Missing him

[Curtains]

It’s been nearly (removed by moderator) without contact now and it’s been a struggle and I’m really depressed but starting to have little glimmers of a light at the end of the tunnel but having a moment right now where I just feel so lost. I want him to call me or text and be good to me and to do something about the error of his ways and just look after me. I know this is stupid and that, that will never happen but I’m struggling so much. I’m not used to having no contact with him like this and my heart hurts so much. I’m sat thinking was it so bad and should I reach out to him (I’m not going to) I just feel so stupid for feeling this way. Please tell me I’m not the only one.

[Anonymous]

Hi there and big Welcome to you!! NO, no, no, you’re not alone in this. It’s part of the poisonous effect that’s injected into us with their abuse. Keeps us coming back to our predator so they can once again feed on us. Nature does this, too, especially insects. I’m pretty sure it’s also biological. I have always always noticed that with abuse victims, they are almost out, away from their abuser, not having sex, thinking clearly and all that and then Boom! they reconnect, have sex and guess what? Their brain is right back in the fog again. I’ve actually had people really lash out at me when it was me who held their hand through all of it but now I’m the enemy? LOL! No, I’m his enemy actually.

They isolate their prey. Get you all gummed up with their web and what actually happens is the host becomes part of the prey as in something they feed on. Spiders do this. Spider wasps which are actually huge, do this. They go and get a tarantula for example, fly it to wherever (I’ve seen this in real life, very scary) and they then plop their young inside the spider. It’s disabled of course but still alive, then the young feed on the spider until they hatch and then the spider’s job is done. B’bye now and thanks for letting us use you!

Same thing here really. And these women I was talking about would come around later and go OMG, I am sooo sorry! He was more horrible to me when I went back than before! I said, of course he was. Everytime you do this, he disrespects you more because you can be manipulated.

What you are in love with – isn’t real. You’re in love with the illusion of who you thought he was. But real is consistent. It’s not here one day and gone the next. Inconsistency is always a very very bad sign. You will know them by the consistency of their inconsistencies. You’re still in the phase of the poison wearing off and the bigger problem is – he has so robbed you of your own personhood that you don’t feel like a person unless you are tethered to his hip.

Now, you have to find out “who you are”? What you really want in life? What are your likes and dislikes? It’s like knocking on your own door and saying – can I come in and get to know you because all this time I have no idea who you really are? Time to not be on the outside looking in regarding yourself and truly get to know “you”. You’ve been a prisoner now long enough to where you’ve lost all that. Time to get it back. Time to not be a slave even inside your own head. The best medicine is to immerse yourself in self exploration, self knowledge, finding out what lights you up, setting boundaries about what you will absolutely not allow in your life anymore, etc.

Your heart hurts because you made him your everything and your authentic self is saying to you…….can you come back home now? Because being tethered to an illusion and to him – isn’t home. You have to make your place in this world and in your life – about “you”. Otherwise yes, you will want to go back to the prison you used to know. If you think about it enough and miss it – you will go back. I’ve seen it alot. I don’t want that for you. So take your thoughts captive because right thinking creates right emotions. But you have to start feeding yourself good food. Do things that make you happy, find out what that is. You left for a reason so remember that. Big Hugs to you!!!!

[Curtains]

Braelynn thank you for your reply it almost brought a tear to my eye. There’s a lot of sense in what u say. I’m feeling better than I did yesterday and starting to feel the benefits of him not been in my life and slowly step by step finding myself again. Ur right that he became me and I didn’t feel like a person without him. On reading that from u I’ve come to the realisation that what I’ve been going through has been my brain readjusting like a withdrawal. I’m still by no means out of the woods mentally but I’m on the right track. I’ve found this forum has helped me massively.

[Anonymous]

Oh it is an addiction, a very real one and we want our fix. But your fix now needs to come from what makes “you” happy and fulfilled, peaceful. Your brain will adjust. You just have to feed it new good food. Make plans every day to do that because you are starving here….. Right actions create right emotions. Take your thoughts captive and put a gag in the little self critic who starts whining. Just shut that thing Down! LOL!

