Mixed marriage, British wife, ** husband

[Salamander]

Hi,

I’m so heartbroken and devastated.
Myself and my 2 children have been victims of a sustained campaign of psychological, physical and financial abuse since my (detail removed by Moderator) husband arrived here in the UK.

My daughter has (detail removed by Moderator) and therefore has special needs and is vulnerable. He has repeatedly bullied, berated and shouted at her and called her abusive and derogatory names such as “(detail removed by Moderator)” My daughter has never given him a cause to do this to her. She’s never answered back and she’s shy and timid.

He has also called my son fat and made hurtful comments about his appearance. This has caused emotional damage. My son is having some time off school after the most recent abuse I have endured (explained below). Sadly he is not coping with it at all and has been crying most days.

My husband has consistently weaponised my children in order to control me. He has frequent outbursts of extreme anger and rage and has been putting a lot of pressure on me to have more children with him. I had multiple pregnancy losses with him over the past (detail removed by Moderator) years.

He blamed me for my miscarriages saying that I killed my unborn babies intentionally and if I don’t give him a baby soon, he will find another woman who will.

(detail removed by Moderator) he went into a fit of rage while I was driving (detail removed by Moderator) and he nearly caused me to have an accident. (detail removed by Moderator). He shouted so loudly for ages, telling me (detail removed by Moderator).. I could’ve crashed the car (detail removed by Moderator). The shouting happens a few times a week while I am driving but this time it was more severe. The insults were extreme and I was crying and in so much distress. I (detail removed by Moderator) and this enraged him further so he made a malicious call to the police. (detail removed by Moderator) I was released with no further action. I was terrified and having panic attacks. This caused irreparable emotional damage and trauma to me and both of my children.

I have not seen him since, but I have briefly spoken with him (detail removed by Moderator). I now realise that I have been targeted in order to gain entry into the UK and that I am a victim of a cruel and sustained campaign of abuse.

I am so sad. I tried to reason with him to help him understand cultural differences and compromise with him. He isn’t the man I met. He made me so depressed I was suicidal at one point. I’d never want to die so I self harmed instead. I have never self harmed in my life – I’m so ashamed.

No one liked him. Everyone thought he was hostile and bad with social norms and boundaries. He was generally annoying and rambunctious with everyone and very quick tempered with me. I was always so mindful not to trigger him in front of others and tried my best to hide the abuse. I pretended everything was ok and I protected him and his reputation. I got him a good job in the UK despite not having professional qualifications – I really did well to get him this job.

I think maybe he did love me but regretted marrying a woman with children who then had multiple miscarriages. We didn’t try as often as we should have to have babies due to me not wanting to be intimate with him. I was so upset and down. I didn’t like the way he spoke to my children. I defended them and threatened him with the law so he reduced the name calling towards my children but he did was he constantly abused me every day and weaponised them to control me.

I feel sad how he made up a story to the police and put an act on ((detail removed by Moderator)) – (detail removed by Moderator). I wasn’t anywhere near him. I was at home crying. He told them (detail removed by Moderator). He’s now (detail removed by Moderator).
He still works at the place where I got him a job. (detail removed by Moderator). (detail removed by Moderator). All lies.

How can he not care about what this has done to my children and me? Why doesn’t he care that I was terrified in a cell in isolation for so long? (detail removed by Moderator). I can’t sleep or eat. I’m having nightmares – he’s not even sorry.

I’m now starting to realise what’s happened. He hated me. He used to (detail removed by Moderator). I told him to please stop and he’s told people (detail removed by Moderator).

He’s mental. My children are better off without him and so am I. Why do I feel such sadness and grief?

His visa runs out in (detail removed by Moderator). He told me he needed some time to get settled and will talk to me with a 3rd party in a few months! I asked if he wants a divorce and he hasn’t answered. He said he still loves me in the same way when he first met me but he’s too scared to come home in case I hurt him!?! It’s crazy. He told me to sort out my mental health issues. I was suicidal (detail removed by Moderator) and I self harmed – but it was because of enduring so much trauma and abuse.

I reluctantly emailed the Home Office (detail removed by Moderator). I reluctantly applied for a divorce online. I am devastated I’ve done this. I made a promise to marry for life. He hasn’t given me any choice. The police were (detail removed by Moderator) – it was THAT bad. How can anyone do that to their wife and not feel any remorse?

I will never get over this. I despised him as a person. I didn’t even want to be intimate because he hurt me. But I still love him and I’m so sad.

[Regulargal10]

I realise this was originally posted almost a year ago now, but this sounds like classical (removed by Moderator) abuse. It sounds as though he has emotionally manipulated and gaslighted you to no end. You say that you didn’t try for a baby as much as you “should have”?! You are not an incubator! It amazes me to no end how an abusive man can carry out a campaign of terror over his woman and family, causing so much hurt and trauma. Yet then expect you to jump into bed with them?! I’m so sorry because it sounds as though he has gaslighted you to the point where you are blaming yourself. This is not your fault, this is not about you. You do not abuse someone you love and you do not love someone you abuse. There is nothing wrong with you. Your mental health has been affected by HIS horrendous actions. You and your children are suffering. Men like this only want the image of family life yet have no desire to actually be a good father or husband/ partner. I am speaking from experience of currently dealing with a (removed by Moderator) ex. (removed by Moderator). I now know that my ex crafted a very good game of convincing me and my family and friends that he was a good man. He is not. I have seen how his mask has completely lifted and he is nothing but empty and hollow inside. Do not feel sorry for him, he knows exactly what he’s doing which is why he puts on an act in front of others. These types of people have no soul. They are cruel and calculating. They use your empathy and humanity for their own personal gain and then weaponise it all against you because you are simply a kind and compassionate human being which they can never understand or be. I hope he got deported back to his home country. (legal details removed by Moderator). Nevertheless I am free from him and no longer walking on eggshells with me and my children living under his cruel regime of tyranny. I am beginning a slow process to rebuilding mine and my children’s lives. It isn’t easy but it is so worth it. He ruined many of my Christmases for several years. It’s always been my favourite time of year. This year I am finally free from him and looking forward to celebrating Christmas without him.

I pray that you find your peace. Good luck and lots of love to you and your children.

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