Months have past

[Distraught]

Hi all,

I haven’t been on here for a while. I split (detail removed by moderator) and things have massively changed.

I’m now in a new relationship with someone who respects and adores me. I feel so blessed and loved. I don’t understand why I didn’t leave sooner. However, the dreaded ex still tries to control Ann’s manipulate me. He tries telling me I can’t have my kids back, and threatening to put them in temporary foster care whilst he has them. He has them sometimes and never sticks to plan so wants to bring them back early and if he doesn’t get his own way he starts with the threats. Although I know these are lies to hurt me it still upsets me. I need routine and consistency for my children which he refuses to give. I’m so terrified of his reaction if I tell him he has to do this that I just let him dictate. I can feel myself becoming stronger so just need to gain strength to set ground rules but risk upsetting my kids. My kids want to see him but they are horrible with me and my Bf before they go and when they get back. He doesn’t keep them I. in Routine when he has them.

So I need ideas on how I can tell him it’s tough he can have them on set days not just as and when he pleases. I don’t want the threats of taking them or him turning up at school and taking them. He is not a reasonable person.

[Lisa]

Hi Distraught,

I’m sorry to hear about all of this; unfortunately lots of perpetrators will use children as a way of keeping the abuse going for as long as possible. Have you had any legal advice around all this? I’d really recommend doing that as a first step, and possibly looking into a Family Arrangement Order (a court order which would state exactly when he sees them, how long for, how handovers take place). Your local domestic abuse service should be able to help you access legal advice, and the Rights of Women can give free legal advice around child contact issues on 0207 251 6577. There’s also Corum Children’s Legal Centre on 0300 330 5480, or FLOWS (Finding Legal Options for Women Survivors) on 0203 745 7707.

You may also want to look into an injunction called a Prohibited Steps Order which would stop him from being able to take the children from your care. For some legal advice around this you could contact DV Assist on 0800 195 8699.

I hope this helps,

Keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,

Lisa,
Forum Moderator

[Distraught]

Hi , I am trying to get divorced and put things in place, However my ex doesn’t reply to anything from my solicitor. I think the less contact with him the better. I will just continue with the solicitor dealing with it. If only it didn’t cost so much.

[Author]

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