Mixed emotions

[PolarBear]

Hi there, I have had a look at some posts and I just want to say that I am shocked by the number of women who are suffering from these experiences and I empathize with, and admire you all.
I split up with my partner (detail removed by Moderator) months ago and I am starting to face up to the fact that I may have been emotionally manipulated but also my emotions yo yo all the time, sometimes I doubt my views and think I have made a mistake (because I still have feelings for him). I am really upset with the situation. I left my life in (detail removed by Moderator) before (detail removed by Moderator) to stay with family in (detail removed by Moderator) as it all became too much. Here are some of the issues that occurred during the (detail removed by Moderator) or so months we were together:
I am finding it hard to say these things so openly in a group but I will try:
I felt like it mainly a physical relationship for him. He had a high sex drive and at the start we had a lot of sex. At times early on, sometimes in the mornings before work I didn’t really feel like it but I did it anyway as I did enjoy it but looking back I think that was silly of me but assertive skills are something I really need to work on. There was a time I did say no to sex, but 5 minutes later he tried again, I think I just went with it (again I should have asserted myself). He was quite persistent. One time when I went over to his house to hang out and I think sex was brought up and I said i was on my period and he responded with ‘well what are you even doing here’ but then apologized straight away and gave me a kiss. He was quite controlling also, wanted to hold my hand in a certain way and one time early on in the relationship I was helping him clean up in the kitchen and picked up the wrong cloth and he shouted ‘not that one’, which I felt was an over reaction and this upset me as I have grown up being criticized by family members in the kitchen so quite sensitive in this area. He was also controlling in the car, sometimes if I started driving somewhere the route i would go, he would try to make me go the route he wanted. He would also do this while (detail removed by Moderator), wanting me to (detail removed by Moderator) the exact same way he did. There was a time while I was driving where he held my neck and moved my head from side to side and it felt like I was a doll to him, i felt like this a few times, where it felt as if he would just play with my body as he choose to. I did express this (that I felt like a doll) and he did stop the behaviour. Sometimes if we were lying on the sofa together and I wanted to get up to go to the toilet or something he would hold my shoulder for a couple of seconds to stop me before letting go. Not aggressively, just subtly. In the beginning i reacted quite strongly to this control and tried to demonstrate that we were equal. One morning I said no to sex, and later he asked me if he was the most handsome person in the world (I think he felt insecure because I didn’t want to have sex with him) and I said no (I felt bad about this but being egotistical isn’t a quality I admire too much in a person). Then later on that day in the car, he said in a nice tone ‘so you are no longer the single person in the group’ (We were friends before we got together and at that stage he had heard me say that I worry about being the only single in this particular group of friends). I said yes happily and he then changed his tone and said ‘not for long if you don’t buck up your ideas’. I reacted really strongly too this, and burst into tears at work the next day. I asked him to meet me and said I had been analysing our relationship and asked if he was happy and said that I wasn’t and brought up what he said in the car and first he denied saying it, but when I challenged him he then said ‘no one breaks up with someone in a car’ in a condescending manner. As i haven’t been in many relationships I took this view on and apologised to him. We went for a walk and he opened up with me for the first time which i was happy about at the time (he didn’t talk much early on in the relationship). He told me he was struggling sometimes and had sometimes gone to work in his van but just sat there. He struggles with depression. I asked him what he thought the causes were and he said he was last depressed when he was stressed with his course and when he thought his last girlfriend was leaving him. This really affected me, as I knew he was stressed about work and also I felt like if things didn’t work out with us he would do something stupid. It was a really personal issue for me as my (detail removed by Moderator) tried to commit suicide when she was younger and my mum had told me this when I was quite young and I have cared for my mum who suffers with mental health and I also have anxiety and depression. From then on I worried about him so much and tried to get him to get help but sometimes he would be open about it and sometimes he would say he was fine. I helped him apply for a job (he broke down in tears at one point doing this and I reassured him it was ok to cry and he said it was the first time he had done it in (detail removed by Moderator) years. When I confided in a common friend about this he said look how much I am affecting him (in a good way) which kind of spurred me on to continue in the relationship. I tried to fix him, like i grew up trying to fix my mum, and I now know I can’t fix anyone else. I also got frustrated with the situation as I felt like at times he wasn’t trying to deal with it in a healthy way, I did try to persuade him to drink less (which i guess was controlling also) and got upset when he once took other drugs which I felt was really risky and would not help his mood. I was also struggling during this time as I was on the wrong medication (its now changed and I feel so much more myself) and he really was my anchor which is why I get so confused about us. One night I got really stressed and told him how much I worried about him, others and the world and he hugged me while I cried and cried (I still miss those hugs) which is why I get so conflicted about whether I have done the right thing in leaving him. There were other incidents, I found that if he was put down or teased in a group he would then put me down. When i brought it up he would say it was banter and not to take it so personally, something other common friends also said this so I started to feel it was all me and that i was being too sensitive. Sometimes he would lie on top of me, again, not in an aggressive way, subtly, but when he wanted something to go his way. Because i was so stressed from moving house and over analyzing the relationship, I didn’t have sex with him for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks and he brought it up and said he doesn’t know how much longer he could handle it and I started to cry, and then he said ‘but I do love you’. It was the contracting statements which really got to me, lovely one minute and then the opposite. It made me feel on edge. There was a time in the relationship where I was worrying I said to him ‘I wish I could stop my brain from analyzing and he responded with ‘I wish I could take it all away from you’ and I would melt (feel so loved) and then he said ‘Do you want a punch in the face?’. This happened (detail removed by Moderator) times in the relationship, twice when he was sober and the third time just before (detail removed by Moderator) when he was a little drunk and he held his fist in front of my face (this was at (detail removed by Moderator)). This last incident was what encouraged me to go away, but by that stage I felt low (signed off for stress at work, wrong medication, trapped by the situation) and dependent on him that I struggled to book the flight home and he helped me with this (which i feel guilty about also). There would be good periods between all of these times where he would be really lovely, he helped me move house, he cooked meat for me when he was a vegetarian etc etc. Breaking up with him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, I was so scared he would do something stupid, and I told him that and he assured me he wouldn’t. I was so relieved. I still worry about him but I know he has a good friendship group up there. I also feel angry at him and myself for getting into the relationship, and because I feel like my life has crumbled and I am so sensitive right now to family issues and control and critisism and even meeting up with friends was difficult at first, trusting people is difficult, has anyone else felt like this? My confidence and self esteem are also low (issues I struggled with before this relationship). I recently exited the whatsapp groups we are both in as I couldn’t handle seeing him and all our common friends interacting like nothing was wrong. I need space from it all. But he has text me a few days ago asking how I am getting on and I haven’t replied but i do get tempted. I think i will probably move back to (detail removed by Moderator) but I have to collect my car and my stuff from (detail removed by Moderator) including furniture and it all seems so stressful.

