Missing him

[Mini@]

I left my partner around (removed by moderator) months ago now and he has made it really difficult to move on. It’s been a constant cycle between him begging for me to come back to shutting me out completely when I say no and explain my feelings. We are trying to co-parent and figuring out selling our house which has kept us tied together. He uses our child to get closer to me and it’s harder for me to stand by my boundaries in person because he completely ignores how I feel and continues to cuddle/kiss me and act as if we are still together. He has become more pushy in the last week after we spent the day together for (removed by moderator) and was kissing me and holding me and not letting me go asking me to come back over and over. This made me really uncomfortable and I said no and left. He then started to beg me to stay this weekend so we could talk and he could have our child stay over. I said no and he kept joking saying ok (removed by moderator) etc and I kept saying no. I eventually just said we should limit contact except for co-parenting and he didn’t take this well. He said he wants to completely remove me from his life except for our child. I’ve agreed and said I think it’s for the best but wish him well. I have a feeling the cycle will start again and he will attempt to beg for me back. Looking back at old photos and videos from last year with my son this morning and found it really difficult. Why is it all the good memories seem to come back after a break up? I tried to remind myself of the bad times too and now I just feel sad. Sad for how my life should be and isn’t and for our son too. It’s always been like there are two sides to him and he’s just misunderstood. I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that he is an abuser and it’s made leaving easier but when I see his hurt side it makes me question everything all over again. I hate hurting him too. I just needed to come on here to vent and get it all out. Feels like I’m dealing with this all on my own sometimes.

[Grey Rock]

Bless you. This is all normal at thus stage with the lovebombing / hoovering and you going through a grieving process while you cone to terms with the loss of hope that he can be reliable and consistent of his treatment of you and that the abuse is always circular and doesn’t actually stop

I found the Dr Ramani YouTube videos very useful in understanding the cycle of abuse and the tactics used to get us to go back when we leave (and prepare myself practically and emotionally to withstand the barrage of c**p that would cone my way in the s**t-show that followed my escape). Out of the FOG is a very useful book for understanding the Fear, Obligation and Guilt that keeps us feeling that we want to / should go back or give more chances. Also Womens Aid counseling and the Freedom Program.

Trust your gut. You know it will just lead to more abuse if you go back. Having a wobble is perfectly normal and happens to most of us, especially initially. Things that helped me were…

Remembering HALT. Hungry Angry Lonely and Tired. These are all emotionally triggering so it helped me to plan each day thinking how I could avoid these building up and putting me in danger of self sabotage.

Writing a list of how the relationship made my life unmanageable. How it affected me financially. How I list my freedom. How it affected my self respect and confidence. How it affected my other valued relationships with friends and family. How it affected my job. It was a long and bleak list which I kept in my purse to remind me if I started to forget (strangely easy when they’re sobbing on the phone or threatening suicide).

You can do this. Stay focused and take care. Things will get easier.
It’s not easy, but neither is living with them. All the effort and pain will be worth it to get your life and self back.

GR x

[Mini@]

Thank you so much for your reply. This has been really helpful and I will definitely look into the info you recommended. I took a few days off work and feel better for taking some time to myself to process things and look after myself a bit. Taking it one day at a time but I know I can’t go back.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply ❤️

[Cosmicasca]

They don’t change. Mine has recently gaslit me again and the feelings of cognitive dissonance were awful. The two sides thing 100%, I have felt the same way about him. It’s weird how they invoke such similar feelings in so many of us, it’s like they come out of a factory somewhere.
Hang on in there, just wanted to let you know I’ve felt the same way and he still hasn’t changed in a number of years. I realised he was did similar stuff at the start too. Much love x

[Author]

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