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This topic contains 38 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  KIP. 2 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #103760
     Cantmakedecisons 
    Participant

    So I find myself once again in the same place I’ve been so many times before.

    Your left in a state: a physical state that makes you feel sick and a mental state that doesn’t allow you to think straight. I have everything whirling around in my head, what I should have done, what I didn’t do.

    It’s pretty restless right now and I just want to curl up in ball and sleep, pretend it’s all a nightmare and dream of a happier place.

    I’m just not sure what the point of it all is right now.

  • #103768
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hi, I’ve responded in your other post but pls call the police. You cannot handle this alone x

  • #103769
     KIP. 
    Participant

    There’s nothing you can do to prevent his abuse apart from zero contact. You could be the most perfect partner and it wouldn’t be enough. He chooses to abuse you because he enjoys it. Please reach out to the police or phone an ambulance on 999.

  • #103772
     Same-again 
    Participant

    God, I remember those mornings. How awful it is when you wake up… and remember.

    The pain, the hurt, the feeling of despair.

    They crush you, physiologically, emotionally, physically.

    Here’s sending you a virtual hug.

    The police are there to help – if you feel able to call them. I know it feels hideous and you just want to curl into a ball and make the pain go away. I did exactly the same, many times. I am sorry for your/our/my pain.

    You don’t deserve this, nobody does.

    I found a hot bath and some fresh air helped… if you are able to..

    I’m only (detail removed by moderator) away from him headbutting me and waking up with that memory. Transpires he must have fractured my nose. I will have a crooked one now forever. Perhaps for me a memory to serve as a reminder.

    xxxx

     

  • #103778
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    CantMakeDecisions…it’s the poison they interject into your life, like some insects do to their prey. I know you are weak and foggy but you have to get away from him sweetheart….whatever it takes. That is the point of it all. What do you need, how can we help? Fight the paralysis ok? Call the police like KIP said.

    Hi Same Again….I’m so sorry, I hope you are safe now, are you? I have a crooked nose. My father. Helps my glasses stay put. Noses can be straightened. I hope he got arrested. Dangerous man. You absolutely deserve better! Hugs to you both!!

  • #103784
     Same-again 
    Participant

    Hi Braelynn,

    Crying again…

    He did get arrested – but I wouldn’t give a statement. Too overwrought. You know the script. They (the police/then court) did issue a DVPO though which is good.

    Unfortunately he’s a very close neighbour. He can see my garden from his garden. The (detail removed by moderator) the headbutt he broke in through the (detail removed by moderator) so I now put a zip lock tie on the handles at night. Cut it off every morning.

    Your nose comment made me laugh!

    CantMakeDecisions – how are you hunny? Hope you managed to get some sleep.. and perhaps feel a little bit calmer.. ?!

    Anyway, wherever you are at I am thinking of you.

     

  • #103787
     Cantmakedecisons 
    Participant

    Thanks everyone.

    I really do appreciate your replies, it makes me feel less lonely in this. I’ve had a little nap and sat in the garden.

    As always I’m still full of adrenaline because that sucky shaky feeling is still with me.

    I’ll be ok. X

  • #103789
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Sadly the trouble is you won’t be okay. Can you ring your GP? You really deserve better than this. These men are cowards. You’re probably still traumatised and not thinking straight but when you start to regain your strength there is lots of help out there X x

  • #103792
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Same-Again, this guy needs to have charges placed. Breaking and entering for one, not to mention the assault. Absolutely ring the police. He is who he is here and he is dangerous. You living that close isn’t good. If you have the extra money look online for a cheap camera you can put in your house monitoring the doors to outside. That feed can go straight to your phone. Also if you can afford it but again it’s cheap to do, do a background check on him, you want everything. (detail removed by moderator) is good to have. You can also buy a small little marine airhorn online, small but will raise the dead. Call the police, make your statement, tell them everything, ok? Please do this Asap. This is no way to live sweetheart…

  • #103793
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Background check “online”…

  • #103794
     Same-again 
    Participant

    Hiya hun, I did do the Claire’s law request – and nothing. I know he was previously violent (years and years ago) from a neighbour but his ex mustn’t have called the police.

