Miss who I was

[Songbird55]

I miss who I used to be, but is that his fault? Was it me who changed me? Maybe it’s part of growing older?

Sorry if this is a long load of ramble but I’ve got nearly (removed by moderator) years of stuff bottled up and I have no one to talk to.

I came into this marriage confident, too confident maybe, I was often the centre of attention, always laughing, always joking, I had a biggish group of friends. I had a really good job, all of which I left as we moved away shortly after getting married.

After we got married the alcohol fuelled arguments started, suddenly i was being shouted at in public for laughing too loud, for being too much, for being an embarrassment, so I stopped drinking when we went out, maybe I was too much, I would play over what I said, how I acted, but the arguments continued, so then I just made excuses to not go out at all, on occasions we do go out I’m so so anxious, I feel sick, scared,nervous.

He did used to frequently wake me up when he came in from nights out to shout at me, usually over sex, it’s at the point where I’m scared when he goes out now, I’m almost bordering panic attack king of feeling when I go to bed, sometimes I try to pretend I’m asleep but I can still hear him muttering away that it’s an awful marriage and so on.

Sorry if tmi but before we were married we had an ok sex life, I was always a bit uptight over sex as I had an ex partner who sexually assaulted me me during an argument over me ending the relationship, but I had in under control, but on our honeymoon my husband shouted at me when I declined sex and ignored me for a whole day, I had to go to the restaurant alone, spent the whole day alone, he only started to talk to me after we had “make up” sex… although to me it was more “please be nice to me” sex, since then it’s become more of an issue for me, he stil tries most days and still gets the hump when I say no, although he says he is angry at himself not me, but it doesn’t feel that way to me. He often grabs me in intimate places and I have to ask him several times before he will stop, I will try to avoid walking passed him so he can’t grab at me, when I get upset he says he is just being loving and most women would love an affection husband.

I now have anxiety and depression, the only person I speak to is my mum every couple of weeks, I got a new job when we moved but I quit that after my anxiety made me unable to fully function at work. Since leaving my job, my husband is obviously the bread winner, he gives me money for shopping etc but I have to tell him how much I need, I never have anything extra, he says he will give me money whenever I need it, but I have to ask a few times and he will often make a point of saying how little money he has left for the month, so I constantly feel guilty taking money from him.

I do know losing my wage does have a negative impact and makes our finances stretched so he is probably stressed about that.

Maybe it is just me being dramatic, maybe I am ungrateful for all he does, maybe it’s just my depression causing all the issues?

Do I just need to get a grip?

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there and welcome to the forum. No you dont need to just get a grip.
I copied the following, ‘when I get upset he says he is just being loving and most women would love an affection husband’. This made me lol, and not in a nice way. My ex used to say the exact same thing, you’re my wife, what I can’t show my wife I love her. But those are not loving acts, they are aggressive, frightening acts. I used to be like you, could talk to anyone, fit in, in any circle. But once we were living together and then married, I couldn’t be me. Constantly accused of flirting, of not knowing what I was doing if I had too much to drink, (but wasn’t he there, wan’t I in a safe place to be able to talk to anyone?)I stopped drinking around him, stopped going out, stopped giving my children and my friends and family proper time, 10 minutes here,20 minutes there.
Have you looked up the cycle of abuse, there are so min any ways to abuse someone, financial abuse is, another is sexual abuse (it’s not all about violently being raped). Then there’s punishing you with the silent treatment when he doesn’t get what he wants or feels something you’ve done as wrong. You’re in the right place, sadly it is DA, you just have to take time to decide what’s you want to do. Noone here will judge or badger you to do something you don’t want to. We may plead with someone to leave when we read how bad their relationship is,but the decision to do so is yours. Read up on the this subject, why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and living with the dominator by pat Craven are good to begin with. There’s no stereotype to an abuser or abused person but they have many similar qualities (abusers)
Take care, maybe look into the grey rock method online.try not to get pulled into his chaos. He gives you the silent treatment, fine let him sulk like a petulant child. Not all abusers had a bad childhood or were bullied themselves,some had a great start in life but were given too much, spoilt,indulged,made excuses for.
You’ll find your way through this, we’re here every step of the way.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Iwantmeback]

Ps who you were is still there, she’s just waiting to be free.
💞💞

[Lisa]

Hi Songbird55,

I can see you are new here, so welcome to the forum!
You are not alone in your experience and the more you use this forum you will understand how beneficial it is to share your stories here to receive the validation you need. Try not to doubt yourself and your right to reach out for help. Your partner’s behaviour is totally unacceptable so it’s important you your able to address this and take steps to end the cycle of abuse he clearly puts you through. Your anxiety and depression is no doubt connected this and is a normal reaction.
Iwantmeback has already provided some helpful advice and can totally relate you what you are going through, so please do continue to post here and use it as a place of support without judgement.
You may want to see what further help your local domestic abuse service can offer. Or check out information on ‘what is abuse‘ on the Women’s Aid website.
Take care,

Lisa

[Songbird55]

Thank you both for your replies.

