* months into a New relationship

[Buttercup2022@]

I’m with a new guy after splitting from my ex (detail removed by Moderator). We’ve been together for (detail removed by Moderator) months, he has a very different lifestyle than me. I’ve spent a long time testing our relationship, maybe pushing him away because I can’t cope with how nice he is to me and don’t feel deserving of it in some way. I go through stages where I think something terrible is going to happen which will ruin everything. I thought I had breast cancer and then thought I was pregnant.. all were false! I now can’t decide whether my thoughts are genuine doubts about the relationship or more me just trying to protect myself from getting hurt after my previous experience. I feel like my understanding of a healthy relationship is tarnished. I think about a future with him but I’m worried at the minute that we both want different things. I’m trying to prevent us from both getting hurt longer term so I’ve arranged to speak to him. I spoke to a friend about my thoughts and she said if I found the ‘one’ and was madly in love I would want to spend my life with him, marry, agree to compromise on some of his quirky ways etc. maybe she’s right but I think my understanding of finding the one is somewhat impacted by the trust I had broken previously. Im a notorious over-thinker and I’m maybe worrying about things I shouldn’t worry about. I really want to take things slowly with him but at the same time feel I need to lay cards on the table etc as time goes by so quickly & I feel if we don’t have this conversation early on then we are bound to get hurt longer term. He says he has goals but thinks relationships should be build on partnership, communication and compromise. I agree with the 1st two but the 3rd not so. I want to live my life and not to be controlled or influenced, I have children and other factors which obviously impact on the decisions I make in life but I don’t want to be held back or change plans for someone else. Maybe that’s because of what I’ve been through and in time I’ll learn not to be so selfish lol does this make any sense to anyone? Is this normal? What is the definition of a healthy relationship? Should I know if he is the one?? I don’t want to lose him and I enjoy our time. I feel like I’m just rambling on and probably need to remortgage to pay for a lot of therapy! Thanks in advance for any support. These forums have helped more than you guys know! Xx

[maddog]

Abusive relationships are traumatic. You may need real life help and support to rebuild yourself after this horror.

A healthy relationship involves mutual respect, listening, communication, and compromise. The compromise just means that decisions are made through discussion and mutual respect.

There’s no such person as The One. Enjoy your time together and see what happens. It takes a long time to get to know someone, their foibles and habits.

[Hereforhelp]

I agree with Maddog, there’s no such thing as the ‘one’… that’s a lot of pressure and could be used to overlook love bombing (not that your new partner is doing this)

Freedom programme could be useful for you if you haven’t already done that course?

Trust your gut xx

[Buttercup2022@]

Thanks both. I’m stuck in turmoil.
I’m Happy in his company and he is everything I want and need I think. The doubts are always surfaced when I’m not in his company. Maybe that’s when I’m overthinking or maybe I’m blindsided when I’m with him. I don’t want things to end though. That’s something I am sure of.
I do need some real help to recover from the abuse I encountered and to help settle my mind.

[Camel]

There’s absolutely nothing selfish about wanting to take things slowly. There’s no rule that says you have to move in together, share your finances, compromise on your dreams or even accommodate his quirky ways. If you’re happy with the way things are, spending time together on your terms, don’t feel pressured to change the set up. If he wants to rush ahead into a committed relationship I’d see this as a problem. Maybe you’ll drift apart if he doesn’t get what he wants but take that as a sign that he wasn’t ‘the one’ at all. You don’t have to compromise on your hard-won independence just because he’s a nice guy. I don’t think you need to lay your cards on the table. Relax and see how things pan out.

[Author]

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