Minimising and Guilt

[Newst@rt]

I left the father of my children (detail removed by moderator) after many years of emotional, financial and sexual abuse. I left the country we were living in with my children, and left everything else behind. I met with a support worker who told me he had been ‘extremely’ abusive towards me, and that he’d been abusive to the children too. With the DA charity’s support I’ve broken contact with him and he no longer sees or speaks to the children.

On a good day I feel so relieved to have escaped, I feel positive and love life. I feel as though I’ve been given a second chance, feel so grateful to have my babies and instinctively know that with contact he would have damaged them and used them as weapons. I feel so damaged that I can’t ever envisage having another relationship, and I’ve had to start again, from scratch, with nothing, and had to go bankrupt because of debts he took out in my name.

At other times I’m terrified that I’ve made a massive mistake, that I’ve exaggerated what happened to the support worker, that I’ve blown things all out of proportion and got carried away. I feel this huge sense of responsibility that I’ve decided to stop the children from seeing him, I’m denying them the chance to have a relationship with their father and I’m terrified that this will damage them and that they’ll blame me when they’re older.

My oldest friend has been very supportive but is also blunt and opinionated. I know she doesn’t agree with what I’m doing, she doesn’t think he was abusive towards the children, and that I should be working hard to help them maintain a positive relationship with their father. I last saw her (detail removed by moderator) and have a conversation with her in my head almost daily where I try to justify the decisions I’ve made, even though I know I don’t need to justify anything to her.

I recently met another mum at my children’s school who is a survivor of physical abuse; the perpetrator broke her bones and is currently in prison awaiting sentencing. It was good to be able to speak to someone who understands, but after she left I felt like a fraud, that what happened to me wasn’t ‘real’ abuse, and that I’m making a mountain out of a molehill (she didn’t say or do anything to make me feel this way, I know it is something in mu head).

I’ve had counselling, support from a DA charity, and have read books about abuse, and I’m also hoping to do a Moving On After Domestic Abuse programme later this year. When will I stop doubting myself? When will I really believe that what happened to me is abuse? What if I have really got it all wrong?

Thank you for reading x

[Cecile]

It’s really really hard to be detached from the trauma bond and see ourselves as having been subjected to abuse. I am on the verge of leaving after months of planning and advice and counselling. I thought I had nailed it but still hadn’t told the police. I rang them today and felt surprised when the person I spoke to,seemed very concerned for me and what I have been through. I found myself wondering if I had exaggerated but a I haven’t told them much. So even now I am desensitised to his cruel cruel behaviours, and they include emotional, financial abuse at extreme levels and historic violence. I can’t give you advice on this as I am learning about it myself, but I can say that you are not alone. It is the learned dissonance that comes with this abuse. Ignore it. Ignore the guilt. Keep posting. Remember to imagine your perpetrator harming a female whom you cherish, such as a sister or friend. This is what you experienced.

[Newst@rt]

Thank you Cecile. After reading other brave women’s post and books about abuse I’m learning that minimising your abuser’s behaviour is common, but going back and forth in your head all the time is so exhausting, isn’t it? I do try and think how I’d feel if what happened to me had happened to someone else, it helps you to see things objectively, doesn’t it? Well done for finding the strength to speak to the police, and I’m glad to hear you’re on the verge of leaving x

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