Mind blown wide open

[Janedoeissad]

Ok, so you figure out your partner is abusive, you decide you are miserable and want out, then what?

I’ve been talking to friends and leaving some of them heart broken with my story (as I’ve never told one of them the whole story, just small bits of it). It’s felt good to share.

I’ve looked at where I could live and thought about how I’d move but done nothing else.

I feel like I’m stuck in treacle. I can visualise what outcome I’d like (not being with him) but I can’t bring myself to even discuss how unhappy I am with him. I’m so used to giving answers I think he’d like to hear that I’m scared to say the one thing he’d kick off about the most.

Part of me still thinks it isn’t so bad when I know for a fact that I’m miserable but has miserable become my comfort zone??

I also feel like if I don’t act soon people will think I’m lying and that I’m actually fine and making stuff up. If you saw my Facebook account you’d think I was lying. I only put good stuff on there so I’m years to come I can fool myself into thinking it wasn’t so bad.

I’m so confused right now. Maybe I need time to process.

J xx

[KIP.]

As human beings we crave what is ‘normal’ to us. Living in an abusive relationship has become normal to you. It’s mind blowing right enough. That’s why so many women are killed and beaten by partners as the abuse gets worse. We minimise to make it easier for our brains to process. I was frozen too. It took a bad assault, police and courts for me to finally realise no matter how much I thought I loved him, which was actually trauma bonding, that wasn’t ever going to help or change him. Contact your local women’s aid. I couldn’t get out on my own. They can help with a safety plan. I know it feels daunting but many women including me have broken free. I’m sitting enjoying myself, no eggshells, watching what I want, feeling safe. Remember the FOG of abuse. Fear Obligation Guilt x

[Janedoeissad]

KIP thank you for your answer. I just had a quick read about trauma bonding and it’s me to a T.

This is another revelation to me.

I really think I will give the number a call as I’m finding some of this too much to process all at once.

I still hold on to my outcome though free, happy and definitely no FOG!

Thank you again

[Lisa]

Hi Janedoeissad,

Thank you for your posts. I am pleased that you have had a supportive reply. Please do try the helpline as they can help to talk to you about your situation and discuss a safety plan in place for leaving the abusive relationship. Please try to not let your partner know what you are thinking as leaving can be potentially a dangerous time for you.

We are all here for you. You are doing brilliantly so please phone the helpline and then let us know how you are getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Tiffany]

One of the things that surprised me is that no one thought I was making things up. Like you I haven’t told anyone the extent of how bad it was. I got so used to minimising his behaviour. So people have parroted that back at me (it wasn’t that bad, the good bits were good, it was my fault too). Actually it was that bad, the good bits were ok sometimes and it wasn’t my fault. But veryone understood when it took me a painfully long time to leave. Talk to women’s aid. Work out the practicalties. View houses. Don’t feel like you have to discuss it with your abuser. They may well guilt you into staying, and they might also become violent. I know it can feel like you owe it to them to discuss it, but you don’t. They haven’t treated you as an equal partner. You can’t give them a say in your future. I had to become really hard to get out. I ended up walling off my own emotions as well as his – I’m not sure I could separate them by that point. So instead of intuiting I became ruthlessly logical. I knew what I needed and I did it. Obviously this is only one experience, but I hope it helps. The right way to do this is the way that gets you where you need to be. Just make sure you stay safe.

All the best, Tiffany

[Janedoeissad]

Tiffany, I never thought of the fact that people are just parroting back what I have said to them, that makes so much sense to me now! I get so frustrated when people say things like “but you have nice days out” or “you have good days as well as bad”, I just realised that I had said these things to them! The amount of epiphany’s I have had in the last few weeks are astounding.

I have just contacted the phone line and got some truly excellent advice and support. I feel like how I feel has finally been validated, I am not going crazy, I am trying hard enough and he is an abusive sh*t and if it wasn’t for the fact I am currently somewhere quite public, I’d probably have a good cry with relief.

I have a long path to go down to get out but it will be so worth it in the end.

Thank you all for your advice and guidance, it has been amazing and I don’t want to sound too soppy but it has been life changing for me. Fingers crossed it keeps changing.

j x*x

[Tiffany]

I’m so glad for you j! You sound like you are in a better place. Hold on to the feelings of strength you have now. You are not crazy, you tried d**n hard, and he was abusive. And you are getting out.

Love Tiffany

P.S. I only realised about the parroting as I wrote it down for you. I still have revelations too, although not as overwhelmingly as before. The more I defended him to someone, the more they defend him to me now. This is especially true of people who didn’t physically see me often during the abusive period. People who saw me regularly during the worst periods of abuse (mostly my work colleagues who saw me daily) had no doubts as to what went on, even though it was almost all verbal abuse not anything that might leave a mark. Some of them came straight out and asked if he was abusive when I said I had left, because they had seen me changing (even though I didn’t talk about it and some of them never met him!)

[Daisy]

Janedoeissad, hello from me too, the right time for you to leave is really and truely when it’s right for you, don’t worry about fitting in with what you feel others expect from you, I think we have a tendency to think of others before ourselves but sometimes we need to put ourselves first. I would also say that you don’t have to tell him, you both know how things are, he’s not treating you right and he must know that too. If , when you decide to leave I would advise you not to tell him as with abusers this is a very unsafe time. He’ll know you have left when you’ve left, simple and if you do feel compelled to tell him , have someone there with you, do it via phone not within arms reach. Well done for telling your friends, our own silence helps cover up their abuse, and yes once out it is a relief, victims of abuse often live a life of lies, smiling outwardly with sad eyes and saying the weekend was good when asked on Monday mornings at work when the truth is really much more horrifying. You have found here, spoken out to friends and are starting to think of your leaving plans, stopping and given yourself the breathing space you need is perfectly fine, we all have to go in our own safe paces x x x

[Confused123]

Hi hun

Reach out to support agencies specialising in d v to help guide u with a plan,caLL THE HELPLINe too they can offer support too, how u are feeling is totally normally

[Aurora]

Jane thank you for posting this.
I’m in the same situation and after being exposed to yet another explosion I’m once again saying enough is enough. But where do you get the strength to leave when his explosions leave me so utterly drained and hardly able to think or move. And how do you reconcile the effect that leaving will have in the kids? I’d die for them, so surely I should be able to live with this abuse so they have financial security? What kind of mother would I be if I dragged them out of their home and school when I’ve got no income. Head is spinning.

[Author]

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