    I do have cameras yes, although I found I was being a bit obsessive checking them. Made the anxiety worse. I told the police I had the footage (gone now) but they weren’t interested. Problem is on the (detail removed by moderator) he’d strangled me (detail removed by moderator) and I walloped him with (detail removed by moderator). He’d broken a lot of stuff. Anyway, he said it was me who’d assaulted him even though I’d called them. It was a rather lucky shot, got him right (detail removed by moderator).

    Anyways, he has some shady friends…. I think I’m ok with the DVPO as he also knows some information about stuff that happened in my past that he’s kinda blackmailing me with.

    He’s spent all day (detail removed by moderator). Helping the (detail removed by moderator) neighbour who is now is new best friend. Yay!

    He’s not gonna freak me though, bring it on!

     

     

  • #103797
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Same-Again….(detail removed by moderator) is a good background check to use. (Detail removed by moderator), Mini Wifi Camera With Smartphone App and Night Vision Two-way Audio Home Security Camera. Please ring the police. They are very familiar with DV and women being too shaken up to fully take advantage of their rights as the victim. What is the status of your DVPO?

  • #103798
     Same-again 
    Participant

    I’ll check out the background thing but I do have 4 cameras already One front, one side and 2 back) and they’re attached to my phone. An app thing.

    I fear what he will do if I take things further ie pursue charges. The information he know would ruin my life and family members – well the whole family really. It’s too much to lose when I’ve already lost so much.

    The DVPO is in place till (detail removed by moderator) so hopefully by then I’ll be off furlough… back in the office I’m hoping..

    He values himself too much to be honest so I think if I leave it at that we might just be able to ignore/avoid each other…

     

  • #103799
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Ahh, I see. He has the right to hit you but you can’t defend yourself. Good aim btw! Prolly what he has done in the past, he’s wiggled out of. He’s using the guy next door of course. Typical. Journal everything. He shouldn’t be allowed that close to you….. He’s stalking you. I see some fire in your belly here! Eh, at some point you may just need to move. He is fixated on you and that is troubling.

  • #103800
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Quite the sticky wicket when they have something over us. Well, he has something to lose here, too. His freedom. They do that, get us to confide and then they think it gives them free rein. He’s done this before….knows his ropes.

  • #103801
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    What’s his driving force here besides the obvious, enjoying abusing you? Did you help him out with money?

  • #103802
     Same-again 
    Participant

    Yes, I curse the day I opened my mouth – thing is the memories came back to me whilst I was with him. I think he was up to no good while I was asleep and this has awakened memories buried deep.

    I’ve only put the dots together recently… but it’s all circumstantial-not enough for a conviction. Lots of things added together.

    We have an uneasy truce and to be honest (can’t say more-too identifying) I don’t think he’s gonna push… so yes, long term I think a new place to live.

    Honestly, I’m thinking of a certain country in central America.. Yoga paddle board business… At least I’ll be able to save way more now he’s not around 🙂

  • #103803
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    sending love and strength to you two ladies. I know the feeling well, and there really is no other way, really you have to get help now and get away from these men before something even worse happens. I understand the fog and how hard it is to think straight. Once your head is a little more straight, please get the police involved. You are both in serious danger! XX

  • #103806
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Same-again – good for you, I’d be thinking about going that route if at all possible. Who needs this? So now your castle is your castle, so glad you have the cameras. Use your time on furlough to plan, make a fresh start somewhere else, you sound for fit for the challenge. Make your time now for doing that and for doing whatever you like to pamper yourself. Put on music you like, play it loud! Eat what you want, take hot baths, do some yoga, breathing exercises, get all your duckies in a row because sometimes life just opens other doors for us when we’ve had enough. Might as well pop through and have a look about. You’ve been beaten up emotionally but you have a good brain so go to the logical side of that brain and draw out your options and plan. Sometimes, it’s just time for an adventure. I have “left” a few times in my life. Got tired of the abusive family on both sides and said bye-bye. Not running like a coward just tired of being in the same area where they breathed my air. It was sooo wonderful to just “go”. I drove it, from one end of the continent to the other, a few times actually.

