Missing the little things

[endoftherainbow]

Iv been thinking about Christmas a lot, thinking back to good times, and bad. Im a bit worried about this Christmas, its going to be amazing as I will be with my family for the first time, but its my childs first without dad, I know its going to be hard even though they don’t have contact anymore.
Christmas was a big thing in our house, he went all out, even though no one ever came over, and was always over the top with gifts, normally his way of “buying” us. Im missing my things, I didn’t get anything back from my house when I left, he got rid of everything, im missing decorations and things the kids made, stuff like that. Im angry one minute, crying the next, and trying to hide it at the same time for my child. Trying to be so positive on the outside. So many memories destroyed, old tree baubles from my gran and mum, things that can never be replaced. If one more person says its only “things” I feel like I will scream, I want to say to them to walk out of their homes and leave everything behind and have to start again, see how they like it! I even miss my little potato knife that I had for years and was molded to the shape of my hands! daft I know, People don’t understand what its like, im trying to think of all the positives, but sometimes the memories sneak in,

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi endoftherainbow,

I can understand how you feel as I’m really attached to our old family Christmas decorations and they were some of the things I was most keen on saving when I moved out. I was also once mugged when I was travelling abroad and they took my passport, money, bank cards, all of my cherished pure handmade irreplaceable silver jewellery, camera with 3 months worth of travelling photos and a bag I absolutely loved that I bought on top of a mountain. I cried for hours every day for 2 whole weeks! I felt horrified and gutted at all I had lost and extremely angry.

However, something funny then happened. I had this epiphany that I was safe and well and that they didn’t hurt me and that I was free. I felt a sort of peace wash over me and felt much more relaxed, I suddenly understood the ‘hippy’ mindset and felt less uptight about my whole travelling experience which up to that point had really been stressing me out. I got a new passport and camera on my travel insurance, my friends bought me a wallet and clubbed together to get me a collection of photos of the trip that they had all took. They didn’t replace those I had lost, and I sort of mourned the bag and jewellery for years but I managed to replace most of it and years later I look back on the experienced as quite pivotal for me as it realigned my values – that our life and loved ones are much more important than anything else. I know it’s annoying saying it but there is a freedom in it too if that makes sense. Could you plan to do Christmas your way this year? You could start some new traditions. I know it’s not the same as old family decorations but each year I treat myself to 2-3 new special decorations and check out if the charity shops have any nice ones, I have found some lovely old vintage ones before for next to nothing. You could start a new collection for your child(ren) to cherish in future and look at it as a fresh start, whilst also allowing yourself to cry and mourn what you have lost, because it is a loss and it is incredibly painful. You are also mourning the loss of the relationship and your dreams of a future together. The new decorations can be beautiful and represent your newfound freedom and your future.

This year Christmas will be different for me too, as I am now living alone. But at the moment I’m actually looking forward to it, I put on some lovely choral Christmas music on today and am planning on buying a small, real tree to decorate, just for me and my cat! I am so glad I won’t have him coming round sniping about how much food I’ve eaten or it being cold or warm or too bright or too dark or whatever, and he won’t be able to hurt me by triangulating me with some women at work, ugh, it is extremely good to know I am free of his toxic presence.

I think Christmas will be challenging for all of us but that there will be special gems for us too and I expect everyone who has left will find Christmas more peaceful than with an abuser around.

[endoftherainbow]

Hello SunshineRainFlower, funny enough I started this afternoon, I bought a kids bauble decorating kit, and we have been painting them, my daughter wrote, “Christmas without fear” on hers which made me cry, we also did some funny ones too. Im trying to concentrate on the positives, Christmas was such a stressful time before, everything had to be perfect, carpets cleaned, curtains washed and the whole house was like something from a magazine, no one ever saw it though, we used to wait for him to pass out with drink before we enjoyed it. This year the only stress is can we fit everyone round the table! My positives outweigh the negatives, and it will certainly be more peaceful x*x

[Tiffany]

I think we can all understand how you feel endoftherainbow. I was really lucky in that I got almost everything out. It cost (in monetary terms) I basically bribed him into letting me get my stuff out – it wasn’t worth the several thousand pounds it cost me, but stuff does hold memories. On the other hand you are starting fresh, and there isn’t the stuff with all the memories there to remind you of Christmas with him. I am really struggling with Christmas this year. My ex hated Christmas and did all in his power to suck all joy from it for me, but somehow now I am alone I just can’t get into the spirit. I am not sure if I will manage to unpack my decorations this year, or if I will just skip them and see if next year is better. I think this will be a better Christmas for your kids than you can imagine, so try not to worry about it. Good luck with your new memories.

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