Missing him

[Hereforclarity]

Just wanted to write this somewhere as I can’t say this out loud to anyone I know without getting concern or judgement in return.

I’ve found myself really craving his company and missing the “good parts” to the relationship. I was so invested, attached and when not in the lows feeling those intense highs with him.

I know I don’t want to be with him and the reality is that it was a horrible experience overall… he seems to have finally stopped harassing me after years of on/off again sucking me back in. It’s the first month of “peace” I’ve had over that period and I can’t explain why it feels empty? I absolutely don’t wish he was trying to contact me… but there’s something in me that feels loss and deep sadness at the nothingness after all that distress and intensity.

It’s been a while since it ended so I tried to start dating someone new and felt so triggered and scared to be vulnerable I’ve had to stop. He seemed great but it’s been too difficult to even tell him that out of fear of getting too close to someone else.I’m still on the waiting list for therapy… and just wanting to feel more myself. I have those days sometimes where I realise I haven’t thought about what happened for a few hours at a time and that is definitely progress… I just wanted to share these thoughts and extend warm wishes to all the women here going through something similar.

[Eyesopening]

I know how you feel, but I have heard you can only really start healing once you go no contact. When your in contact your still getting those highs and lows, your still in the throws of the trauma bond. You are missing him now as your not getting your ‘fix’ from him. Your in withdrawal. Keep no contact going and you will be free of him. It does take time and it’s like fighting with your biology, but here we need to keep our focus and minds in control. Not the addiction.
X*x

[Hereforclarity]

Thank you for your reply. It’s good to remember there’s this addiction element to healing too.
It’s such a silent struggle when most people aren’t very familiar with how it all works, so thank you for responding.
This forum always makes me feel less alone x

[Bananaboat]

That hit home – when you’re in contact you’re still addicted to the highs/lows. You’re right!! I can’t go no contact due to a child but I definitely feels these which contribute to missing him at times.

I think our brains also trick us into remembering the good so when I’m out somewhere and feeling a bit anxious or lonely, in kicks the ‘I miss him’ and I wonder if you’re having a bit of that too. It’s not so much we miss them but our instincts crave company and safety.

Eitherway it’s ok to miss the good times and the what could/should’ve been, the important bit is to not act on it as he’s not changed and the bad did happen.x

[Hereforclarity]

I’m sorry you’re situation is complex and you’re having to stay in touch.
It’s so difficult to stay in a strong head space all the time isn’t it?
Sometimes I think there’s a loss in not being able to just grieve a relationship “normally” for a lack of a better phrase? There’s a beauty and a freedom in feeling like you miss someone or relationship you had, being able to part ways with love and respect, keeping someone close to your heart knowing that your life was better because they were in it for a while…
Whenever my mind wanders and wishes for that kind of ending with him – I get that simultaneously pang of shame, sadness and guilt for wanting that? Or even missing parts of him/the relationship.
I guess that’s just wanting what “should” have been like you say.

You’re right that these moments always come up in lonelier times. The guy I tried to date for a little while just broke things off with me (detail removed by Moderator) can’t say it’s a surprise when I’m so closed off and scared of being vulnerable again – but wow it’s hard after coming out of an abusive relationship to put faith in it all.

I hope you can find some peace amongst all the ups and down soon x

[Alicenotichains]

Hereforclarity, if you can sit the feelings out, without acting on them that is your way out of this. They will get easier. Like craving for a cigarettes when you are trying to give up. Call it urge surfing…I read somewhere that the PTSD flashbacks from domestic abuse can often take the form of intrusive memories of the “good times”. I think lots of people will be able to relate to this. I found these cravings to be the hardest part of the process. My new, happy life only began when I went total cold turkey, I went through the pain of withdrawal and then it cleared and my new life began. This is so hard. I think it’s called cognitive dissonance. Good luck and warmest wishes to you X

[Alicenotichains]

I would also add, that in addition to the perpetrators often isolating you from your support network during the relationship , these thoughts that we have after we have left, alienate us further from other people, because when you have got out, other people kind of think it’s over, but then we are deluged with these unexpected cravings… however when you say to a supportive friend, “I really miss the guy who beat me up, or destroyed me emotionally” they look at you like you have gone nuts. So you learn not to share these thoughts and you become more alone. At the darkest point, when I was out of the relationship so far as everyone else was concerned but then resumed secret contact with the guy and lied about it to others- just to stop the cravings which was some of the deepest pain I have ever felt- I even felt he had isolated me from myself. Like I was split in two. I told bare faced lies to the people who loved me and then I felt more ashamed.

The power of these cravings is not to be underestimated. I realise now that they are probably more evidence that you are a victim of abuse which has affected you to the point your brain thinks in a different way.
I don’t think this is understood enough by support services , the impact of the psychological aftermath and how much it takes to get though it. X

[Eyesopening]

That’s really well put alicenotichains..so true that we continue to be isolated in this suffering even after the relationship..
I am doing Freedom program, I expected to really be able to talk about this part there. But the women seem to have different experiences, not totally no contact so the abuse has continued due to children. So even there I was quite alone in saying I missed him.
It does feel wrong, like deep withdrawals, like we have no power over this.
I have been no contact for quite a while. It gets easier and easier. Time truly does heal. But first i had to heal my ptsd, then comes the true healing. I don’t think we can heal when we also have unresolved trauma going on.
Xx

[Sunshinesoon]

I can totally relate to this. The feelings of feeling empty as you say I almost feel like there’s a body part missing. And yet I don’t want it back ever, it’s still missing and I just don’t feel whole without it. I’m praying for all of us, that we can find a way through this. I’m having a total loss of identity, struggling to understand who I am without him when I spent soo long modifying my behaviour to suit.
I hope today has been a better day for you xx

[Hopefulgreyrock]

I feel you. I think it truly takes years to get over this. If at all ever actually. We are just so lucky we have this platform because as amazing as loved ones and friends can be unkess you’ve gone through it you really don’t understand the depths to this abuse and the consequences and depth of the impact on your mind, body and soul.

I haven’t started dating yet. Not sure when I cannot will. Doing a lot of healing work on myself etc but i can onky imagine I won’t believe or I will question what they are saying. I dont know it’s just a mess isn’t it. But I am at a place now wherr I know it needed to happen for some reason. But I still check his social, even though it is private. It’s like i still check it and I don’t know why. Still a slight bit of addiction there. I haven’t fully let go. Even though I went no contact nearly a year ago now. And hsve reported him and not repsonded to any attempts of contact from him. I’ve felt unsafe in my body, my home because of that man. I dont know, like I said before it’s very messed up and intricate isn’t it. But yes, grateful we have this forum. That’s how I feel now. I ahvent been on since it happened actually, the no contact moment. So thankyou for anyone who may read and thanmyou to anyone who I read. X

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