Mind games and control

[Aliceinwonderland]

Having a hard time. He has drink problem but when we broke up I promised him regular access if he’s not drinking. I have support of solicitor to not allow him overnights atm, but we begin mediation soon.
He hates that I’m in charge keeps saying “It’s all on your terms”. But he only agreed to leave on a promise of access on set days and times etc.
Anyway to the point:He took them swimming (knowing it triggers my anxiety) but I let him on promise he stayed in little pool.
I was late returning to handover (he called I apologised and told him how late I would be. On return he has told me he has to go away fir a bit but won’t tell me where to or when.
Just said he’ll tell me when he can. Could be literally tomorrow or next week? Who knows. I’m now panicking as he does a school run so I can go to work. Has he done this to confuse me and is it acceptable to just tell me as and when? He knows due to my anxiety I need to schedule and plan ahead…is he playing a game? Am I just being that highly strung crazy woman he thinks I am? I honestly don’t know???

[KIP.]

He’s messing with your head. Probably to punish you for keeping him waiting and not allowing him to take his anger out on you. Who doesn’t know when or where they are going? He wants you to keep contacting you and chasing him for information on when he’s going. Ignore him, if he does let you down then you deal with it at the time and will then have to make other arrangements.

[Aliceinwonderland]

I think you are right, he hated me telling the children in advance which days they would see him. I was never allowed to be mad or upset with him if he went missing until 6am or midday once after he went out drinking. But I cant be half hour late stuck in traffic.
He has also threatened same in summer hols saying he plans to travel for a few weeks but has no intention of giving me notice in advance. Just wants to do it when he wants.

[maddog]

Is there any way you can get some other help with the school run? Is the school aware of what’s going on at home? I found it helps to know that they know. It just takes away a bit of the burden. My GP has been great as well, although he’s given me enough drugs to knock out a horse and I wooze around feeling as though I have gloop in my head. Sometimes I just want to feel nothing at all. I want it all to go away.

This man is definitely messing with your head. Please be very, very careful with mediation. So many people say don’t do it with an abuser. Mine acted like Mr Perfect (of course) then was furious that I wouldn’t go back. He wasn’t being honest and was trying to confuse me with what he did or didn’t say.

[KIP.]

Ask for shuttle mediation then you don’t have to be in the same room at the same time.

[Chickadee]

Hi.

No. He is doing it so that he can have control of everything, because things are being put in place that control him and he has to follow by you and/or the solicitor. Throw the anxiety to the wind, grab those reins, and turn it around.
Sounds like your solicitor sees right through tjis stuff, let him/her know what he’s doing, maybe they will step in and state that he must inform you or maybe they will let it play out to see what position he places you and the kids in. They may also state, if you have contact, that you stand your ground and state the facts and that you must know. In any event, having support will reduce your anxiety. And no, you are not crazy, that is something most abusers tell their prey.

Prayers n hugs!

[Author]

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