Mixed Emotions

[Let there be light]

My abusive ex, the father to our son. I haven’t seen him in nearly a year. He was having supervised visitation and we were going through mediation. He started to upset the supervisor who in the end decided they didn’t want to do the visits anymore. So i tried to book another mediation session to discuss which route to take next. He refused, then he told me he’ll look into call centers, then quite a while later he told me he’s not well, now he’s telling me he has Cancer and wants to see our son.
Cancer is something I’ve seen. My mother had cancer, my auntie had cancer and my auntie had cancer. My aunt and pet are sadly no longer with his. My mum has been clear for several years now.
My ex knows all of this, he knows everything about me. My ex was emotionally abusive sometimes physical. My fears and anxieties are that he’s lying because he knows, how i feel about Cancer. He knows that i would never say no, he knows that i would call off all legal proceedings because i would never in a million years stoop so low as to kick someone down when they’re dealing with Cancer. I told him there is no one available to do the visitations and said he would be fine if i did them. He said he wouldn’t be mean to me anymore. I agreed to do a visitation. But I want to cancel. My very close circle of family and friends all think he’s lying and trying to pull on my heart strings because he knows how to.
But then i think to myself, but what if he’s telling the truth for once and does have Cancer.
Has anyone else ever experienced something like this?

[KIP.]

Yes my ex made big hints about him having cancer and also suicide. Very common control tactics. It’s telling that he wants you there with his son. If he was that determined he’d use another contact centre. Don’t listen to him. Also cancer is not the death sentence it was years ago. There’s a huge spectrum but cancer is a trigger word and he knows it.

[KIP.]

These men will do anything to regain control and hook a victim back in. They are liars with no moral compass. Protect you and your child from him.remember he knows you well and knows your weaknesses so zero contact is really important x

[ISOPeace]

Hi there, I honestly think that the odds of him having cancer are very low. It’s a huge coincidence that he has an illness that he knows you’re sensitive about and is using it to ask to ask to see your son with you present.

Even if it is true, why can’t he see your son through a contact centre? It’s very odd that he would be ok to not see your son for a year and then suddenly want to see him urgently, even if he has found out he has cancer.

It’s worrying that he behaved in such a way that the contact supervisor won’t do it any more. It shows that his priority is not maintaining contact with your son (as does not being in contact for a long time). It also suggests that he hasn’t changed since you were with him.

Please don’t believe him when he says he won’t be mean to you any more. All abusers say that. You just cannot trust these types of assurances. He will say whatever he thinks will get him what he wants. Did he use the words “won’t be mean to you any more”? Using the term “be mean” is a huge minimisation of abuse. It’s the kind of phrase I’d use with my kids. It doesn’t sounds like he’s any where near acknowledging that he was abusive towards you. Minimising it is part of convincing you that it wasn’t that bad, so you should go along with what he wants.

I would take the warnings of your friends/family seriously. Even friends/family tend to downplay abuse, so if they’re worried for you I am sure they have good reason.

Please don’t put yourself and your child at risk for anybody. Cancer (real or otherwise) is not a reason to put yourself and your child at risk. If he really wants to see your son and doesn’t have a sinister agenda, he will agree to arranging something through a contact centre. IF the cancer is real and he’s well enough to kick up a fuss, it’s unlikely that he’s so unwell that the visit needs to be urgent.

Maybe it would help to ask yourself a hypothetical question to think about what difference cancer makes: if you knew that he did have cancer but that he was definitely going to be physically abusive to you during the visit in front of your son, would you go ahead with it?

If the answer is no, then you don’t think cancer is an excuse for abuse. What you do know at the moment is that he may or may not have cancer, but past experience shows that he is likely to be abusive during the visit. You don’t owe it to anyone to put yourself or you son at risk of abuse. He may not be explicitly abusive during the visit, but he may use it to get into your head and try to suck you back in again.

I realise I’ve gone on a bit here. I think I’ve been putting off telling a scare story I read on this forum where somebody gave her ex the benefit of the doubt to make things easier for the kids, but it turned out he was deliberately trying to get her on her own and he raped her. It wasn’t something she was expecting from past experience, so you can’t assume it won’t happen just because it hasn’t happened before. I’m really sorry if that’s upsetting to hear and hopefully my concern is well over the top. But I really wouldn’t take the risk. Sending love xxxx

[Author]

Posts