    But at the end of the day I did have to do work on myself regarding things. And I did. The family? Whole different ballgame. Was born into it. Had to fight my way out of it. The choices made as an adult with men, well, that had an awful lot to do with what I was raised in and I had to work through that one. I made the choices but why? No putting on guilty pants about it but taking ownership all the same. Something needed fixing, didn’t it? Not a work of perfection but work in progress as they say!

    Not like I was in many respects. Older, wiser and a bit cross when boundaries are breached. I’ll have no more of that one. Life is to be lived, joyfully, peacefully, it’s too short. Do some good reading while you are on lockdown. The Book Title thread here has tons of reading. Heal yourself because you have that ability. We are our own best Medicine Woman, we truly are. Just like our intuition is our greatest tool and weapon. We have to play offense here too and not just defense. Very important.

    Offense right now is for you to plan out the rest of your life. Make sure he hasn’t cloned your phone…not sure how to do that really but you should check it out. It happened to a friend of mine. Look for any cameras that he may have planted in your house as well. Also, I know from another friend, she actually showed me that she could roll up in front of my house and get on my internet and then into my email, everything. So talk to a techie about that because there are measures you can do that prevent that one, settings on your computer/laptop, etc. So if he’s next door with whatever excuse, he could do that. Not trying to worry you needlessly but it’s something we should all be aware of and prevent.Be your own best advocate here, research and take your life back, ok?

  • #103807
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Look up on WikiHow – How to Detect a Remote Access to My Computer. Go to TechJunkie and look at – How Cell Phones Are Cloned And How To Stop It From Happening To You.

  • #103808
     Cantmakedecisons 
    Participant

    I wish I was as brave as you.

  • #103809
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    You are brave, sweets, you just gotta get to a place here where you can sort yourself out enough to take action on your own behalf. You’re here, that was brave. If you could imagine being braver, what would you do? What would you tell someone else that was in your shoes….to do?

  • #103812
     Cantmakedecisons 
    Participant

    Braver would be to submit the statement that I already had prepared even before this. To deal with the s**t that would come my way.

    If I was advising a friend and they knew everything I would say run! Run so far that you never look back.

    I know that so why am I still here.

  • #103813
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    For you to answer……. What are you afraid of or worried about?

  • #103815
     Cantmakedecisons 
    Participant

    I’m fearful of the repercussions of submitting the statement. One time before when I asked him to leave he broke in, in the middle of the night and you can guess the rest. Recently he was bailed for (detail removed by moderator) with no contact but again.

    Also we have children and I’m not sure they would come with me if I left, they adore him. They know nothing of the situation.. mummy’s clumsy, mummy’s sad all the time, mummy’s so accident prone look why she’s done now, or mummy’s in bed all day because she feeling lazy.

    I’m worried that I’m going to end up in a worse situation I am in now, basic rented flat, no kids and still the ongoing abuse just from a distance.

     

     

  • #103817
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    Hi CMD,

    One bit of advice I was given by a solicitor many years ago was “never leave an abuser without your children”. I’m not sure how old your children are, but they must stay with you. If you leave them with him and he goes to court and gets a Prohibited Steps Order then it is a huge fight to get them back. Sadly, you will be judged for leaving them, especially if you are accusing him of abuse. If you are fleeing the house in an emergency for your life that is different, I’m talking about a planned leave.

    All of this talk putting you down in front of your children is part of the Controlling and Coercive Behaviour. An abuser will use/train the children to also mock and ridicule the victim in order to make her feel even more worthless. This comes under ‘Degrading’ behaviour – how to make you feel absolutely worthless and useless as a mother because even your own children abuse and dislike you.

