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hi maryanne here i am so scared of life without my husband he was so lovely at first then he turned on me on day and i had to get the police to charge him my family were horrified at his level of abuse and i am so scared of him now yet i cant stop worrying if he is ok and and i want back what i had before it happened i know i cant as it never existed or did it? im so confused and upset he had a history i found out through claires law i had a disclosure done but why was he so loving for over (detail removed by Moderator) i was so happy with him i married him and thought i would spend my life with him i am devastated the police say they know him and have given me alarms ect yet i still cant get him ut of my mind
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Hi Maryanne,
Sometimes it takes time for an abuser to show their abusive, controlling side. They know we would run or consider leaving if we saw repeated ugly behaviour from them in the early stages of our relationship, so sometimes it takes years before they start doing things or behaving in ways that are hurtful enough for us to recognize them as abusive. Do not beat up on yourself for not knowing before your husband was abusive. Healing from the hurtful things they do also takes time, and we loved them so don’t be hard on yourself for thinking of him constantly right now, or worrying about him. It does get easier with time and no contact. Have you gone no contact with him as yet? -
Google trauma bonding. Ring the helpline on here and get in touch with your local women’s aid. Abusers wear a mask to keep us hooked in. Underneath they are nasty selfish controlling individuals. It’s a painful journey but you will get there. There is a cycle of abuse that goes on, it’s worth reading about that too. Make sure you stay away from him. They are most dangerous when they lose control. Stay safe. X
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i have no contact as he has special bail conditions that prevents him from coming on to the street or contacting me he has already broken these (detail removed by Moderator)
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i agree that they are at their most dangerous when they lose control thats exactly what happened to me he thought i would back down and let him push my family away but i stood up to him and he lost control of me he then just flipped and gave me an awful kicking i thought he was going to kill me as most of the kicks were to my head and face x
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i still love him i dont know how to stop loving him he was so nice most of the time and great company to be with i miss that i hate being on my own x
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i am having an awful wobble over having him charged i feel like i want to drop the charges i feel sorry for him he will go to prison for what he did to me my hearts breaking i dont know what to do help
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Hi Maryanne,
Unfortunately they are all like this, both ‘nice’ and abusive, it is called the mean-sweet cycle. They do it because we’d never stay if we they were abusive all the time, it is all part of the cycle of abuse.
It is incredibly painful at first but if you can just keep going it gets better. It takes women an average of 7 times to leave an abuser and all regret returning so if you can just stick it out you will heal faster and the pain and loneliness will subside. I am on my own too and I know how hard it is, but it is infinitely better than being with someone who lies, cheats and hurts us mentally and emotionally.
Can you make some plans for nice things to do to treat yourself? If you can start thinking of yourself it will help shift your focus. I wouldn’t advise dropping the charges, he was obviously charged because he did something criminal. Let the police deal with that and keep yourself safe. Ring the helpline for support and keep posting on here.
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It sounds like mine, though mine lasted longer and had children involved, which made it all extremely painful and layered. I don’t know what yours has done to you and I don’t know if I should contact the police, because there was no physical abuse in my case, just very deranged behaviour. It does help to hear others tell us what these persons are. If the police tells you something, I think sooner or later it will sink from your ears to your heart.
I am thinking that I went to my GP, not to the police, because I was extremely upset. The GP is the same, since we lived together. when I explained what had happened to the GP, the GP took notes. Then the GP said that he clearly had mental issues, and was unpredictable and therefore I had to have no contact with him. The GP also said: “who knows what he is taking?”. Lately my ex (who has never been a heavy drinker but would have the usual pint or glass of wine with the dinner) had stopped drinking altogether, saying he didn’t fancy a pint any more. So I am wondering whether the GP may have wanted to give me some information in a way that would not breach confidentiality. I am not sure how GP systems work, but since they know my address, they would know who lives there since we were all registered at the same GP. I treasure this information, and it does eventually make a difference. I say to you and to myself, let’s try to hold on to what others tell us about our exes.