I’ve been quite anxious in putting together a reply incase he sees, but over the past week I have thought more and more about things…

And I’m so angry at him, what an absolute git (fod want of a better, more sweary word for him)

But I’ve had some sad news recently within my family and I was sitting watching a really sad tv show that was really hitting home and I was desperately holding back the tears, I went to bed and lay thinking about it and the realisation of why I cant cry infront of him hit me like a sledgehammer, because I realised if I let him comfort me, I have to have sex with him. Early on in our marriage I was much more outwardly emotional and if I’d be crying, he would comfort me for 30 seconds, then start kissing me and so on, I’d often still be crying the whole time.

How horrifically messed up is that?

If I’m upset these days, I either bottle it up or wait until he is not around and sob into the fur of my little dog, but in a way I feel emotionless now, kind of numb inside, nothing matters.

I’m so desperately lonely.

I was speaking to my mum and she was saying how awful it is not seeing anyone and not going out because of self isolation and I just thought this has been my life for a couple of years now, I do nothing.

I have no friends, I struggle to speak to people, I feel stupid and stutter. I used to speak at conferences and give presentations without a second thought. Now I panic if the lady at Asda is too chatty and it requires me to speak more than a few words in reply. I then replay it, was I rude? Did I smile genuinely enough, did I say anything stupid.

At times I want to leave but I have nothing, the car is in his name, I have no savings, no access to money, I’m hundreds of miles from everyone who might of helped me.

I do know my depression causes alot of the way I feel too.

At times I wish he would hit me, as then I would have evidence he is abusive, I’d know it was wrong, I dont feel able to have that clarity with how things are now.

Please excuse typos I’m trying to hide my phone as I type incase he comes in.

[Camel]

Hi Songbird

I recognise so much of what you describe that I’m feeling again the suffocating anxiety.

Three things.

One. Your depression is a totally understandable result of the trauma you live with every day. It’s not the cause of anything.

Two. When I left I had nothing. No home. No job. I did have good friends. I had family. Leaving was essential and the best move I ever made.

Three. The real you is there, waiting to escape. You have to help her.

Good luck x

[Catjam]

Hi song bird,
You are not alone, I am in the same situation and just recently one of my kids commented that they hate the way I change when he comes home. I go from being bouncy and laughing to quiet and serious. The books are definitely worth a read and I understand there are plenty of people out there who can help you with leaving.
Keep posting on here, the advice you get is invaluable and sometimes it’s just good to feel listened to.
Take care and start looking after you xx

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there welcome. It’s not you, it’s him. When you met you were a vibrant joyful wonderful person and that threatened him so he tried to squash it. You’re still that wonderful person, it’s just hiding as it’s not safe to come out at the moment. Once you’re free of him you’ll slowly get yourself back. I know because I’ve done it.

When I met my ex I was vibrant and creative too. I loved creative hobbies and singing and dancing. He used to glare at me if I sang when most people say I have a nice voice. His glares stopped me singing. I stopped my creative hobbies because he’d get sulky if I did them around him, but wanted me round at his constantly. They are like energy vampires that suck the life out of us. I think a lot of it is jealousy – they’re angry untalented miserable souls who hate seeing joyful happy souls.

Can you ring the helpline? There are local ones as well as national. Also look up the Power and Control wheel in Google and the Cycle of Abuse. And keep sharing on here.

[SunshineRainflower]

Also, this is abuse. Abuse isn’t just about hitting, that’s only one aspect of it. My ex never hit me but he was extremely abusive, mostly psychologically wearing me down, putting me down, blaming and criticising me, scaring me, making me think I was imagining things (gaslighting). He was physically rough with me too but he’d always say it was an accident so it was v hard to prove. There’s a law called Coercive Control which covers what you’re experiencing. He’s also v sexually abusive to you and he sounds very callous and lacking in empathy. I’m sorry you’re in this situation but you can absolutely get out and thrive again.

[Songbird55]

Like many I’m sure, I feel too anxious to visit this forum very often and when I go I really so scared he will find out or know.

I think he has previously either gone into my computer or signed up himself when he has seen me on a page as he has thrown things at me which I’ve posted online under names which don’t make it obvious it’s me…

But right now, I am so angry but he is making out that it’s me in the wrong, I’m being moody, I’m over reacting, this is me, not him and I guess I just need clarity from you guys.

I’ve just been washing up so had wet plates in my hand and he has come up to me knowing I had my hands full so couldnt stop him without dropping and breaking things, and he put his fingers inside my bra, pulling my top down and exposing my breast. I put the plates down and pulled my top back up as quickly as I could and shouted (detail removed by moderator), to which he said (detail removed by moderator).

I’m just so angry, its my body, I am not his property.

Do normal relationships act this way? Do some women find it funny and acceptable?