    Your children may adore him now, but they won’t if you leave them with him. Your plans to escape this relationship MUST include your children.

  • #103818
     Cantmakedecisons 
    Participant

    I totally agree and I wouldn’t leave without them, that’s what makes harder to leave because they wouldn’t want to leave him, hence I’ve stayed for them.

  • #103819
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Are you married? I assume he is the father of your children? How old are your children because you are their mother and regardless of what he tells them, etc., what he’s doing IS abuse. You have rights here. This is total gaslighting going on here. Have you gotten DV help and advice because if not, you need to do it like yesterday. You have to come to a point here you say, this just isn’t acceptable to me. Not having it, none of it! You’re worn out, beaten up, badly bruised and got foggy brain going on. Time to stand up now, put your big girl knickers on, high boots up and say, I’m plowing this field and you can either get out of my way or be plowed, come what may. Time to take ownership of your life back my love. If you don’t, someone else will, eh? You have your kids to think of here and they can’t think straight. You think you can’t? They surely cannot do that. They are in your keeping here so do right by them, by yourself. Get angry. Forget self pity and all of that, get really angry. I don’t know about you but when my Mommabear wire is tripped, uhhh, everyone might want to Move…….running would be good. Of course he’s charmed them, manipulated them but this needs to stop now and you need to be about doing it. Tick, tock goes the clock. It doesn’t wait for ya.

    I know many times when I could barely even know my own name but with that last tiny little bit of strength, I said No More of this! No more. And I will get up and I will get out and I will do what I need to, one way or the other but I won’t live like this. I won’t. There is no riding the fence. There is you’re one side or the other. Don’t pick the side of your abuser. Get some help here, ring up whoever you need to in order to get some advice. Take it. Fight for yourself, for your children. Summon up the strength I do know you have, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. You need someone to hold your back up and we are here for you. We are. Loads of help for you. Lisa has enormous resources, reach out to her. This is all so unacceptable that you should sit and spin down and down and down but you have to be your own best friend here. Wipe the muck off ya. Make sure that your abuser understands One very important thing, you won’t be bullied any longer and you will take care of yourself and your children. End of. Let’s get some fire in your belly, okay? Light it up!!! Flame ON!

  • #103820
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Nope, you know better……….staying for them when you know he is manipulating them into things here, isn’t an excuse. You do understand what he’s doing, I know you do. You’re smarter than this. Time to do what’s right for them and what’s right for you. You weren’t ready to make a move all this time but I think maybe the envelope of that time table is pressing now. You need to make a decision.

  • #103821
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    Hi CMD,

    May I share something else with you too. Many years ago I had a beautiful house with my ex, it was like a show home. Back then I was a bit of a snob I suppose. I was quite materialistic and liked nice things. However, my ‘show home’ was also my prison – I couldn’t have friends round, my family could only come by appointment and for two hours once a week.

    I ended up living in a refuge eventually. I left with one suitcase and a toddler aged child. After some time in refuge I was given a two bedroom community house. The day I moved in it stunk of cigarette smoke, the net curtains were dirty, the floor was linoleum throughout and the furniture very basic and a bit worn out. I spent the day cleaning it with bleach, washed the curtains, scrubbed everywhere, plugged in some air fresheners, then went to sleep crying, wondering how on earth my life had resorted to this!

    But over the coming days and weeks I realised that although this was the scruffiest place I’d ever lived in, I was finally free of the man who’d made my life so miserable and who’d threatened to drive me to suicide, saying it wouldn’t take him much to send me over the edge because I was already so close. He wanted full custody of our child, and if I was dead he would get it.

    I made new friends, I was able to invite them round to my scruffy place – they never judged me on it. We had fun there, there were no time constraints on how long they could be there, my child could have friends over to play and we didn’t have to worry about the mess the toys made all over the floor. It was my biggest step to freedom and starting my life over. I’ve no regrets. Home is what you make it.
    Your children will be happy wherever you are happy 🙂

  • #103822
     Same-again 
    Participant

    God, I’ve just realised he will still have the wifi password for the house. Right, gonna take a look at that and the phone thing – thanks for the advice. It hadn’t occurred to me…

    He’s decided to have a fire (detail removed by moderator) RIGHT behind (detail removed by moderator) – there’s a bit of waste ground. He’s proper going for it I see. Great.