[ineedsomeadviseplease]

Thank you for this. I feel exactly the same way

I keep longing for him to talk to me as if there’s anything he can say or do that would fix the past few months of horror.

I’ve turned into something else. I feel bad about me all the time as if I turned him into this monster since he had a long term relationship before me. I wonder if she relate to what I go through or if I made him a person that only mean to hurt me.

[Anonymous]

INSAP…..and that is precisely what he wants you to think. I have talked to countless sex abuse victims btw that all initially think They are the only one he ever did it too. That is never the case with predatory people. Whoever is handy. When it does come to light with them they almost want to reject it because in some weird way it feels right….like they are comfortable thinking it was all their fault. That is called – self loathing that happened way before. If we don’t like ourselves initially then when someone treats us this way it’s like the shoe fits. And that’s a big reason why we choose to stay in denial about it when the truth is glaring at us.

If we have never had any self identity or good self esteem, if that never developed in us then we will take the bargain store quick fix brand and make do. Not understanding that the more you take of it, the more it doesn’t work until it has the total adverse reaction of fixing anything. It’s fake. Not real. Counterfeit.

So whatever mirror they hold up, reflecting back to us regarding “who we are” is what we accept as the truth when we bargain here. Well, I love the initial charm and want more of that sugary sweet stuff, so yes, yes, fine, whatever. Just gimme more of that!! Sounds a big like a drug addict behavior, yes?

Then of course as time goes on that mirror only reflects back ugliness and hatred. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? Well of course – your abuser is!! No brainer.

They steal your personhood and we allow it so we have to swallow that one, own it and take it back by storm. It hurt while it was being stolen from you and it’s going to hurt taking it back. It’s work. You have to be about it. Longing for that one more “fix” is natural. You have to suffer through it unfortunately. It’s all a lie so you have to lay down boundaries for yourself that says – I’m absolutely sooo not going back to that poison and how in the world can I miss even one little thing of something that was so fake to begin with?

Right thoughts and actions – create right emotions. I keep saying this over and over again because – it’s absolutely true. You have laid deep ruts in your life, habitual ruts where you’ve driven your cart down all the time and now, you are laying crosswise ruts going vertical instead of horizontal and it’s very very bumpy and you long to just swing on over to the other tracks because it would be sooo much smoother there! Would it now?

Habits take time to make. What’s the rule, you have to do something 100 times before it becomes a habit? Something like that…. Just like we can’t continue to play in traffic and not get ran over eventually, such is the rule of thumb in all things. I know it’s somewhat addicting – all the adrenaline and the gambling that goes on. Gives us a rush, doesn’t it? Life when calm and peaceful seems weird and not normal. We’re addicting to drama/trauma. It was our “normal”. Just like a drug addict’s life is normal when they are slowly dying inside the vicious cycle. That’s normal to them, they miss it when it’s not happening.

So c’mon ladies. Get a very clear clear and precise picture of what’s going on here because your will power and your dedication to a life free of this is the only thing that will power your engine. It’s there. I see it in you guys and one little drop of your “directed intention” is really quite potent but you’ve been allowing your abuser to use all that for himself and he’s just been drinking it from a straw and smiling about it, seeing you wilt all along. So I dunno, maybe realize the power you do have and start strengthening those muscles.

Do whatever you have to do, when feeling down and like omg, I want to go back to the poison, put on a video, have one handy – where you exercise, sing, shout, whatever to get your blood flowing or boiling as the case my be, put on a “how do I learn to box” video, get your body involved here. Don’t just wallow around in self pity and misery because what you put in is what you will get out.

Watch TED talks. Put in whatever subject matter you want to and listen to them. Great motivators on there. And btw, just so we can put this one to rest, this total lie……..you really don’t have the power to turn him into anything. That would give your magic wand some serious serious voltage that you really don’t have. He was already this person long before you guys laid eyes on each other. You assigning yourself this power is the problem. You have a need to “be” not only the victim here but also the villan. What’s up with that one? Where did that initially come from in you? And I’m talking wayyyy before him. Because in as much as you fit a need of his, to basically feed upon, you need to be the bad guy as well. Might be something to ponder..