 

[Anonymous]

Nothing funny about it. It’s called – horrific abuse and you need to stop it from happening. Been away here but do pop in now and then…… Just wondering why you need anyone else’s affirmation that this is abuse when you know it’s – abuse? Do you think you deserve it for some reason? At any rate, if someone is beating you up on the street do you need to have a long drawn out conversation with them about why they are doing it or did you wear your hair wrong that day, or looked at him wrong, or had a tone in your voice when you said hello…..etc.? Uh, no. Abuse IS Abuse. We don’t need to discuss it with them or reason with an abusive person because that will literally just tie your tail in a knot and spin you about and well that was fun but now you’re dizzy and in a fog so what good came from it?

You don’t trust your own intuition and radar and that’s a pity, really is. You do see what’s what, but you’re not wanting to see it. I have been where you are, no friends, no family, no money, no nothing but trust me when I say when YOU say enough is enough and YOU slam that hammer down on the table and actually mean it – stuff happens. Doors do open. It’s a law in the universe. You actually CAN move mountains but as long as you put your head between your legs and second guess yourself it won’t/can’t happen.

Stand Up! Cowgirl UP! When in situations like this, I’ve just said, don’t have a clue how I’m going to get out of this but what I do know IS, this……is unacceptable and I WILL get out of it! I did. Many times. Reach your hand down inside of you and grab hold of some grit because that’s what it takes. Just a little will do. I got laughed at, scorned, ridiculed, looked down on and all that but by god, I did it. You can too. You just have to say, not taking it anymore, not taking less, not standing down, not being tormented or abused, not talking to someone who makes me go round in circles, not having anything but peace, shelter, healthy living and healing in my life. End of. That’s it! Want to mess with me, bring it because I am a lioness and I will fight you! You don’t need to ponder it over anymore, you need to DO something about it. Act! We have to let go of what we thought someone was because clearly their actions speak otherwise. Discard it like toilet paper. Poof be gone. That was then, this is now. New day. New perspective. You can get you back but you can’t do that running around in circles. Make a straight line and walk out of the cornfield.

[Wants To Help]

Actually, it was that sort of straight talking, no nonsense stuff that my DA support worker gave me that made me get out for good. It’s what I needed. In this day and age, all the books and supporters tell us that we shouldn’t victim blame and that we are not responsible for the abuse that is happening to us. And that’s true to some extent.

But my DA Support Worker said to me “What is it you actually want? You need to make a decision? Do you want to remain a victim? Or do you want out?” Those few short words hit home far more than all the sympathy and ‘fluffyness’. Put like that, I wanted out.

[Anonymous]

Whatever happens that strips us of “who we were/are” doesn’t have to define us – now. Because who we are inherently is “still in there”. So we have to grab that part of us, bring it to the surface and say – YOU are in charge now, so let’s Rock and Rolla! Don’t know who that is? well then, just re-invent yourself. Who do you want to be? What do you admire in a person? You do have that ability? We bow to people who would like to make us servants to them but we seriously don’t have to do that. We can say, eh, no. Thought about it, forgot about it and you can bite me. Last time I checked my life was MY life not yours to do with what you want.

Sometimes you just have to w*d everything yuchy up into a ball and throw it out the window. I’ll figure out all the moving parts later but right now – I’m getting straight away out of this c**p and doing it Now!

And when I do figure it out you… can bet your bits I’m not telling my abuser what I’ve figured out or anyone who is in tight with them either. Uh NO. No one’s business but me own. If I want to talk to the devil, I’ll ring him up, got his number.

If you’re ridding your flat of mold you don’t stop to talk to it or to go over and over in your head about how it got there instead of – cleaning out your flat of it. You clean out your flat of it! Don’t care how it got there but it’s coming out now, eh?

We can ponder whatever later but when your feathers are on fire, they are on fire. And predators and abusers do one thing really really well and that is – make you sllllloooooowwwww to see that – you are on fire and then to make you think it’s your fault and then to sit paralyzed so you don’t get help and then to think that OH my oh my, I should think more about the one who started the fire than myself!! I must run back into the burning house then!

If it’s poison and you’ve gotten to this point of knowing that it is then – the part where you turn and go, oh no, was a mistake to talk, oh no, they need me, oh no, I am too weak to do this, oh no, I’m to blame….then “they” who really really did do this to you – they win. You have a brief window in time to do something about it. When the door is open, when you really are listening, you need to do something because that window can slam shut and it’s all because of the harm and abuse that’s already been done to you, sweetheart. You are so ready to just run back into the fire and I see that, I do. But you can’t do that. You can’t give him or anyone else the right to take your life from you any level whatsoever.

C’mon now. I’m old and all that. Make an old woman smile here. Let me see a fire roaring over there! Know you got it in you! I know I’m not all that tender sometimes. I can be but when I see someone like you who is going back and forth on an edge, eh, I’m going to shoot straight with you. You want that or you wouldn’t be here. People want “truth”. They really do. They want to be grabbed by the neck because oh guess what? If that happens, it means someone cares. I do. Others here do as well. If you were falling off a cliff, I’d grab you. You’re falling off a cliff now. I’m grabbing………

[Author]

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