Mindgames

[Meow123]

For years my husband has been drinking excessively, name calling, shouting, swearing, condescending, gaslighting and taking advantage of my soft nature, hes always gone to the oub at every opportunity, several timea each week, put the pub before me and our son at every chance.
I finally told him its over and I’m done and want a divorce and since (detail removed by Moderator) he has been home and sober and saying hes changed his life (not for me, he agrees were done) its been nearly (detail removed by Moderator), its from one extreme to the other.
He still isn’t actually helping with our child or spending time with him, always something more important (joined the gym and spent the weekend (detail removed by Moderator) ffs). Now doesnt want me taking our son to my parents like I do (detail removed by Moderator), as its ‘his time’ with our son, he NEVER spends this time with him, hes usually in the pub so it’s just him being difficult. Hes constantly around and i know its all mind games and manipulation, its driving me crazy. Its as if he’s marking his territory telling me he isn’t going away, or trying make himself look good so he gets joint custody to hurt me, or gaslighting me like ‘oh im a good guy its all in your head, i dont go to the pub, your leaving me when im amazing’ i feel so frustrated as i know this isn’t the real him, the real him is the nasty name calling gaslighting drunk.
Im desperately trying to find somewhere to live and arranging my finances so i can get away from him, its like he’s suffocating me. I feel like I’m going mad. He went from being angry telling me i didnt deserve our family and wasnt worthy when I ended it to acting like a golden boy, butter wouldn’t melt and its making me so anxious.

[Better-days]

I know how it feels to feel trapped. Well done you for ending your relationship I wish I had some of your strength. It’s so difficult because we get worn down u till we have nothing left to give them when they realise they want to be good but the damage is done. I hope u get everything else sorted soon youv done the hardest but stay strong x

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Meow, he hasn’t got any intentions of leaving…he is using his ‘nice’ side to confuse you… it’s part of the tactivs so you feel too guilty to leave (Google FOG cycle)… I found this cycle hard to break but once I understood it I could move past my fears, Obligation and guilt (which were all misplaced)..
You also say that he is demanding to see his son at weekends but when it comes to the weekend he doesn’t spend quality time with his son, did I read that right?
Xx

[Meow123]

Its all manipulation isnt it, trying to confuse me so i dont have a reason to leave, I see through it but its still hard. I know it wont last, he will go back to his old ways soon.
Yes he moans he wants to spend time with our son but doesn’t do anything about it, always something else comes up and takee priority, or he will play with him for 10 mins then get bored. So frustrating.

[Bananaboat]

You hit the nail on the head, it’s all about control so you can’t make plans and he still controls your time. As awful as this period is it and it truly is as he’ll play so many games until one of you leaves the house, you got to hang in there and no add any fuel to his fire. I remember having plans A, B, C and D in my head for weekends – so if he did actually have him I’ll do this, if he doesn’t I’ll do that, etc just to feel like I had something to look forward to like walking to the park and he wasn’t controlling my whole weekend. They hate thinking they’re not upsetting us. Hope you get out soon xx

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