lot of good people. We are outnumbering the bad ones by far. Just believing in that keeps my faith when I am at the lowest.
I recognise your impatience to get moving on. You do all the things right. You are a positive person, have a healthy daily routine. Everything should go fine.
But it doesn’t.
I am in a similar place.
I found a nice saying about sailing, it goes;
The pessimist complains about the wind
The optimist thinks it’s going to change
The realist adjust the sails and sails away
With this saying I found out that I am the optimist.
I have changed that to being realist or trying to be. I hate it. I honestly rather take a pill for it and continue living my life the way I wish, happy go lucky, moving on without having to lick my wound too much. I just want to be happy again. But it isn’t the time.
I started my therapy with a book about recovery and questionnaire until I get to see a therapist. It’s as tough as a live therapy because the questions are as tough and triggering as a real therapist would confront me with.
The difference is I don’t punch the therapist in the face when anger is triggered, instead I steam off by going for a walk.
The abuser has put a knife into my stomach. The therapist will get me the tools to get it out but I will have to do the surgery myself because he/she can’t see where exactly the bleeding comes from. But he/she can suggest various method of taking it out and how to heal the wound afterwards.
Feeling prepared for therapy (or surgery as I like to joke) gives me the means to build up the courage to go in the first place. And for me it’s important that I stay in the driver seat. I want to decide on the course. The therapist won’t be my saviour. He/she will just educate me on how to perform the “surgery” and how to heal the wound. I’ll do the work.
Hope you will find support soon, I can see how much you want to move on. Suicidal thoughts are a way to express the wish to move on. But in a negative way. When I have those thoughts I have trained my self to notice that I am in a bad place. A sign that I need action to move onto the next chapter on my life. That I am bored.
Try to stay calm by meditating.
Sending you peaceful thoughts.
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