    Best sort the PC/WiFi and phone thingy I guess though.

    Thanks ladies.

     

     

  • #103823
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Yes, do sort it!! A fire? I’d be ringing the fire department.

  • #103824
     Cantmakedecisons 
    Participant

    I am married and have been for (detail removed by moderator), three children all his.

     

  • #103826
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Time to go for broke then, Cantmakedecisions. Can’t sit on the razorblade, love, it will split you. One side or the other. What he’s done to you, he does to the children. I had a stepmother that I was raised by who did nothing. Can’t even begin to tell you how I truly feel about her…..it’s not pretty. His abuse was one thing, her inaction and quite frankly “abuse too” because of that inaction hurt me severely so, you need to take a stand here. Your children are being abused.

  • #103828
     Cantmakedecisons 
    Participant

    Braelynn, I appreciate your response but they really aren’t. His a good father that’s the problem.

  • #103836
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Abusers are abusers all the way round. They really are. They make you the bad guy, all part of their plan. Make you look crazy in the eyes of your children…. it’s how they operate. Then if they can get you to believe that then all the better. Covert abuse. Children don’t know any better. They are easily manipulated. What he does to you he will eventually do to them very much so. My stepmother upon my father’s death was walking around at the funeral talking about how he was the love of her life… This man who tortured every way imaginable for decades. Stockholm Syndrome. Look that one up. It’s quite enlightening. Your children are no match for him. It’s not just you that’s caught in this crazy web, that somehow you are so messed up that you deserve his abuse or you’re less than him or anything of the sort. He has hobbled you. And he will go for the children. He already has. You can’t be a monster on one hand and a wonderful and kind person on the other hand. If I am to read all this correctly, it would appear that you’re saying you are the problem, worthy of his abuse and he is only abusive or capable of being abusive to “only you”. It’s never ever just – you. It’s who they are.

  • #103842
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    The tactics used on you are alot of times much like the tactics used on people in cults. In fact, I’ve known people who were in cults and I have to say it’s the same tactics. They split up families, isolate this one against that one, etc. People feel the poison but then they just assign it to themselves as somehow not being fit or worthy or they are guilty, etc. It works well, these techniques, otherwise all those people wouldn’t have died in Jonestown. He’s split you up here. Just strain a bit if you can to see things from a different perspective and tell your own self critic to put a sock in it. Those little gremlins can be oh so destructive. Always going on and going on but oh my, put that voice in the spotlight and ask – um, just who are you??? And who’s side you on anyways? Keep asking that and funny how that voice seems to shrink to a squeak. Sounds like a rat, looks like a rat, it’s a rat.

  • #103845
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    I have to agree with Braelynn here. There is no way that your children are not observing and listening to his behaviour towards you, and therefore, seeing a wonderful father. If he is insulting you and putting you down in front of your children he is not a wonderful father at all. The longer you stay with this man the more your children will be affected in a negative way. The statistics show that DA has a massive impact on children. I can see you really are in turmoil, but no one can rescue you from your situation. All we can do, and all the other support services and agencies can do, is throw you life lines so that you can help pull yourself out of this dark hole you are in. Your own personal boundary of what is acceptable behaviour has not been breached yet, but once it does get breached, grab those life lines and pull yourself out. No matter what advice you are given, you will only leave when the time is right for you. Please do not be one of those ladies whose time runs out. Many of the ladies who have been murdered are the ones who have lived in the hope that he will change.

  • #103867
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Your kids need a bright happy confident mum and he’s robbing them of that. Please talk to women’s aid about a safe exit plan. Kids learn from their parents so break that cycle in the family and don’t allow your kids to become perpetrators or victims x stay safe x back to baby steps x

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