[ineedsomeadviseplease]

That was a very very wise reply. I am working on my past and to understand where this all come from

The need to be perfect and to help everyone around me. My lack of self esteem and love. And also to understand that being an empath is not a flaw. That I am right to be as I am and I should love myself instead of letting him control me inside out calling me weak or too emotional and crazy

I did have this feeling like I am the one to blame, but you’re right. We can’t turn anyone into anything

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

[Anonymous]

You are very welcome my lovely! Ah yes, I am an empath and a highly sensitive person as well (look that one up) plus I am whole brained or middle brained so just shake me up like a snow globe and call me the crazy lady anytime you like! LOL! I have to laugh because what else am I going to do? This is me, people can deal with or not. I am in this skin so I have no choice. Oh and throw in I am highly intuitive, too. Great, I get all this stimulus and information coming at me from all directions most of the time to the point of I actually wish I had multiple personalities so I could delegate! I do amuse myself here…..

Anywho…back to you, enough about me. You’re getting the hang of it! We’re evolving here. The peeling of the onion. Don’t hate it. Nothing worse than seeing/hearing a caterpillar sitting on the side of a branch cussing itself out verbally because it needs to evolve into a butterfly. Hate it when that happens. Quite sad actually. Oh wait! NO, they don’t do that, we do!!

Do know too that all the brilliant people that have ever been on planet earth, inventors, musicians, painters, leaders (no not the ones that lead by killing people…) all those people actually have a long history of failing. You can’t get to where they did and accomplish what they did without tons of failure. You have to fail to finally get it right. No thing regarding just add water and pop it in the microwave for us in that department. Doesn’t work like that. Doesn’t stop us for thinking it does however and beating ourselves up if it doesn’t. Wasted hours of our life doing so.

I’m quirky, you’re quirky. So what? That’s what makes us – who we are. It makes us “authentic”. May we learn how to accept that realness about ourselves with grace. Nothing worse than a woman who doesn’t. They walk through life looking like they could pass a kidney stone at any moment. Just read the face.

We have to learn how to be good warriors in this life. We gotta stop watching mindnumbing TV that says we just have to hunker down and study our navel some more because a fairy might come out and save us. Or, love the bad boy and we’ll be rewarded for it. That’s a good one.

We have to put our will to the plow. We have to resist and beat our wings against the side of our cocoon because if we don’t – there will be no butterfly.

After awhile you see people like these idiots in our lives that we think are so important and all we have to do is look in their general direction and they “understand” we are not to be messed with. You won’t need to bring out the book of things to say and how to defend yourself and all that. You just give them – the look. It’s called – Chi. But you have to develop it.

[ineedsomeadviseplease]

You are all the things I most admire. Also what I try to be myself but I am always afraid I am judging people by walking away if my instincts tell me something is wrong

I’ve been cheated so many times, but this situation I’m going through has hitting me hard.

I want to be the best version of me and I’m tired of being addicted to his hoovering. Waiting for him to find ways of contacting me and for any information about him. Because he treated me so bad and he has no recollection of it. Or pretends to.

I am tired of thinking about this all day( every day. Counting days as if I was in jail because it is one more day NC but my head is all over the place

I just want to cry and sleep and forget about the past year with him and all the lies and manipulation.

Thank you for helping me and I see how you help a lot of people here.

It is so difficult to stay away from someone that is always pretending to finally understand and care for us, despite not doing that when we were there

[Anonymous]

I had a very bad relationship with my father. He was extremely abusive to me, to my stepmother, was very unfaithful, just a horrible man. When he was nice, he could be very nice, very charming, most people loved him, he was very attractive, very high I.Q. so there was always hope with me that he could change, might change, maybe it could be because of something I did because the thought had crossed my mind that maybe what happened to me was my fault. I knew deep down it wasn’t but that thought came and went. But the hope was there. That eternal hope. And I missed the father I loved before he started abusing me. I still remember that father that I thought I knew.

