Missing him!

[Idontknow]

Amazing how much my life has changed in a week. Everyone now knows what’s been happening. Police were brilliant. He tried to turn back up at my house after I’d asked him to leave. Thankfully he text first so police was here waiting for him. He was so shocked I felt guilty for a while.
He has been charged and his bail conditions are not to contact me unless it’s through a third party and only to discuss access to kids and not to come near my home.
I feel relaxed and relieved. I stand by my decision completely. It had to stop, I couldn’t live unhappy anymore and although I am far from happy and have so many pieces to pick up I’m better than I was.
Doesn’t shake of the feeling of missing him though. My daughter who is a complete daddy’s girl keeps asking when he’ll be home from work. She’s too young to understand and so is our son who has been looking for daddy every morning.
These feelings and watching my children do give me fleeting moments of regret but they do pass and I am doing everything I can to keep distracted, but it doesn’t stop this empty, nauseous feeling I have 24/7.
Very hard to speak to people about this side of things because instantly they jump the gun and assume your going to take him back etc. That’s not the case but I am upset that this chapter of my life has come to an end, not because I’ll miss the abuse or the controlling behaviour but because I’d have given anything for it to not have ended up like this, like we all would and it’s sad for all involved that it has. I feel so much at the moment I’m a mixed bag of emotions and not being able to speak about it for fear of judgement is making it harder. I have a journal…but right now I feel like I need support, for someone to say that it’s ok to feel these things, that it’s normal to feel these things.

[iwillbeok]

Big hugs to you hon! Well done on getting free! It’s a rollercoaster but it does get easier! I don’t miss my ex anymore. It is like a fog has lifted from my home – a fog of guilt, fear, tension and entitlement! I hope you can find someone you can talk to without judgement (and can highly recommend counselling) as what you’re feeling is completely normal. These men trauma bond us and then people don’t understand why we stay or miss them. Give yourself time to grieve the loss, process the hurt, and find yourself again. You are a strong lady who is worthy of love, happiness and safety – you and your children. Keep going hon, you can do this!

Xx

[Grateful]

I admire your strength and echo what iwillbeok says. I have recently left my husband and occassionally I feel I miss him, but then I remind myself I miss what he could have been, not how he actually was.
Stay strong and keep going. You will reach a far better place, given time. Be kind to yourself in the meantime.

[endoftherainbow]

Hello, well done on what you have achieved, its not a easy time, iv been free for a few months now and have a restraining order so no contact. But some days I do miss him, I feel I cannot say this to anyone, I worry that they will think im going back, but that’s not the case. Im sad that it all ended up like this, its not what I thought would happen. When you have those times, don’t worry or doubt yourself. I have a laminated card on which I wrote the main reasons I left, and the main positive for being free, when I have down days I read this to remind myself how much better things are. Children do make it more difficult, but they are very mine are older and have decided to have no contact. I wish you so muck luck, take it one day at a time, big hugs to you all x*x

[KIP.]

You miss the good times, of which there were no doubt many because all our abusers started out as charming men – that’s why we got into relationships with them in the first place.

Here’s what stops me missing my ex – perhaps it will help you. I remind myself that my ex is a liar and I fell in love with a man who doesn’t truly exist. He presented himself as caring, successful, and totally tuned into my needs. In short, he moulded himself into the perfect partner and told me whatever I wanted to hear. I lapped it up. I believed he was the most amazing man I’d ever met and couldn’t believe he felt the same way about me…

But he was lying the whole time. All the things he told me – all a fantasy. He lied to get me to fall in love with him and he lied to get me to stay with him, always playing the victim (when he wasn’t intimidating me with threats and actual violence).

The real him is a self-serving and nasty individual who I never would have fallen for if he had revealed his true self to me.

So you see I don’t miss him, but I miss aspects of the “fake” him – the one that was pretending to be nice to reel me in. Does my ex sound anything like yours? If so then put the “fake” him out of your mind – that man doesn’t exist.

[SunshineRainflower]

I agree with everyone else, and will also add, that it is ok and healthy to mourn for the person you thought you had, because to you the relationship was real so you have to grieve that. I am in that grieving process myself now, it just hit me recently that I feel heartbroken and devastated about losing him even though I know he wasn’t really the person he pretended to be. I feel better if I let the feelings come up, cry, write it down etc rather than denying that I feel really sad about it and miss him. It is called disenfranchised grief and is much better to let it out and go through it than push it down. Keep going, it is hard but it will get better.

[Dragonfly]

Yes these are normal feelings and well done, you did the right thing. I can see from your post you know you did. I don’t know how old your children are but they do need some explanation (imo). I know now, we can’t continue to cover up for our partners or exes, children need some info too. My son once said to me… ‘mum, I can see now why you and dad split up, you were arguing a lot’. He was around (detail removed by moderator) at that time. He witnessed one physical attack on me when he was (detail removed by moderator) Guess what? He remembers it. That makes me feel bad. I’ve no Idea how you go about telling your children that things have changed but they have. They need something?? I think if you explained something to them it would also take some of the pressure off you. You are not wonder woman and you don’t have to be.

[Idontknow]

Thank you for responding ladies. So good to communicate with people who understand fully! You are all right it is the good but fake times that plays on your mind.
My children with him are (detail removed by moderator) and young and it’s the eldest he is close to I have tried to explain to her that she will see daddy soon because she’s so young still I don’t really know what to tell her to be honest.

I know I did the right thing getting rid of him and it’s such early days for me and I think mostly I’m just frustrated that even though I fully realise what I have been stuck in for years, what I’ve put up with, even after reading up on trauma bonds and realising that’s exactly what I’m experiencing with him and still my mind sees the good or misses him. I know it was all fake now but I didn’t know and I had three children with him and planned my hold life with him!!
I know we all probably feel like this but oh how I wish I could turn back the hands of time!!

[Author]

Posts