Mentally exhausted!!

[feelingnumb]

I’m new to this and it’s taken me a lot of self persuasion to actually sign up and post something because I think I always doubt myself and my feelings and at times I think yeah that’s abuse because all my friends say it is and then I think you are just over thinking things. My relationship was great at the start, lots of laughs lots of love, planning for the future, I was on cloud nine. As the months were moving on things would start to change, the arguments would start, name calling, really hurtful statements, and I always ran back begging for forgiveness for my behaviour and my mistakes. But I was always apologising just so I didn’t lose him because I hadn’t actually ever done anything wrong. I would just sit there and get called horrific names and just take it all. It was always my fault. I’d say my confidence is just non existent now, my mental health has totally plummeted, I’ve had depression for some years and now I just feel like I am heading for a breakdown and I’m going to end up in a mental hospital! My partner always pokes fun at me, making fun of me but that’s just his sense of humour but I just feel like I’m the butt of his jokes. He says all the right things, tells me how much he loves me, how I’m his soul mate, how he loves me more than I love him, I love him, I’d do anything for him and I do do anything for him, but I’m always made to feel like I do nothing for him and it’s all one sided. I do doubt myself all the time and even sit and wonder, is it me?? Am I the problem?? Am I the cause for his behaviour?? My friends hate me being with him, they always have. We don’t have any children together and don’t live together. I’ve read these forums and do feel like I can relate to some of the stories, but still find it hard to believe I’m in an abusive relationship? I have been crying my eyes out today because I slightly changed our plans and this has resulted in me being told not to bother seeing him at all because I changed the plan. I can’t seem to change my mind about anything! I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and feel I have to think carefully before I say anything Incase I get accused of changing my mind or lying. I just broke down today and just feel like I can’t do anything right! I’m exhausted, I’m absolutely mentally drained. I don’t know what to do, I should be strong enough to just say that’s it enough is enough as we have no ties together but I just seem to keep going back for more. I get wary about what my night is going to be like and sometimes depending on the conversation that day I can tell if I’m in for a happy night Or a night where I need to apologise for my actions. I have good friends about me, they’ve been too good to be honest for still putting up with me when they hate what I’m doing to myself. I just had to vent all of this and figure out if the problem is me or him?? Am I over reacting?? Am I making problems that aren’t there?? The name calling has stopped but I feel that is because he knows I’m not happy about it, but now I feel like all the lovey dovey stuff has simmered away again and we are using different ways to control me. Sorry if this is all over the place and not flowing, I’m just writing what’s going on in my head.

[KIP.]

Everything you write is screaming domestic abuse. Abusers make us feel crazy with their behaviour. If you google Gaslighting and The Cycle of Abuse, this explains some of his behaviour. No relationship should make you feel the way you do. Your friends are right and they can see what you cannot. You’re stuck in the FOG of abuse. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. If you read other posts on here you will see sadly that many abusers use the same tactics and many victims have mental health injuries caused by their behaviour. I had anxiety and depression for decades until I got in touch with women’s aid and understood that it was his crazy making behaviour that was destroying my mental health. It helped me to write down every instance of abuse starting at the beginning and also how it made be feel. I was horrified to write page after page after page. Also keeping a secret journal helped me to look back and see that his behaviour was dysfunctional illegal dangerous hurtful
Confusing uncaring etc. Keep posting and please contact your local women’s aid for support. Abuse always gets worse so it’s time to find a way out before more damage is done. You need to listen to others as your judgement is truly clouded by abuse. Hang in there and keep posting.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi feelingnumb
Well done for posting.
To reach out is such a big step so well done and welcome.

I feel for you, I know how strong the love bond can be.
He is indeed an abuser. Very much so. Nothing is never right with an abuser. No matter how good and loving we are.
I read some times back on here that we are worth more than a few crumbs of love and attention here and there. We deserve the entire loaf of bread.
We must be treated as equals.
With abusers we are never treated as such. We are always giving more. One sided like you said. It’s very sad. This is not a relationship.

Your friends are not too good for you, they simply worry and care for you. You are well worth their care and concerns. They are right. You are in an abusive relationship.

Read about trauma bonding. Also about the cycle of abuse. And abusive power and control. Google it.

You are not crazy, you are not making it up. You are a loving person who is suffering abuse. It makes one crazy. That is the intend of the abuser. As loving as they can seem to be sometimes. Unfortunately. Very confusing.

Keep on venting here, it is the best thing you can do. Keep your phone locked and charged ok. Don’t tell him anything about domestic abuse, keep the infos to yourself and your trusted friends.

Call Women’s Aid if you like to talk, the number is on the forum, I’ve heard only nice thing about it. Supportive and understanding.

Keep safe. Sending you a warm hug.

[feelingnumb]

Thankyou, your words are very kind and comforting. It’s just all the mind games that get played all the time. I’m just totally made to be the bad one and sometimes he’s just very straight to the point and tells me how I’ve let him down and disappointed him, and then he puts on the sad face saying I don’t make him feel loved and it’s no wonder he doubts me. Then I feel sorry for him and feel bad cause I don’t like making anyone feel bad. But I don’t know if it’s all an act??! I’ve not got back in touch with him today after him telling me not to bother going to his cause I changed the plans (ever so slightly!), and I’m not going to. I know in my head what to do it’s just staying strong and following through with it. I’m so sick of crying and feeling worthless and I’m sick of looking so unhappy. Thankyou for your support xx

[Author]

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