Misdiagnosed Post Natal Depression

[KIP.]

I read a recent post where the above happened. Exactly what happened to me. My ex didn’t even take the day off work when my son was born. He collected us both in a works car! Then his abuse intensified as my attention was drawn away from him. I just didn’t recognise this was causing my depression and when I went to the GP feeling suicidal, depressed, tearful, fearful of leaving the home, fearful of staying in the home!, anxious etc. The medical profession were all very quick to label me and pump me full of drugs, making it even easier for the abuse to continue. Not only that but it gave my ex a new weapon. That I had a mental illness and would never get custody! I’ve heard this story many times on this forum and just want to raise awareness for any new ladies or even others that hadn’t considered this. It was never our fault. Doctors and midwives fell woefully short of knowledge of domestic abuse. I hope thing have changed since then x

[Serenity]

Exactly what happened to me, KIP.

I was told after my youngest that I probably had PND.

In reality, it was probably more the fact that he’d used my pregnancy as an opportunity to heighten his cruelty and control, left me feeling vulnerable and I cared for and that my carrying and giving birth to his child was just an irritant to him. He left me to carry my own heavy bags into the hospital when I was in labour, because he wanted to find free parking, he was losing his temper with my eldest, telling me I was disturbing his sleep when I had contractions, left me to register my son’s birth alone and do heavy shopping when I had bleeding C-section wounds, shouted at mr if I dared say I was tired, walked out angrily when I asked for help with the kids, made me feel on edge for focussing on the kids at any time instead of him, scared me by putting us in dangerous situations, including skidding the car with the kids in it, inviting his abusive parents to stay for months and enjoyed joining ranks with them to bully me, spoiling holidays and days out, suggesting all the time that other women were attractive, and probably playing away, I now think; laughing when my pet died, trying his best to isolate my family and support network from me, flying into rages of his meals weren’t perfect, slagging off my appearance: loving to leave me w
exhausted whilst he went out on the razzle, making fun of my abilities in anything ….

PND? Probably not. Trauma? Yes.

[Serenity]

And having my second child probably triggered all kinds of bad memories about how awful he’d been the first time round!

[Jupiter]

Dear Kip and Serenity

Thank you for highlighting the misdiagnosis. Most health pros know nothing of trauma or DA but we ourselves probably didnt either back then when we had children.Women are very vulnerable during pregn,ancy and in post natal phase too,weakened by childbirth, isolation, exhaustion, childcare, then abuse.No wonder we become traumatised and our abuser turns the family against us too.
My ex threatened my life with a weapon when first baby was 3 months old-my mother showed no empathy re the danger and I was too scared to report it in case I lost my baby.When the next baby was born, I became depressed again but this time ex told me I was’ a selfish b***h’ and he would take the children away from me.During that pregnancy he tried to strangle me in front of our then toddler.Nothing happened to him and I was blamed for the discord.When they were small he literally did take them away.Women usually do carry the blame for abusive male behaviour because we are still not viewed with the same respect that men enjoy.I was called’ an unfit mother’ for being distressed but no such label exists for a man.Like others here, I feel grief for what could have been if I had been with a non abusive man.When we had first new baby, we had a second- hand car bought with money left to me by relative.Then one weekend, ex took off in car to his mother like a child.All abusive and other behaviours were overlooked in court
but my normal distress was treated as almost criminal.His cruelty was ignored as if I deserved it.With all ex’s support party I felt my mental state was faulty.Maybe this was gaslighting?
Jupiter

[Relieved]

I recently took part in a discussion group to gain information about how abused women are helped or not by health professionals. Post Natal Depression it seems is (mis)diagnosed in many abused women. My local domestic abuse service has been talking to GPs in the area, training them to spot signs of psychological and emotional abuse. They hope to further this training with midwives and health visitors which will be great if it helps more women in the future. I hope this is happening nationwide too.

My PND never got better, despite having counselling and having a community psychiatric nurse visiting me regularly. I had periods when I could manage without antidepressants but had to go back on them again and again. My GP at the time told me I probably would have to take them for the rest of my life! Little did I know that it was hubby causing all my misery.

[Serenity]

I remember when I got a splinter in my finger.

It was longer than I realised.
I thought I would leave it to rise to the surface and then pop it out with hot water- but it stayed there.

In the end, I began to feel generally very unwell. I had no infection or anything- I just felt out of sorts. When I explained this to the nurse and A&E, he said it didn’t matter if it wasn’t infected: having any foreign body in you makes you feel unwell, because it’s an alien mass.

This is how I think of abusers: their mere presence in your lives turns every situation toxic! They are alien masses, foreign bodies!

[Jupiter]

Yes abusers invade our healthy selves and cause ill health until our immune system kicks in to kick them out!
Jupiter

[KIP.]

Even after they leave i find they are like a very toxic smell. It lingers in the background, we know its there but eventually learn to live with the smell and ignore it. However, the nearer they get, the stronger that toxic smell becomes making us feel generally ill at first, then comes the nausea, gut pain, flashbacks, disturbed sleep. The courts dont recognise this mental harm. They make us wait for the physical.

[godschild]

I suffered PND after my son, a Phycoanylist I saw some years later said ti was caused by lack of appreciation and care by the Father.

I remember my husband throwing a glass when I first got it and some bits went into the pram.

His parents were very domineering and I was exhausted after having my son and I said when they came to visit could it be just half an hour as I did not really get on with them his Mom loved to tell me what to do and side with her “faultless Son they stayed far far longer and I was so upset and tired and he was just abusive put them before my needs as he did and does everyone else.

They have no manners,empathy or compassion to us as Women at all, especially when we are ill or incapacitated, it really puts them out as ive been seeing again this past week,utterley selfish.

[Jupiter]

Hi Godschild

Agree that is a nightmarish place to be in when you have abuse from a partner following childbirth, then you find you are surrounded by similar tactics from so -called family.
when my mother was in the house in post natal period,I realise now that lack of empathy blinded her to my needs in a vulnerable time.I had flu twice then as I was low and ex even had to tell her to look after me!? I recall her banging the carpet sweeper on the floor,saying in a martyr-like voice that she was’ only there to clean’.I was shocked.
Only recently I have been reading a book about n**********c mothers and a red light went on in my head,realising that she ticked almost all the boxes for this personality.Apparently, it is possible to have more than one(like abusive ex)
in your life or family, as we have no other frame of reference.I know the insight is shocking but it actually starts to join all the dots re a network of people with deficits in empathy.However,there is no excuse for their horrible behaviour because they know what they do and we all have free will.We can learn how to defend and protect ourselves and this forum is a great way to do this.We are not alone as we once thought.Dr Judith Herman, who wrote Trauma and Recovery, informs us that we can not recover in isolation,that we need effective others to help us on our healing path.
Jupiter

[Relieved]

Wow, that’s just brought up an unhappy memory from when my youngest was a tiny baby. I can remember my ex being extremely impatient during my labour, then refused to pick us up from hospital 24 hours after the birth and then we went to stay with his parents overseas and his mother was very off hand with me, snapping at me about some minor mistake I had made, she’d told me to make myself at home but then criticised when I did something that wasn’t her way. I was trapped abroad with a tiny baby and a husband who told me to suck it up, you are spoiling the atmosphere!

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