Mine was also the most loving, committed, caring partner I could ever hope for. Marriage was coming, plans to have kids, the most loving words one person could hope for, love letters. It seems absurd one could make up all this as a lie. Perhaps they are not lies. Perhaps they do really love us but there is something else inside them that leads them to then orchestrate egregious forms of destruction. But we cannot understand, we are not in their minds. We need to stick to the facts, to the reality of what has happened to us and what others who know about them tell us. X-
sorry to hear that you are on your own too, it is lonely i have family and friends around but i miss the special closeness of my husband i grieve for the life i thought i would have with him all the plans we made for our future i know he was happy with me and i was happy too, we were married not long when he battered me badly i am so scared of him now he only did it once but it was bad and i have since found out he has done it before with other wives i didnt know about his past he hid it well and i believed all he told me, i dont know if i could ever trust my own judgement again. i dont want him to go through going to jail but i guess its for the best it feels like its all been taken out of my hands he has been in jail before i guess it was for the same thing but i ant get details only that he has convictions for violent crimes
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it sounds like reading between the lines that your doctor may think a substance abuse could be a cause for his strange behaviour towards you. mabybe they do love us i think so and thats why my heart breaks for my husband x
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Hi I’m new to this forum. Not sure where to start. I also miss my ex. I don’t know why, but I do. I left his house (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. I couldnt bear the kids hearing him shout, verbally abuse me me, me crying and the physical violence which was getting worse. I had started to lash out and throw things cos I couldn’t stand the continuous verbal assaults. He would repeat that I was an awful, awful woman and not right in the head, selfish etc etc every day. I’m not justifying it but I knew I had to leave. We then slept together for the next (detail removed by Moderator) and have just stopped (detail removed by Moderator) months ago after he kept telling me he didn’t ever want a relationship but he could offer me sex. He said I would never change and I would always go on about the past and put him down. If I just talk about how I feel about something that’s upset me its always me putting him Down. Apparently I ruined his life, I destroy everything, hes a shadow of himself after meeting me, I’ve knocked any love he had out of him, what do I want from him when I just give him grief. He will then text next day as if nothing happened to see our daughter!!! If I don’t reply or let him have her he will call me controlling and abusive. My head was such a mess, I doubted myself, my own thoughts and opinions cos he would tell me I was wrong and paranoid and jealous. We split up over his ex. He would tell me everything was in my head and I should trust him. Im not allowed to question him. I still feel like its all my fault. He said I was selfish and contrling and wanted everything my own way when actually I just didn’t like the way his ex interfered but she said they were a family and he agreed and I was now part of their family but I had to do as they both wanted or I got called selfish. I felt that he supported her. He said I was paranoid. Maybe I was. I felt so insecure. I started to say he didn’t love me and that we should leave, so I did. Then he hated me for that. Now he says he’s met someone and I’m really cut up. I shouldn’t be but I am. Its thought of him being nice like I know he can be and intimate with her. Need help to stop feeling like I need him. If I contact him he’s fine one minute as long as I talk when he wants and get off phone when he says and I don’t talk about anything he doesn’t want to hear and other days he will say I’m harassing him and I’m dead to him, an awful woman and he will ring police if I contact him again. He would sleep with me then tell me to hive him space as he didn’t want to rush back in so I had to wait again until he said we could speak or I was harassing him….maybe it i s me. I’m not like that with anyone else. I’m quote normal !!!
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On Xmas I had said he cud have a certain time, he wanted another and so said he wouldn’t have our child. Then he rang and I had phone on silent. He said by text he wanted to talk to her. I was do upset that he had chosen drinking over seeing her and had abused me day begore verbally in the street I didn’t reply. I asked our child if wanted to call him and they said no or I wud have given them phone. Then after that he shouting at me saying he rang to pick her up and I stopped access but his text only said he wanted to talk yo her. Now he is being awful saying I stopped him seek g his daughter and I’m a control freak but he didn’t text or leave voicemail to say that so how wud I know any different to what he said before. Now he’s saying Ive destroyed his life and I just go around destroying everything. That I will be alone for a very long time because of the person I am
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hi Christine you have been through an awful time, Christmas always makes things seem worse, i think your ex is very selfish and why would he have stayed with you if he thinks you are so bad? that doesnt make sense to me he is using you he knows how much you want him and he is playing on that you need to be strong dont let him use you for sex that is letting yourself down and giving him the wrong signals as for the ex girlfriend it would be unacceptable to me to put up with an ex interfering i couldnt stand for that you have been behaving the best you could under the circumstances which are not good,you will need be happy with yourself and a confident individual before you should start another relationship you sound like you are in a bad place at the moment i would suggest drawing a line under this and giving yourself time to heal. maybe get a go between to make the arrangements for access to the kids? someone you both trust hope things start getting better soon and dont be too hard on yourself we all have bad days x
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Hi Maryanne, thanks for your reply. There is so much more that’s happened. I got pregnant to him again and before i could come to terms with this as it was a shock, a so called friend told me I would be crazy and stupid to have my baby. Id be mental and think i was better than other people to keep my child. Then another so called friend agreed. Because I had suffered years of abuse I didn’t trust myself and thought they knew better than me. I was directed to Marie stopes by this ‘friend’ and i asked for counselling but they were directive and only spoke about what was biggest loss And not what keeping my baby would bring. They called my child a feotus and not a baby which messed with my head. I was a wreck. My dv group leader told me not to Tell him and to pretend I had a miscarriage. I was told it would all be on me and how would I cope. I’ve had depression in past and was told social care would take my kids. All sorts of things u wouldnt imagine, all putting me down as a mother and woman. After three attempts and saying I didn’t know what I was doing I had a termination. One so called friend came with me on first appointment and when I said I would cope she turned and told me otherwise. I now realise I had controlling relationship all around me cos I thought it was normal. 2 Years later and I’m still having counseling around my child as it affected me so deeply. I wanted to kill myself afterwards. It was not a decision I came to in my own mind. I shouldn’t have been treated I was in such a mess and they don’t ask questions at the clinic. I dont think they have much safeguarding in place for women in abusive and coertcive relationships. So yes I am trying to sort my head out….its been a very difficult time to say the least. I do have better friends now though….
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What they are in love with is the control they have over us. The sense of power they get from us. From belittling us and eroding our self esteem. They don’t know real love. Real love does not harm, is not selfish. Hang in there. It will get better. No contact and please report any breaches of bail. It’s really important you do this as they can use this contact in their defence at court. They can secretly record or set you up. Please stay no contact.
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thats an awful lot of guilt to carry around inside you no wonder you are feeling so bad you cant change the past so let yourself grieve for your baby ,your friends have given you the wrong advice but they probably thought it was right at the time, you were vulnerable and should have had more support, have you had counselling? you need to talk this through with someone x
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i will stay no contact i am trying so hard i have a phone photo of the mess i was in after the assault, every time i feel i want him i look at that it worked to begin with but im getting used to looking at it x
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i dont know what faith you have if any but i think i would want to speak to my pastor about something like this x
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