Minimising the things he does

[Confused-and-alone]

So (detail removed by moderator) I woke up to him pulling my pj’s down and trying to get inside me – this is far from the first time he’s done this, it’s becoming once or twice a week as by nighttime he’s generally too drunk to try and initiate sex. Anyway what normally happens is that I ignore it and pretend not to wake up or I tell him to leave me to sleep and he ignores me and carries on till he’s finished – in fairness I make no physical attempt to stop him. Yesterday he must have gone in at a funny angle or sonething cuz as he went in it really hurt me so I cried out and said several times ‘please stop you’re hurting me’ – and he just carries on like normal – moved his position a bit to stop it hurting but made no attempt to stop or check I was OK. I tried talking to him later on the day but he wouldn’t even look away from the TV as I was discussing it and took it all as a bit of a joke.

I am planning on leaving but don’t seem to be able to do it – even now I know I’m already minimising what happened even though I was really upset about it yesterday.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,
Just to reply. I am so sorry this has happened. It is not your fault.You have done really well to start posting here.
If you can phone women’s aid as soon as you can.
I’m sure the other ladies on here will also have helpful things to say.
Lisa the moderator I am sure will respond before too long.
keep posting
ftc
x

[Doris]

Hi, I can only reiterate what Freedom posted. I have not fortunately been subjected to forced sex – we just don’t! So I cannot really advise. But this behaviour is vile and wrong and my heart goes out to you. Please seek help – it’s hard to deal with such brutality without face-to-face support. Be kind to yourself – it’s not your fault and certainly not up to you to physically prevent abuse. X

[fridges]

I’m very sorry, what is happened to you. Hurting you and not to stop when you have asked it is not ok, and it is a violation towards you and your body. You have the strength inside you to leave him, but not realizing it yet.
I was ignored, I was very badly ignored when I said no, and I was crying non-stop, yet my abuser kept telling me the next day, this is what I was asking for. After cutting all ties and going no contact, maybe the survival instinct worked there, I started to realize every step, every little thing how I got manipulated and forced. Still can not put together how another human being can be to another human being, and act in such an evil way. I saw so much and I hurt so much and learning how to feel safe again, not sure I can make 100% progress there, but I try to foresee a better future. You can go to the rape center, they will listen to you and will comfort you. Create support around you to leave him.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi I just wanted to let you know your not alone in this. My oh still tries to get me to have sex, touches me, pulls my pjs down while I’m sleeping, but he’ll later on at night say, didn’t you notice me trying to touch you this morning or he’ll make out he was doing it for ages, which he wasn’t.
It’s repugnant what they do and brushing it off as a joke is part of the abuse. It’s rape and taking liberties, which are not his to take.
Well done in reaching out, living with this, wondering if somehow we’re getting it wrong, when there’s noone to confide in can and does send you insane. Keep posting love, keep learning from others posts.
Take care and keep safe
💕💕
IWMB

[Confused-and-alone]

Thank you for your replies – somehow even though I know this is wrong I feel like I need someone else to validate me and tell me this is not normal behavior. I’m just so worn down by it all.

[diymum@1]

I think they’re thinking is that they some how “own” you. They feel justified in doing this and don’t see that it’s wrong. It’s wrong because he’s not obtaining your consent, and when you say stop then he blinking well should. I have been at the receiving end of this a couple of times and I haven’t been in many relationships but in each of them they took a massive huff when they didn’t get what they wanted. That’s tough though if we’re tired, dont feel like it or just don’t want to then that’s how it is. If they carry on then it is abuse xx 💕 💕

[fridges]

The abuser makes you intentionally vulnerable and you are looking validation from a very wrong person. He is not capable to give you the accurate answers and by seeking validation through him, this road will not lead you to a good place. Please learn more about the patterns, please find the freedom group in your area, please find at least one person outside to whom you can speak openly and who can help you see through the situation.
Somewhere I read the validation is only for the parking space.
Your feelings and emotions are important, please put yourself first.

[NewWings]

I am so sorry to hear this if you can leave. Do you have children? This will not get better believe me, my ex forced himself on me after a car accident the same day. It was so awful I buried it deep probably to protect myself. I couldn’t stop him as the pain of the accident had begun to set in. He would regularly iniate sex whether I wanted to or not. I was so angry one time I deliberately went limp like a rag doll and gave no response he was livid and told me never to do that again. I found out he was on some pretty sick sex sites too, one in particular stuck out (detail removed by moderator) I was repelled and then it hit me, once I became obviously pregnant at about 3 mths he wouldn’t have sex. Why because he hates fat women he used to poke fun at me when I put on weight. So please leave the abuse will never stop once it’s started and can escalate I believe my ex has tried to kill me more than twice.

[Daisydo]

It makes me feel physically sick to read what is happening to you. I won’t even share a bed with my husband anymore, I sleep in with one of the children, have done for months. He would always go in a big mood and cause an atmosphere if I didn’t want sex and it was easier to just let him get on with it & get it over with sometimes than deal with the hours of arguing after if I said ‘no. Also if I pushed him away when he went for a grope in the kitchen, or wherever, he would say ‘your my wife, if i can’t touch you,…there is something wrong!!’. So controlling. I’m patiently planning my way out of this relationship. Keep being brave, what he is doing is so wrong, seek help and start planning how to get out of the relationship. We are all here for you, keep posting. X

[EbonyRaven]

I was so sorry to read about what he forces on you. I can empathise totally, as I’ve been in a similar place. When it all came to a head and I had to call the police and run from the house, they go through a checklist of questions with you, and one of them is around sexual matters.

Even then I automatically said no, he hadn’t made me feel bad etc. without hardly thinking, because I was embarrassed, but then I thought about Claire’s Law and if I didn’t say yes, then I was potentially allowing that to happen to another woman. So I said yes.

I am not going to lie and say that making the statement was easy, it wasn’t. However I am very glad I went through it. It’s documented now, and it was such a release to say it out loud. The DA police were so lovely, and really allow you to take your time.

I’m on my own now, and email the counsellor at the sexual abuse agency to talk things out on a regular basis. That helps a lot, as it isn’t something I want to talk to friends I’m just re-connecting with about.

You don’t deserve to be treated like that. x

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