18th February 2016 at 9:18 pm #9900
I don’t know where to turn to for help and advice and if I am doing the right thing.
My abuser is tormenting me again with his texts telling me about his new woman and how much better she is than me and how he is going to replace me with her. He wants to get our children to meet her and spend days out together playing happy families. He was even asking them to go and live with him as he has a bigger better property than my tiny cramped one. He’s relentless, he wants it all, his money, our family home and now our children. He wants me to have nothing. He has not cared at all about them since we left and always put his own needs and that of his latest woman first. He boasts to his work colleagues every time he has seen them that they still love him as they wanted to see him. It’s all about appearances and his status to others that matters, not them. I have worked so hard to make life better for our children and to gain my self respect and confidence again after he took it all from me. Every time I feel like I am moving forward with my life and finding some kind of peace and stability, he upsets me and torments me with his latest text. I feel if I have to take much more, it will kill me. I am sure this is what he is aiming for.
I am still reeling with the shock of finding out about the last woman which he was seeing for over a year and a half and didn’t tell me about. He was trying to encourage our children to get involved with her without my knowledge or permission. They told him they had no interest in any woman he is with and would not want to be involved but he wouldn’t give up on asking them.
I have been no contact with him now for nearly a year but have to read his texts as it is our only way of communication regarding his contact with our children. They have barely seen him this last year as they say they hate him and they only go to his home for a change of scenery. He still shouts, screams, swears, has alcohol everywhere and smashes things in his property in their presence. He still tries to hit them but they are big enough to stop him now. Since they have told me this, I have had concerns about whether they should be seeing him at all. He promised me when I left that he would be getting lots of help with his abusive behaviour in order to maintain contact with our children but the children tell me he is just as abusive. He never sought help at all, just moved on to his next supply.
My son is now showing signs of abusive behaviour towards me now and sometimes I feel like I am still walking on eggshells wondering when the next explosion is about to happen with my son. He is getting just like his father and talks down to me, swears at me and smashes things in fits of temper just like his father. He has told me at times that he blames me for the pain he has suffered in staying with his father for so long. It tears me apart.
Today I sent him a text back saying what a useless father he is and that our children will not be seeing him again, let alone another woman. He still has all our children’s possessions in his property and will not let them retrieve any of them. He still has some of mine too but promised he was keeping them for me as he knew I haven’t the room at my property. I asked him if we could finally come and collect our belongings and store them at my mothers home but he is not answering my texts. I am terrified of going to his property and don’t know if I could get an escort of some sort to ensure our safety. Can he stop us from retrieving our possessions and if not how do I go about this? Could anybody advise me please?
Am I wrong to stop the children from seeing him? I have asked them several times if they have any love left for him and they clearly state they hate him but perhaps they are telling me what they think I want to hear. Do I have grounds for getting a restraining order placed on him to keep away from us as he has waited outside our children’s school before and embarrassed them in front of the other children? They told him to keep away from them at the time and he drove off. He is abusive and I am really concerned for our children. He lives in the same area and now I feel I need to move as he has had work colleagues spying on us and people prowling around the property. I can’t be certain that the prowler is anything to do with him but strongly suspect it is.
I am sitting here sick with worry right now and really need some advice. I want him out of our life once and for all so that we can find some peace, happiness and healing. Am I wrong?
18th February 2016 at 9:43 pm #9904
I cannot even phone the helpline on here as there is no privacy and I don’t want to upset my children by them hearing how distraught I am on the phone. They are on school holiday and are cooped up with me all day.
18th February 2016 at 9:59 pm #9910SilkyHalideParticipant
I know it’s hard when they are on holiday and there is no privacy. Im sure this forum will help.
I know Monday seems a long way away but they are back to school then and do ring helpline then and they can advise you or refer you to advisors for your questions.
18th February 2016 at 10:00 pm #9911Falling SkysParticipant
Hi and hugs xx
Not easy what you are going through.
If he’s sends any further texts ignore them don’t answer back but keep them. The reason is they are evidence of his abuse, but when you answer back it is viewed as an argument.
The police will come round with you remove the children’s things.
Every time my ex does something I don’t get angry I log it and if able take pictures. I probably won’t ever use it as evidence but it gives me satisfaction that I have.
Your house might not be as big as his, but it has your love in it which he can never give.
Also with the new partner say that they need to be together a while before the children meet her because its not fair on them to keep seeing him with different woman.
I do hope things improve soon .
20th February 2016 at 12:20 am #9989
Thanks Silkyhide and Falling skys for you words of support.
Falling skys, that is so true what you say about our tiny place being full of love. I made it my mission to fill it with candles, aromatherapy oils, nice ornaments and decorate it how the children and I chose as we never had any control over these things when with him. I have the children’s paintings, things they have crafted and their photographs which he also never allowed in his home. Most importantly, I try to show them my love every day and tell them every night how much I love them even though they consider themselves too old for hugs and kisses now. He may have their material possessions on his property but he doesn’t have the things that really matter. He only has love for himself as he is a narcissistic abuser. He never showed our children any love or care since they were babies and was jealous and angry when I did. His place is full of junk and clutter as he is a hoarder. It has a cold, dark, loveless atmosphere which reflects him.
I have already made records of his texts as you advised in case I need them in future for reference. I had to retrieve some of them off my phone onto the computer with a programme I installed as I accidentally deleted his whole thread. The thing is, he is so scheming that he writes in an ambiguous way so as to not look outwardly abusive but I know exactly how he is trying to upset me and so does he. You are right in saying I should not respond. I am ashamed to say I have sent him some abusive texts myself recently telling him what a useless father he has been and that he doesn’t deserve to see them again amongst other things. I have probably played straight into his hands. I was only stating the truth about him though.
I sent him a long letter tonight telling him how the children and I feel about him and that they no longer wish to see him. I posted it to him. I felt I just had to get it off my chest, whether he will read it is another matter. I was not abusive in the letter, just told him how the children and I feel and why we had come to the decision not to see him. He sent me some texts earlier, one saying that we are more than welcome to come and take our belongings but I cannot trust him to not become abusive on my own with the children. From these texts it seems like he doesn’t care about us any more and wants shut of us anyway out of his life so that he can concentrate on his new relationship. Good riddance.
Hopefully we can finally cut him out of our life and find some peace healing and closure.
20th February 2016 at 3:08 am #9998SerenityParticipant
Let him say what he likes.tnteaten what he likes,mans choose what words he likes to hurt you.
Truth is, you are free. You are an adult( you are few to make your own life and choices, without anyone’s approval or permission. What a gift is that.
This truth has only just truly hit me!
Poor woman who he is with- whT pain she is in for.
Enjoy all the things he would never allow you to do. Xxxx
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