Soconfused you haven’t got it wrong, I think this is something a lot of us struggle with and we compare our own experiences with those of others (which we shouldn’t do) abuse can take many forms & be subtle. My own experiences have included emotional manipulation, mind games, guilt tripping, passive aggressive behaviour, symbolic violence, which has been subtle on many occasions. I have often thought my experiences don’t seem as valid or serious as others but I know that’s not true & emotional & psychological abuse or manipulation is very damaging.
I think over time we can also get used to it and become desensitised to our experiences. My estranged husband didn’t really shout or raise his voice either but I often felt anxious & on eggshells round him but couldn’t necessarily pinpoint why. All of our experiences are valid. I’m still struggling to get my head round it now & find it difficult especially as my ex could also be generous, kind, loving & funny.