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Sorry I am just venting as this is the only place where I’m actually putting down what’s going on . I’m hoping that I’ll read back and see a pattern as at moment I’m still thinking it’s normal ups n downs or a result of me.
So after the great conversation which he actually acknowledged things have been wrong in particular the hands around neck and the shoving onto bed . He said the fists in air near face were my warnings but I still pushed buttons. Fair enough .
But I know as some said his niceness may not last etc it’s not that he’s stopped being nice he’s just “ around” loads more and turned up early (detail removed by moderator) and I never get to see her but I didn’t get much chance to talk as he was there ( hours and hours before he would normally) and being all jokey and slapping bum in front of her just jests normal stuff – but just now as I’m
All relaxed thinking he’s in good mood I was jokey back to him about things (detail removed by moderator) I joked (detail removed by moderator) but he just gets it but backs me into the bedroom after still all “jokey” and hate to even write it but gets my skirt off so abruptly and Jokes around shoving me on bed saying (detail removed by moderator) but then laughs walks away and I laugh it off and as I walk past he punches my arm so hard at the top but smiles then hugs me really tight. I’m so confused we were not even arguing? But the undertone seems mocking and I think I’m paranoid that he’s almost doing the stuff he has done in past but as a “joke” .
(Detail removed by moderator) but I don’t know why I feel so uneasy I think when it’s arguing or when it’s silent treatment it was better but I feel like I don’t know why I’m feeling so worried .
Argh I’m venting and as I write I know I sound so pathetic . -
Dear Anonon
This is far for pathetic, its abuse on so many levels.
Being verbally nasty, psychically violent then being nice afterwards keeps us on edge unable to make a decisions on if it’s them or us.
I have made jokes, play dumb you name to keep the piece. But he always found something wrong to punish me.
Sad to say he wont get better.
Good luck on your road to freedom.
FS
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He’s back and just odd. Maybe he does know I’ve been googling and writing on here. I’m tempted to just be straight with him cus I can’t take tension that I’ve created in my head. I called WA last night but only left number I realise not the times that are ok .
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This echoes the relationship with my perpetrator so much.
He was hardly ever angry but would seemingly take pleasure in shoving, slapping, biting, strangling, smothering etc. If I objected then it was dressed up as a joke or I was accused of being too sensitive.It is definitely abuse though and strangling is high risk behaviour. It’s designed to question yourself and your perceptions and also to ‘keep you in line’ as he’s demonstrated some of the things he’s capable of.
The tension is part of the abuse cycle. Sometimes we do something we know will provoke them as, although the consequences are awful, the tension of not knowing the retaliation can be worse and it’ll hopefully lead back to a honeymoon stage. The cycle will keep repeating itself through.
I wouldn’t say much to him at the moment. Try and talk to one of the advisors when you can do so safely xx
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Please don’t tell him. It will make things worse and also make it much harder to leave.
On the “is it a joke” front, I just wanted to add that my family can be quite rude to one another as a joke, and that I used to play fight with my big brother quite often. My abuser used to tell me that he was just acting as my family did. Being rude as a joke. Play fighting. But it never felt the same. I didn’t like it. I felt uncomfortable. It was only after I left that I realised that it was because his “jokes” and “playing” had actually been part of a campaign of abuse and that he had been repeatedly intentionally hurting me that I realised that I felt uncomfortable because he was making me uncomfortable. I didn’t trust him. I didn’t feel safe around him. But that had become so normal that I couldn’t see it.
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Thank you for replying I know I mustvsound so frustrating as I’m back and forth with my opinions.
I am definitely going to try and ring and tonight if I’m able to go to shop. He’s asking why a lot. I now don’t know if the fear I feel is because of him or because I started to read online about things and perhaps blown it up as risky in my head . Cus on paper I imagine yes it sounds it but it’s him and he wouldn’t hurt me to extreme I’m sure so my mind is just all over place and probably my anxiety . Thank you again for Letting me write on here and listening so to speak .
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I used to think I had irrational anxiety about my ex boyfriend too. He too was always making cruel ‘jokes,’ mocking me and was physical but it was always dressed up as either a joke or an accident so at the time I had absolutely no idea it was abuse until it escalated.
Abuse is extremely confusing. It turns out my anxiety wasn’t irrational at all, but he tried to make me think it was. Trust your gut, it won’t let you down. Just pretend to be normal with him so he won’t suspect anything, it will keep you safe while you figure things out.
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Thanks I’ll try to be as normal as poss but I’m failing as I dunno if I’m noticing more stuff or if more “ stuff “ is happening. I couldn’t get through earlier . Feeling quite low tonight
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It is hard to get through to the helpline. If you can then leave a message with times when it would be safe for them to call you back (although if your abuser is unpredictable in his movements this can be hard) or you could also look up you local service and see if you can get through to them more easily. They will probably have more limited opening hours, but sometimes it is easier to get through to them than the helpline. Don’t worry that you feel that you are oscillating between seeing the abuse and minimising it – it’s a process we all go through before we get out. Keeping a list of incidents can be helpful if you can do it safely, as it helps you stay grounded in fact. Abusers are good at messing with our minds and convincing us we misremember so we don’t question their actions. Anything that helps you remember the facts of what has happened will help you see clearly what is going on, and will help you get out of the awful situation you are in now. You have to ask permission to go to the shops! That is serious and dangerous levels of control! You are not imagining it.
