Missing him badly

[Apple pie]

I have just left the relationship. It was very abusive. Mentally… verbally, physically. He is a text book abuser. Jealous, controlling, changeable. I am a text book victim, anxious, eggshell walking, apologetic, and besotted. I have terrible Stockholm Syndrome.

I decided to leave after a night where we werent together, because he had rejected me over a tiny misdemeanour of mine, and through which he bullied and taunted me and made me change my plans and drop everything. He focused in on sexual taunts which he knew would really upset me and have an effect. Graphic stuff about my body. Comparing my body unfavourably to other women, including his exes and my best friend.

But… of course now he is sad, bewildered and missing ‘us’. He feels like the victim. He mourns the loss of all our plans and hopes and dreams. He misses being close and being cared for.

I do too. I am craving him. Wishing I could just go back and be with him. Longing to make plans with him.

Its ridiculously hard to be tough. I normally see him half the week and the other half I have my children (he isnt allowed to have contact with them due to past violence.) I will have to be super strong this weekend and not visit.

My friends are being wonderful but of course they cant understand how much I love and grieve for him. They dont really know him. They only know what I have told them occasionally when things have been so bad I have defied his wishes and talked to them. They are relieved I am leaving as they have been sick with worry about me.

Is anyone at the moment at this stage? Where you remember the horrible nasty pain of being abused, controlled and monitored all day and night, never relaxing. And yet also hurting with the pain of missing them.

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

I feel your pain. It’s the weekends that really get to me. I’m sat here crying even writing this. I’m fine the whole week and as soon as Friday hits I’m back to square one. I really try to think of the bad but I just can’t seem to find it. I feel like I’ve made a mistake but friends and family reassure me that I haven’t but like you say they don’t know the real him. I think of him going out meeting other woman and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I’m currently pregnant too and all I want is for him to love and look after me but I know it will never work like that. Stay strong hun, your not alone trust me but these feelings will pass in time! Time is a fantastic healer. You will kick yourself if you go back cos then you have to start all over again and image how controlling and possessive he would be then? It would be hell! ! Try and keep busy and maybe right down all the negatives about him so it’s on paper!! Keep posting! Xx

[Suntree]

You need time to grieve.
Your body needs to readjust just as if it was having nicotine withdrawals.
no contact is the best way and that includes social media.
then you have to start replacing what you used to do together and empty spaces with something good for you.
Find something that you wanted to do but couldn’t because you were with him.
join a course, learn a new hobby.
You will get there.
Do you honestly want to go back to a man who your kids can’t see because he has a violent past. they don’t change, the get worse and better at hiding things.

[danicali]

(detail removed by Moderator)

ultimately, it’s up to you. you can stay with him, knowing that he won’t change and that he’s a liability to you and your kids, and you will have lots of days spent upset because of his behaviour, or you can leave him and try to find someone who doesn’t treat you this way, someone who makes you… smile, someone your kids can see and someone they like.. x

[Alicenotichains]

It’s hard and it’s sound like you are up against it emotions wise by keep going.

I have read through some of the responses to your message and there is one that sticks out as being a bit judgemental. I think it’s important that on this forum we don’t blame or judge each other. This is not why most of us come here- when you are still in one of these toxic relationships there are enough friends and family members who will happily criticise, judge and blame us for our choices which make no sense to the outside world. You don’t enter into one of these relationships with high self esteem, there is addictive logic at work- we have all made irrational choices and sometimes you are so brow beaten and brainwashed that your priorities get a bit skewed.
Sometimes we make the wrong decisions because we have been so badly abused. Let’s only support each other. X

[Anonymous]

Hi there apple pie i know how u feel. Im missing mine in a strange way but the lies hes told and the women hes spoken to on social media make it very difficult to ever go back. Hes humiliated me i can never trust him again.(detail removed by Moderator) is numerous amount of messages of him demanding money for the garden he did. I had just under (detail removed by Moderator) in less than (detail removed by Moderator) hrs. I still feel something though so know how u feel x

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Unfortunately when someone thinks they are in a loving relationship but in fact it’s abusive then sometimes you bypass all the awful things that, that person has done even when it involves children. If it was so easy to leave because of violence towards children then wouldn’t the world be a better place? Some people are too quick to judge and personally you can never say what you would do if you have never experienced that situation or instead of judging and potentially making someone feel worse give advice and show them how. Chin up apple pie your stronger then you think x

[Apple pie]

Thanks so much all of you.
It really helps to have your empathy and support.
I was so close to crumbling earlier and agreeing to see him at the weekend. Then we had a video chat… And he had a go at me for wearing a low cut top. If that’s not a sign to stay away i don’t know what is. I am almost relieved. It’s much easier to be strong when he is unreasonable.

[Alicenotichains]

Hi Apple Pie,
I agree it’s so much easier to see the situation as it is when they are being horrid. It’s the nice behaviour that addles my brain. I am in a similar situation to you with kids being banned from see in him. I am working on ending things but finding it hard. I read past texts from him last night, they were from last year- they were pleasant and loving. I thought to myself- he’s not that bad. Then I kept scrolling and I came to some really abusive texts where he calls me a c@*t and a f*****g t**t for telling his family that he was violent. I had forgotten about these texts. They bought back what he can be like. I used to think he couldn’t help it due to his anxiety and depression. I now see him as an abuser. Well done for ending it with him. You have done the right thing x*x

[Apple pie]

Thanks for the total empathy.
Hope you are ok too x*x

I am crumbling all over the place. Just aiming to get through the weekend.It’s mothers’ day and i am supposed to be working. Instead i am bogged down by misery and having to fight the urge to agree to go and see him.

[Nova]

Omg Applepie…I feel for you, just take one step at a time..keep posting

Big hugs

Cx

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