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    • #38489

      you can’t always rely on family to support you particularly when you’ve ended up with an abuser. I have found my own support more from a few friends and support groups and not family… my mom is far from perfect… we were never that close, she was always quite detached as a parent, which of course hurt my self esteem. Anyway, one thing I noticed throughout my ex’s reign of terror (what my dad calls it), is that whenever I would tell her something about what my ex had done or said to me, she would always try to find a “reasonable” explanation for his unreasonable behaviour or she would suggest that perhaps it was something I did that resulted in his unreasonable behaviour. A few times she would even laugh, and when I would tell her it hurt me to hear her laugh, she would say that she was laughing because she was upset…? Really made me feel let down when it’s your own mum and you need someone for support… and you like to think it will be your parents… reality is, often not… but it makes me think that perhaps I come from a low level abusive family – nothing like my ex but some neglect was definitely there and invalidation was huge. makes me a bit sad as I think that in some ways ending up with an abusive monster for a husband was almost predestined, and I wish it hadn’t been but forever grateful I have my son out of it, something good comes out of everything x

    • #38806

      It’s so very hard to come to terms with a the fact that one has a mother who is so lacking in emotional support- and who even seems to want to frustrate and antagonise.

      What you are describing is definitely emotional abuse.

      My ex was guilty of what you describe your mother doing: always playing devil’s advocate and siding with the other person if I was in a situation where I felt unfairly treated; even purposely going out of his way to be extra nice to that person, despite the fact that he knew they’d hurt me in some way; withdrawing emotional support when most needed…

      It’s the very opposite of a supportive love. It’s cruel antagonism. It’s like they are dating themselves to see how far they can go, how far they can neglect or antagonise us…

      We can only guess why they felt a need to do it. Maybe simply because they felt a rush being mean, and did it because they knew they could; maybe they felt annoyed by some if our good qualities, ones they knew they didn’t possess, and took the opportunity to hurt us and punish us; maybe they just loved to humiliate..

      I’m sorry that you suffered this. We can only try to be the opposite in our relationships with people.

      I received a lot of counselling last year and discussed my family of origin a lot. I found it really helped me to drop some really unhealthy beliefs and helped me learn how to set boundaries with people.

    • #38960

      I have a background of neglect and invalidation. I’m sorry your mum would laugh when you told her about your abusive ex – that must feel dreadful. My dad laughed and joked and justified it when I got sexually harassed, so yeah you can’t always turn to family. I’m glad for helplines and stuff because of that.

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