[puzzledatlife]

Hi, I can relate to some of the things you say. For me relationships, when I get attached, are never easy. I find it very difficult to accept what others do, if I disagree with these things, but at the same time find it equally difficult to put boundaries and leave. As in your example of your ex once taking drugs – it would be something that would hurt me and worry me a great deal, and something I would struggle very much with, but I would not have the courage to leave; I would stay and try to fix it. The result, in my experience, is that to some extent partners feel loved by me because they understand that my concern and attempts to make things better are well intended. However, they can also feel manipulated and controlled, and most of all, not “good enough”. It seems to me that you are in a very good place, because you were at least able to leave, and you did put some boundaries at things that were not ok for you, like him putting up a fist to your face – joking or not, you didnt like it and acted coherently with your feelings. If I were you I wouldn’t stress right now about moving all your stuff, if you can afford leaving this for a little while. If you decide to go, can your mom help you? You helped her by the sound of it, and maybe she may be happy to help you out now that you need it?

[Tiffany]

I wouldn’t talk to him about anything apart from the logistics of getting your stuff back. And you can do even that through a third party if it is easier. It sounds very much like he was physically and sexually abusive, and is likely to be more dangerous to you now you are leaving. Make sure you don’t meet him alone – or go to his place alone to pick up your stuff (I am guessing it is at his place). Even if he promises to be out. It’s hugely stressful, but gets much better once you have absolutely no contact with him. I am similar experience to yours with my ex. I was terribly worried about his mental health when I left. But it wasn’t worth sacrificing my mental health in the hopes that I could help him quicker than he could destroy me. Ultimately I think he was fine. Haven’t heard anything to the contrary, and we have enough mutual friends that someone would tell me. I have asked them not to keep me updated, but I am sure I would hear if anything awful happened to him. As far as I know he just started a new life. And as the no contact continues I recognize more and more that his ‘issues’ were used very much to keep me in line and to control me. They are still issues. But he didn’t actually want to solve them.

