Missed another chance

[anotherlife]

I wrote a great long post on here then it timed out as I had to leave my phone, so it’s gone. I need to start again but it’s a quick short one now, as I can’t even be bothered to write it.
How will I ever make that decision to say it’s over. I’ve had 2 awful years and (detail removed by Moderator) mounting up to them I think.
I had chances last year when it was awful and he says he’d go. I just couldn’t say it, even though I have no love or trust or anything left. I just don’t want to upset the kids & them lose their home. He’s been nice to them a few months now.
I had opportunity today & yesterday to end it. He’s been ultra nice & apologetic and we had a peaceful Christmas. But it’s all a big lie to me.
I don’t have any attachment or love to him. But I know it’s the cycle of abuse & the FOG that’s stopping me from just saying it’s over. He honestly would have left yest or today, I know it would be hard for ages and I was ready for that a few months ago, but my strength which was increasing and my resolve, have completely crashed. The kids seem happy. I know that’s not what it’s all about. I’ll never let him touch me again, him touching my skin makes me feel sick, I used to feel better when he worked away bit nothing helps now. I just put on a face for the world outside and try to be happy for the kids. My head is pounding today, the pressure which I could change but just can’t seem to do.
I’ve done the freedom program. I know everything he’s done is wrong & how he’s treated us. But how do I end it when he’s on this emotional path, making me feel so bad but saying he understands how awful he’s been.
Who’s been through it like this? How do I end it? I’m just so lost.

[KIP.]

He’s going nowhere. Don’t believe a word he says. Only act on what he actually does. My ex played this game for years. ‘Just tell me and I will go. Our son can grow up without a dad just like my first child’ He would play awful mind games. They have absolutely no intention of going anywhere. He can clearly see you don’t want him. Anyone else would get the message but these men hang around and enjoy sucking the life from us. Getting their kicks from the high they get from the abuse. The way to end it is without him knowing. Make your plans and exclude him from them. Either an occupation order to have him removed or rent somewhere else and leave with the children or go into a refuge where you can get support.

[Iwantmeback]

My oh is telling me to if you don’t want me here just tell me but I can’t. I’m like you too anotherlife, I’m thinking it’s down to how things have been quiet and calmer for a while maybe we are minimising yet, I’m freaking at being here, my patience is wearing so thin, I’m finding fault on a daily basis, it’s getting to him. My stomach is playing up big time again z I’m having daily headaches. There has been a few times I could’ve just said, no I don’t love you anymore, I want to end this, but I haven’t. Guess I’m not sure ready yet. But I’m getting there. I’m thinking more and more about having a place of my own, furnishing it, not having to run after him all the time. I will do this, someday. It’s all I think about now, he hardly invades my thoughts the way he used to every day, I can go hours and NOT think of him at all. That’s progress
IWMB 💕💕

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