More violence on films that makes me sick

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

I was watching a series with some of my children and there was a scene with violence in it, I had to turn away at the moment when blows were being given to this victim, using a cable attached to a plug, they were hitting the victim’s face while he was sat down, his hands tied at the back of the chair he was sitting on. In another scene, his perpetrators were following him slowly as he tried to crawl away from them knowing full well the state he was in would not allow him to escape, so his end was fairly imminent.
I had to turn away and I was able to listen but not watch. At the same time all I could think about was the day I was strangled and I kept saying to myself as I listened to those scenes on the tv, how lucky I was to have escaped alive even though my husband took his hands off me as soon as our son arrived in the corridor where the strangling was taking place, he watched what was happening and my husband let go of me and stormed out of the house, I have no knowledge of where he was, went or did afterwards but he came back.

I just simply cannot stand (and it has become so physical) watching films with violent scenes where a victim has no escape and no chance to survive. I just start thinking about what happened to me straight away.

I hear about PTSD and I have noticed over the last few months how suddenly I can have recollections of this event and it sends me panicking. I feel bad and sad and lost and I feel the fear I never felt on that day, not even at the time when it happened for I was more ”into” this event by way of watching my husband’s eyes and the glaze they took on and the anger in him, the uncontrolled anger which I recently felt again as he looked at me straight into my eyes. I remember saying to myself I was ready to die, I had accepted that my death would come via asphyxiation, my worst nightmare from childhood.

I asked my counsellor to talk about the abuse next week, rather than the random things that come up in my mind about my week, and I wonder how I will feel when I start describing. All I can say is that I feel the fear I should have felt just a few years ago. So each time a bad film comes up on tv, I just cannot watch the violent scenes. I start remembering, and I feel like the victim on the scenes, unable to escape.

I don’t like feeling like that. I can talk to the social worker about what I experienced in a short sentence but it has no effect on me, I even find myself ridiculous. But the moment I watch tv…I laugh, I smile, I shrug my shoulders as if nothing had happened and that life goes on. But those films…

I can’t look at my husband’s eyes at the moment either.

Sorry for rambling but since opening up to the counsellor, it has started getting worse. I hate people saying they fear for me, even the counsellor telling me to take care of myself, and my safety, to avoid certain situations if I can.

Maybe she is right when she says she would like me to start looking at long term counselling. Do people who laugh at what they have lived (as I do) and shrug their shoulders and smile and carry on as if nothing had happened actually hide a deeper hurt that just doesn’t want to come out for fear of crumbling?

I also went into an automatic panic at the Freedom Programme, I remember that so clearly and it shocked me, I lost control.

I don’t know anything anymore. What is fear? I am so used to him…

[Lisa]

Hi Bridget Jones Is Free,

It is understandable that watching violence on TV has triggered flashbacks of the severe violence you have experienced from your husband. You may have some symptoms of PTSD- perhaps talk to your counsellor or GP about this.
There are some effective self-help techniques for PTSD symptoms.
You might find it helpful to read more about it on the Mind Website, where there are also links to other specialist support services.

When talking about abuse for the first time in counselling it can often be the case that it gets worse before it gets better. However it sounds like you have a good counsellor and hopefully in the long term it will be a positive process for you.

Keep posting to let us know how you are,

Kind Regards,

Lisa

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