In my life I have looked at the men that I chose to be with and was very interested in and in love with and those men all have some very very similar qualities to my father. Put them all together and you have him. Especially this last one who I was with the longest. He was never physically violent with me because for one – he knew that would be a very very bad idea with me because of my past. I have a nasty temper when it comes to some things and someone even thinking about being physically abusive to me makes me someone they need to avoid. But he was very bright, well read and knew alot about manipulation. He needed someone to take care of him basically, while he did what he wanted to do. Lots of financial abuse. And all the things that he knew I loved and admired about my father – he actually was to me. He studied me, he listened. I always wanted my father to actually do something with his high I.Q. I wanted the same for this man. So he found a groove in my psyche where he could manipulate me.

I’m not sure what your relationship was like with your father. I do know that when we have early childhood trauma and/or neglect we do tend to be stunted in our emotional growth at the age it began. So our template in our brain that looks for a male in our life, might very well turn out to look alot like our father through a little girl’s eyes. Thus one of the reasons so many women don’t understand their own feelings and their own unrealistic need to fix them, to help them. They know something isn’t right about what they are doing but don’t know why it’s happening. This is actually one reason it can happen.

We try to go back and fix that old problem and win that old war and it’s not fixable and it’s not winnable. It was never our fault to begin with. Our hurt little girl sometimes thinks she needs to drive the car during this part of our life and she isn’t equipped to do that. I don’t know if this applies to you at all but thought I would mention it. It applies to alot of women and once a person understands what they are doing and why, it does help quite a bit. When I left my husband and realized all this it was sad for me. Sad for my little girl. But just like my father, this man would have destroyed me had I stayed. Our fathers imprint upon us just like our mothers do. But we can take it off, look at it and say – I don’t choose this anymore. I can let go of this now….

[Lifebegins]

Hi All,

I’m also going no contact. Enforced by the law. It’s actually been a blessing as it’s given me time to get my head clear without the relentless bombarding designed to hoover me back in.

Until not long ago, I didn’t know methods like ‘hoovering’ and ‘love bombing’ existed although I’ve experienced tons of both and tons of abuse. Now I’m educating myself, I’m starting to see the relationship for what it really was. So when I have a fleeting moment when I think back to something good, I correct myself and think he was just doing this to get round me or that to keep me, it wasn’t a genuine act from him. I also come on this forum and get a pep talk from the fab women who post here.

I was reading last night about n********ts and how they think and their motivations. It was very enlightening and resonated with me. When I read such stuff, it makes me glad to finally escape because the relationship as we see it is a total illusion.

I’m sure we will continue to have sad and regretful thoughts, less and less as time goes on and only for a second (hopefully) before we let our heads rule our hearts. We’re only human. Sometimes we need help keeping on track. Thank god we’ve got this forum to come to for that help x*x

[Anonymous]

I just put a thread up on Life After an Abusive Relationship that might help you guys…It’s called The Hook.

[Wiseafter]

Guys thank you so much for this post. I am in alot of pain still. It is early days for me. Reading these posts help me put my feelings of abandonment and loss and trauma in perspective and just acknowledge that is to be expected because of what I have been through and the intensity of my experience.

[Wiseafter]

By the way – “Nothing worse than seeing/hearing a caterpillar sitting on the side of a branch cussing itself out verbally because it needs to evolve into a butterfly. Hate it when that happens. Quite sad actually. Oh wait! NO, they don’t do that, we do!!” LOL!!!

[Anonymous]

Yup, we sure do don’t we? You’re doing well so you hang in there. It took time to get where you are and it takes time getting things sorted in your head and undoing all the spiderwebs. You have to get you back and you need to be patient and loving in that respect. Self love is huge here. Even a tiny bit of it means alot as far as your healing is concerned. And you’re here where we can love on you so that’s good, right? I got bandaids and chocolate and hugs!!!

[Author]

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