Missing him

[Rosie]

This is utterly ridiculous but I miss him. I keep expecting him there. I miss are silly chats over daft things and laughing. I miss curling up on the sofa with him and miss falling asleep with him.
I miss the morning brew he made me, and hugs when I came downstairs
I keep expecting to see him in the house, I’d freak if I did.
I want my life back…
I have to keep reminding myself he nearly killed me and I survived and he would do it again if he got the chance.
I hate myself for missing him. I’m disgusted with myself.
I love and still love him and am in love with him. It was so out of the blue and that’s I guess what hurts.
I can’t stop crying. And I feel betrayed by myself.
I feel so low and don’t know how to deal with all this.

[Anonymous]

Hi Rosie

I am so sorry that you have to deal with all these emotions. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but unfortunately no words will ever heal what you feel.

I do think that you are going to miss him, it is extremely difficult to move on, but one day you will look back and not understand why you ever missed him.

Abusers never change and they never will either. I am just glad you got out in time and now you have to rebuild your life and live the life you enjoy

I hope you feel better

xox

[Anonymous]

It is not ridiculous to miss him at all. I think it is a normal part of getting over what happened. Even the most awful relationships leave behind memories of a better time and little reminders will creep in and you will miss that. You have absolutely nothing to be disgusted with yourself for, you are not superhuman you cannot just switch off your emotions. Give yourself time and please don’t beat yourself up it is early days and you have a lot to work through. Sending you hugs xx

[godschild]

Hi Rosie this is totally normal , most women on here whatever has happened miss their abusers initially, there may have been good times, we beleive that these times are true and nice , yo are not disgusting all, its very very normal, yo will miss these things and have to work through them, be kind to yourself and accept that these feelings are normal, take care xxxxx

[Healthyarchive]

I understand, I feel that sometimes too. Not 100% sure sure it’s him or just someone to cuddle,talk to etc.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Rosie, one book which is helping me to understand why this is is called N********t Free by Zari Ballad, it’s very cheap to get on amazon X

[Healthyarchive]

I know where you are at Rosie, some days I think of my ex ,feel sad, In love & want to tell him, it feels as though my heart is broken. I do not fully understand why I feel this,most of the time we were together he irritated me & we didn’t have loads of happy times. Zari Ballad explain the psychology of this very well.

[Ayanna]

I was like this after the tried to kill me for the first time and I took him back.
Then he attacked me again a few months later and then I realised in a split second that this could be the final end of my life. I escaped and from that second on I never missed him again, not even once. Something died so permanently in me that it is impossible to get any feeling back.

Do not become weak because you could not survive another attack. Love your life and see him as the monster that he is. x*x

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Rosie, I have thought over the last couple of days about what he and I had that was actually great and what It is that I love and miss, really analayzing. There is a good book about this, it lists specifics about the personality and relationship and a lot of the time what you actually miss and things that anybody could provide rather than him as a person. The book is called ‘How to Mend a Broken Heart by Christine Webber. I have thought and what he and I had, we had some really holidays together, great sex, some nice cuddles and being welcomed into his family. All of our lovely holidays I was the one that made them happen, if it had not been for me doing 100% we would not have had those holidays. So i would have been left with great sex, the feeling that i’m part of a couple, being able to say to people i’m in a relationship, someone coming to my house 2 or 3 times a week to talk (he was gaslighting me at this point). Its really not a lot. It helps if you think in these black & white terms. It was me that kept our relationship alive. XXXXX

[hoodwinked]

Dear Healthyarchive, we have so much in common and I feel so much for Rosie, I have sat here all day listening to music and crying…..and I think you are right, it is necessary to look at what they actually gave us….like you it was me who planned nights out, weekends away, holidays etc and he used to say “what does it matter who books it” so how did he ever show that he actually went out of his way to do something nice for me….well I can’t remember many apart from the odd cup of tea, but of course he washed the dishes and mowed the lawn so he kept reminding me!! I gave in again this afternoon and phoned him in tears, my choice was do I want him and him still do the things he is doing or do I want us to part…..either way the outcome isn’t very nice is it…..it seems like he is getting all the support….he told his mum and family today, but only said we have split up not the reason why and apparently they don’t want to know the reason why……so I am here in bits and he is smelling of roses!!! So yes I agree we have to look at black and white but it is so so hard especially in these early days. xxxx

[Rosie]

I miss the person I thought he was. The person who made a brew each morning for me. Who looked after me, seems for his own benefit though.
The stuff I’ve found out. I’m so glad he’s out my life.
I know eventually he will kill me, so I will not have him back in my life.
I wish he wasn’t the evil monster I saw.
Just wish he could hug me right now and tell me he’s sorry. But then I’m glad he’s gone and so confused.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Rosie & Hookwinked, at the moment both of you (I think, sorry) are very new out of the relationship, very new. I am (removed by moderator) months out, we were only together for (removed by moderator) years and were not married or living together, nor were any kids involved. That said I feel that he were the only person that I have ever felt so close to in all of my life, on reflection this was due to his gas lighting, manipluation tactics, intermittent reinforcement and all of the other covert abusive mind games that that he was using on me. I felt that he had got so far into my psyche, i let him right into my life, mind, home, finances, secrets and dreams. In the really early days (i guess i’m still in the early days in the bigger scheme of things), but in the really early days, i.e the week after you split, the emotions and thoughts that you have are so extreme and unreal. At this point i found these books and they helped me tenfold to understand what had been happening to me: 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships, and all books (there are about 20 short reads) by HG Tudor. All of these books are immediately available and free to read on Amazon. Dear Hoodwinked, i’ve had a number of dodgy relationships in my time and I have always asked myself whether we have the basics of a decent relationship that can be worked at and fixed. If there were serious things like I feel frightened and uneasy, i didn’t trust him, he does not talk about problems, he is unfaithful, i would look towards ending the relationship. Things like him peeing me off as he does not put the toilet seat down but i love spending time with him is something of a different category and can be sorted out. But saying I would end it and actually doing it cleanly and quickly is a different thing. It is not easy to end this type of relationship sometimes and your normally being love bombed and feel emotionally tied or trapped. But i have always ended it eventually. Maybe you need to be honest and ask yourself if you can honestly tolerate and be happy with what he is offering, only you know that. It is really not easy making the break, the overwhelming emotions together with something he is doing or not doing sometimes draws you like a magnet back to him. In my case my ex found out what my Achilles heel is during the time that we were together, my most horrible weakness and I believe that he has used this during the time we parted to control me. His ending it together with his silence since, I view as abandonment and rejection the things that I fear the most, he has twisted the knife by doing these things. But i’m now (removed by moderator) months out and I have happy days, sometimes i smile, people have told me that i look happy. I feel positive about my future and love spending days at home relaxing. There is so much help available now for women experiencing abuse, You Tube and Amazon have loads, as well as you having full reign to off load on here. Lots of love to you both, from HA. XXXXX

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