[PolarBear]

Thank you for your advice and comments Tiffany. I am glad to hear that things have improved with you with time. Reading your message helps me to feel less unsure and stay stronger and know I am not alone in all this. Its such a strange situation, sometimes I think I imagined it all and sometimes I feel like I am overreacting as I haven’t been hit so I am really lucky compared to others. I have not messaged him back and sometimes feel bad about this. I just wouldn’t know what to say. I have found it hard to be totally honest as I have been worried about hurting him and so I haven’t really gone through all the upsetting behaviour. I have written stuff but not sent it. I am collecting my car soon and I am really anxious about it but my friend is coming with me which is a huge relief. I am not sure whether to keep it secret or to let him know but say I don’t want to see him. I am worried if I see him, it will turf up old feelings and I am also frightened of him, but its so strange to have all these conflicting emotions. Something I am really struggling with is knowing how to stay in contact with common friends. I really miss them and wish I could have that life back and I normally have a really honest relationship with friends but I don’t want to taint their view of him so I am avoiding talking to them much (because I can’t trust that I won’t just blurt stuff out) which means I feel like I am losing touch and also I am not sure about meeting up with anyone as its a tight knit group and I don’t want to bump into him and I am only up there briefly because I am worried and also my friend needs to get back. I am also struggling to ask for help from friends there to jump start my car as I am not in much contact so feel a bit weird asking favours. Has anyone got any advice on how to best manage common friendships? Thanks a lot and Happy International Women’s Day. I hope it has been a good one

[Tiffany]

I just told my mutual friends that I was leaving because I was unhappy and he was controlling. Haven’t brought up the words abuse with any of them unless they have asked. I left while planning a wedding, so people knew it was serious I guess. But it actually ended up that our ‘mutual friends’ were almost all actually my friends. I dropped contact with his family and childhood friends, but although I didn’t plan it that way, everyone else seems to have sided with me and I feel totally safe around them. It maybe also helped that when I changed my number I had to tell everyone I gave it to not to share it for my safety. I guess that tells enough about where I am without having to go into details. I was worried about him losing friends when I initially left, but I am much less forgiving now I am out of his shadow and feel like if the price he pays for hurting me is losing friends as well as me, that it is a lesson he should learn.

Stay safe, stay strong, and change the locks!

[PolarBear]

Thank you for your message and advice puzzled. Its a lesson I need to learn I guess. Yes setting boundaries is something I have always struggled with, as well as resisting the urge not to fix others. Its such a hard thing to watch someone you care about suffer and not be able to stop them or help them get through it. I was more strong and my self at the start but then I started losing my sense of self and confidence, especially when I stopped working and had far too much time to think. I think my difficulties and self esteem issues probably stem from having a controlling dad and these old wounds were reopened. I reached such rock bottom in this that I was feeling like I didn’t want to be around anymore but I hope and think I have turned a corner, though now I have to set new boundaries with family members to avoid more hurt. Wishing you peace, strength and happiness on International Women’s Day

[PolarBear]

Thankfully its just my house, he doesn’t live there, but I still feel strange as a couple of times when I was living there I came home to find the back door ajar and have wondered if he might have done this to scare me but I am probably overthinking things. I will have to go up again to sort out moving larger stuff and will try and find someone else to help out as even though i feel like i am overreacting I really don’t feel comfortable doing it on my own.

[KIP.]

Change all the locks. Always trust your gut. Nothing is a coincidence with these men.

[starryeyed]

Hey PolarBear,

Some of the things you have mentioned resonate a lot with me and my situation with my ex.

I don’t think you were necessarily controlling about suggesting him limiting his drinking – I reckon your suggestion came from a place of care? I have felt similarly with my ex for example when he would drink drive, I would ask him not to because I was worried what may happen but he would ignore me or remind me that he could do what he wanted.

The punching comment is intimidating and almost like he is prepping you in a way for violence. This type of threat, it is horrible. My ex would also say conflicting comments about violence.

Similarities with the mental health stuff, being made to feel bad about sex or being coerced into it and there were similar sounding things about laying on me or sitting on me, felt in a way to prove how strong he was. Comments were always a joke as well, I was too sensitive or had lost my sense of humour.

I don’t know if you want to do this or feel like it is an option for you, but you could consider applying for Clare’s Law? I did this, and I would really recommend it.

Yes I second changing all your locks. I feel the same as you with thinking I’m overreacting and overthinking things, it is the hardest thing to get your head around. But really, your safety is the most important thing and the back door being left ajar is frankly, really unsettling.

Definitely take someone with you when you go to get any of your things. Stay safe x*x

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