Money control

[Imnotcrazyyouare]

I don’t know about you guys, but one thing my partner loves to control is money. I find it really stressful. At Christmas, despite the fact he works and I survive on a very minimal amount of benefits, I still ended up spending around (detail removed by moderator) whereas he only spent around (detail removed by moderator) more than me.. at birthdays it’s also practically impossible to get money out of him! When I have money an he doesn’t he demands I transfer him money, he demands I do it instantly! However when it’s the other way round, I essentially get more money off of my parents than my actual partner! The money is meant to be family money! But noooo I’m left here struggling whilst he lives as comfortably as he wishes. It’s so frustrating like here I am moaning but at the same time I think to myself.. should I be moaning? I will eventually get the money.. but it’s just the event I need the money for isn’t many days away.. and it’s doubtful anything will arrive in time now (I’ve been asking for money all week).. I don’t even know if this is one of his control methods.. but soon I’ll have my own money and no idea how he’s gonna feel about that!! I just know the way he acts isn’t right but I just can’t see my life without him I can’t even picture it… and underneath everything.. I do love him.. but currently I think I hate him too…

[Bananaboat]

Yep 100% it’s control and stressful isn’t it. I’m the higher wage earner so he couldn’t do the ‘I’ll give you spending money’ like his dad does to his mum, but Mine decided long ago a very minimal amount he would pay towards bills, calling it ‘rent’. He thinks this measly sum should cover not only the bills but all food he eats, clothes he wears, holidays etc. This amount has never increased despite all bills going up and he refuses to set up a standing order so is paid when he feels like it, which means it’s always late and I have to ask for it, which prompts the ranting of why should he pay anything, women wanted equal rights but still expect men to pay and so on. He expects me to buy birthday/Christmas gifts for his family, gets me nothing or buys something he’ll use/drink. Like you if I owe him anything it’s immediate transfer is demanded. When we had to apply for benefits for a short period he wanted ‘his share’ for himself to spend as he wished and I had to stop telling him what we’d received as it was actually there to cover bills & childcare! He even laughs that he’s never bought anything for our shared child and believes essentials such as nappies, milk etc aren’t his responsibility. The last few months, since I’ve said it’s over for me, it’s been a nightmare covering the rent each month as he just isn’t paying and has every excuse going but funnily enough his drug dealer gets paid and he’s in the pub multiple times a week.

[Footprints]

Im meant to have a good income and the perception to the outside eye is that i am ‘well off’ but i have so little. My husband controlled all the bills, all the money and when i did get savings and he found out about it i had to give it to him. He found out i had been saving (detail removed by moderator) into a savings account and told me off for keeping secrets from him. I had that just in case something happened to him as i had no way of accessing any of his savings. He tells people (detail removed by moderator). People with my qualifications should be on good salaries but he persuaded me to  (detail removed by moderator) and then got cross with me when i started doing ok. I ended up having to scale back and i earn so little as he would tell me (detail removed by moderator). He wouldnt share anything with me about the finances either and said (detail removed by moderator). I couldnt afford that. All my income has always been spent on the kids. He said (detail removed by moderator). He gave me a credit card and said (detail removed by moderator). I now understand that this was so he could monitor my spending. I am so cross with myself as i should have known better. BUt i wanted him to love me so i just let it get worse and worse. I have left now and am living off what i have and surviving. It feels nuts i should have to do that when he has a high income but i feel empowered now more than i have been for many years.

[Ariadne]

In my previous relationship, he wouldn’t work, so I was the “breadwinner”. He didn’t have any expense or contribution. I paid for everyting. He would make me transfer him money all the time as “spending money”, or have me buy him clothes or games, or whatever. He would get intimidating and angry when I confronted him about this, saying we are partners and whatever was mine was also his. So whatever money I gained, he would feel entitled to it. I was unhappy with this because we never came to a mutual agreement about this. He stayed at home playing games, and he wouldn’t help with anything. So it wasn’t like he was a stay at home dad. It came to the point where I told him we should share expenses on a trip, and he was very upset about that, so of course I paid for everything, as usual.

So yes, even though you can be considered the “independent” one with a salary, they can still control your finances if they have a mind to do it.

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