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He let me go to shop and didn’t cause too much fuss over me being bad Mum for doing the shop without them but I couldn’t get through to the helpline.
It’s goone weird or I’m seeing it more and even the playful kicking of my face and pulling on lower clothing down seems repulsive ow to me.
I had a message from a friend who I Have now hypothettically given a reply and she’s so supportive and just understands . Iper haps am not imagining it
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I promise you, these actions are repulsive. Kicking at someone’s face is terrifying, not playful. And pulling someone’s clothes down without consent is sexual assault. You shouldn’t have to ask anyone’s consent to leave the house. And not taking your children to the supermarket definitely doesn’t make you a bad mother. I don’t know any mothers who wouldn’t rather leave their kids at home and shop in peace if they can. Obviously they wouldn’t leave small kids home alone, but if they can leave them with someone else they absolutely will.
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You are definitely not imagining the abuse. When we are being abused, the rational part of our brain shuts down while the part that deals with our safety takes over. Google cognitive dissonance and reality testing. Keep talking to people about his abusive behaviour. Like women’s aid and your GP. People who understand. You do not have to put up with this behaviour. It damages your mental health and leave you a shell of the person you were and could be again x
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I’ve managed to speak to the helpline but froze and couldn’t bring myself to say it all as it sounds so embarrassing and my daughter was nearby . I now feel so so sick with guilt to hear him referred to as perpetrator on phone and abuser as That sounds horrible and if he knew he would be devastated and I feel so awful for telling people now . What’s wrong with me 🙁
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You are being abused. An abuse victim can spend a lifetime defending an abuser. I did. It’s beyond devastating to be abused by someone you love and you think loves you in return, such a painful truth we fight to accept. Well done for taking that first step. I know the pain you’re in but he cares nothing for you. You need to look after you and your child because he’s proved he cannot. Once an abuser always an abuser and it will get worse x
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There’s nothing wrong with you. You sound to me like you are justly anxious at his abuse and it can be shocking the first time those words are used as this has been your normal for so long that starting to feel its abnormal can feel very strange and worrying but nothing wrong with you, this is just how it feels.
Try to remember that anything you don’t like you don’t have to like or accept, if you are not happy about it its wrong regardless of how ‘nice’ he might try to be to cover his abusive a***
We can all name his abuse and you are not overi flating or over-reacting the are your normal reactions to abnormal treatment.
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I felt awful too when I started to speak out about it. It was an awful strong feeling of I shouldn’t have done that, spoken out. It lasted quite a while. I felt terrible. But I kept going and that feeling went. I too didn’t like it if people referred to him negatively. Well that’s changed for me now. His mask has completely slipped and I see him for the cruel, nasty, selfish, violent, manipulative person he is.
This is a barrier we have to persevere with and cross, that feeling awful when we speak out about it.
We are loyal. Very loyal. And with a normal person that is good and ok. But with an abuser our qualities of loyalty, honesty, not wanting to speak bad about others, wanting marriage to be for life (that was hard for me to give up on) and us always forgiving, well with an abuser these qualities are lethal. That’s why they chose us in the first place imo. We are empaths. We have all these qualities in abundance so we are prize catches for the abuser type of person.
Keep posting and sharing about it.
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Thank you all I’m finding it helpful logging onto here constantly and reading . I’ve downloaded the book living with the dominator and trying to see if anything fits him and I know when I read what I write it sounds ridiculous and I could not literally say most of past event out loud on phone and the more intimate sexual side of things as I’m just so ashamed .i know I’m terrible for dragging up past things I’ve forgiven him for but can’t stop thinking on them lately .I keep thinking the next big major incident will be when I can then tell him that’s it and leave- I’ve been finding it hard to act normally around him and have been probably challenging him cus I didn’t think he was deliberately trying to control me but the more I say no to demands or just even offer my opinion that seems to have started the whole weird “ joking hurting me” … but I don’t want to laugh or find it funny. Thank you all again I keep reading what you all have written when I start again to think argh I’m my head etc . You’re all so kind
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So sorry, he is being (Detail removed by Moderator). Being intimidating, humiliating and hurting you. He is still (Detail removed by Moderator) he always was. It’s not in your head lovely! I have felt that so often too, crazy, irrational – like I am making things up – but we all know in our gut and heart that how they treat us is not right and we all deserve so much more than that. The fact that you are here, shows that you are so wise and you know what is happening – no matter how many tricks he plays. They WANT us to question everything and doubt ourselves but the heart knows, we know.
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Ahhh …I’ can’t say why as very obviously me but I’m with kids and staying elsewhere tonight. First actual bed in many years as I’m on floor normally in kids room since first born.
Seeing the two little beds and one king-size and just the fact no atmosphere is ringing louder to me so so much. They’re peaceful and I’m awake able to sit in the light and watch rubbish telly. Not playing on phone in dark on floor ( although still gripped to my phone!!!!)
He’s not even asked to speak to kids and they’ve not once mentioned daddy. Now I just want to stay away . Get away without everyone around us knowing details that way no one would get involved with kids? As that terrifies me.
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