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Hi all, I think I’ve posted about a similar subject before but it’s been on my mind again today. My (family) abuser had pretty severe mental illness, he’d be very paranoid and was also abusing substances (I don’t think I can be more specific than that) and that I think affected his way of thinking and viewing things. I’ve worked really hard to try to know the difference between what was abuse and control and what was mental illness, and by no means am I suggesting that people who are mentally ill are abusive. He just happened to be both of those things, and a substance abuser, there are plenty of people with mental health issues who wouldn’t dream of doing the horrible things that abusers do.
I do think though that both things have affected me, in that the level of paranoia was really scary sometimes. You literally couldn’t offer a different perspective, and attempts to change my mind about things could go on for ages. I guess having been gaslighted I struggle to trust myself, but also being gaslighted by someone whose behaviour was probably divorced from reality a lot of the time feels like another layer of struggle. Maybe this is the same for all of us, but I only have this experience to go on.
I’m not sure what I’m really asking, I guess how do you get back to some form of “normal” whatever that is, and has anyone else had experience of an abuser who also had a mental illness?
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Hi Starqueen, it’s really hard being with someone who endures severe mental illness. It’s really important to keep your boundaries. Mental illness is no excuse for abuse and you don’t have to be dragged into the web. It’s so damaging. Does this person have psychiatric support? If so, it may help you to communicate through them.
Please also get support for yourself. The abuse isn’t personal however much it feels that it is. Your GP should be able to help. Women’s Aid will be able to guide you as well.
It’s fantastic that you’ve recognised the behaviour as abuse. If you can’t go No Contact, you can learn where your edges are so you can remain solid. It’s not your fault, and it’s a horrible situation to be in. You’re not alone with this and it’s not your responsibility to suffer the abuse. Much as you may want to help, you aren’t in a position to do so while your mind is being shattered. It’s so difficult being with someone who’s reality is so distorted by mental illness, and sometimes we have to put ourselves first. It doesn’t mean we don’t care. Please keep posting!
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Brene Brown has a great video on trusting again and trust in general. I found it really helpful x -
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Hi everyone, thank you for those replies! I’ll reply more fully a bit later when I’ve got more time but just wanted to reassure everyone that I’m away from the person now. They actually are no longer here and I’d cut off contact with them so I’m safe. I just sometimes feel the lingering effects of it so I think it’s helpful to reach out. <3
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Well done! So pleased that you’re safe. Please keep reaching out. The lingering effects are a normal way of dealing with trauma. Please don’t feel afraid or ashamed of reaching out in real life for help and support. It’s very difficult when the abuser is a fixture in our lives. It doesn’t make the abuse any less significant or any more tolerable.
I understand that much but by no means all emotional distress in adulthood can be caused by Adverse Childhood Experiences. In the case of my ex, I feel desperately sorry for the unwanted little boy he once was. I feel no pity for the cowardly and abusive adult he became.
We need to heal ourselves and detach from abusive behaviour wherever it comes from.
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I totally had the same feeling.
His behaviour was/is so off the spectrum of conceivably ‘normal’ that I spent years diagnosing him (with the help of Google ; ).
He seems to have every syndrome under the sun, all overlaid!Yes, it makes it even more complicated and awful. Especially the warped perspective gaslighting.
You need to talk to a psychologist about what you’ve been having to deal with. It will help.
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Hi,
Thank you for sharing. I wanted to add the view of Women’s Aid regarding domestic abuse and mental health to this post. Women’s Aid believes that domestic abuse is a gendered crime and is about power and control. Some women believe that abuse is caused by their partner’s mental health condition (for example, their partner might have bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), n**********c personality, borderline personality or antisocial personality). While these are serious mental health conditions, they do not cause abuse.
If the abuse were caused by mental illness, a perpetrator would also be abusive to family, friends and co-workers.
Abuse and mental illness can happen at the same time. There are people who have a mental illness and are also abusive to their partners. There are also people who have a mental illness and are healthy and supportive partners.
If your partner has a mental illness and is abusive towards you, it’s important to keep in mind that the mental illness and the abusive behaviours need to be handled separately by the abusive partner. It is the
abusive partner’s responsibility to seek out support and create their own plan for managing their mental illness and be accountable for their abusive behaviour.If your partner is not owning up to their actions, is not admitting to how much they’re hurting you, and is not seeking out professional help then that’s a sign that your partner isn’t willing to change. If that’s the case, then the abuse in the relationship tends to continue and escalate over time.
Even if your partner does have a mental illness, there is NEVER an excuse for abuse. Abuse is a choice someone makes in order to maintain power and control over a partner.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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