- This topic has 7 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 years ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Been watching Tangled; there’s a scene where Rapunzal feels guilty for having fun and for feeling pleasure. She’s gleeful at feeling free to be outside for the first time, then she cries saying I am a dreadful person (self loathing), then she takes joy again, followed by more tears of shame, followed by bursts of happiness then guilt ‘I shouldn’t be feeling or doing this’ – it’s selfish. I recognised myself and the abuse from my own mother here and how it conditions a person, how I learnt it’s not ok to simply be myself and feel how I do at any given moment.
Everything I did or wanted to do was wrong, or it was never good enough, I always have and still do feel guilty for spending money or doing things I want to do, I even feel bad for taking my child to new places, as I know mother wouldn’t approve.
Mother taught me I am selfish, and she still tries to impose her oppressive, joyless beliefs on me now. She told me I am selfish for wanting a different life not so long ago – no suprise she has done absolutley nothing at all with hers, no career, no friends, no holidays, no days out, doesn’t spend much at all, she made my dad miserable when he was alive. I actually cant really remember my childhood because I have no memories, every day was the same. I only ever remember feeling fear and wishing I was invisible. Nice work mum. I can remember going into town with her only twice to buy clothes, and knowing she resented it, and I wasnt allowed to dare say what I would like. When a neighbour moved in with an older girl, that stopped, because I had all her hand me downs instead. I remember finding some money on the floor once, think when I was about ten, we handed it in, then when no one claimed it I was given it. I spent it on a large hanging basket she wanted – how mad is that?! Children spend their money on toys dont they?!
Made me think how I carried all this forward unknowingly into the relationship with my abuser. I used to feel guilty for having a good time, guilty for seeing friends – so I stopped. I put him first and worked for him and failed to recognise my own needs, guess because this was selfish. I felt guilty for spending any money on myself, I used to make sure he and the children had everything they wished for, then and only then, on the odd occassion I had some money left, only then would I feel ok-ish to get myself some new clothes or a pair of shoes. I was the highest earner by a long way and so I paid for the home, and what everyone else not only needed, but also what they wanted too. Guess I viewed money as being there to create joy for others, only now I havent got any I can see this was foolish because I didnt save any for my future. I even paid off his debts of around 7000 – what was I thinking? Oh yes, that we’re a family what’s mine is yours, it was just as much my debt now as his so lets get rid of it.
One of the things I noticed about a year after he’d gone was that my wardrobe never looked so good! But even today I still feel guilty spending money on anything really – but I will only notice the presence of this feeling then spend it anyway, but still it rarely if ever feels like a pleasure, it feels sneaky and that I should keep it hidden – like I always did with mother. Bizarre hey, that this is what mother taught me to feel and even though I know it comes from her and that I have no need to feel guilty, it doesnt stop me feeling this way.
She taught me to always think about what she would think first and that it is wrong, that I am not important, I didnt even know I had needs until much later in life; that it’s wrong to want anything – even silly, that it’s wrong to be me, wrong to have dreams – she never even asked if I had any or what I’d like to do in life, so I had no plan, no ambitions, I didnt know I could decide, or have a dream, its very silly and unrealsitic to think you can go for what you want in life in her eyes, life is hard and joyless welcome to adulthood – her beliefs and attitudes and how I precieved what I should and shouldnt do stayed with me, even though I didn’t agree, and this also contributed to me getting stuck in an abusive relationship with him and a bad situation for a long time. I went form the frying pan into the fire.
She killed the true feeling of pleasure for me – made it wrong and I cant seem to fully shake that. The impact of abuse can last a lifetime, especially when learned in childhood. She’s mostly gone now, but she is still in my shadow. Sometimes it feels like all I have known is abuse, but then I think of my friends and people I sometimes meet and this tells me there are some really great, trustworthy, selfless, loving, joyful people in the world and so the battle with myself and life is worth the fight. Maybe one day I will only be surrounded by these kind of folk.
-
This is where im at too fizzy lem; weve educated ourselves to spot abuse out and keep ourselves well clear.My mum was quite selfish abit like what you speak off above. she did have an illness and I know she couldnt really help her disconnection from me. I agree though you crave that love so badly and when the first ‘charmer comes along’ theyve got you hook.line and sinker because this is your rescuer. THe one who is going to fill this huge void. I did that too and now so regret it. the only advice i can give you is rely on yourself, learn to love yourself. Im trying too but i do struggle with my own worth sometimes. My dad also made it very clear that men were superior in our family – i am the only one who ever went to uni on my side but i never get any acclaim for that, i dont really expect any either. we know in ourselves we are good people, we do deserve more. surrund yorself with good people and be the best mum you know you are 🙂 i hope you are ok just wanted to let you know that your not alone xx much love diy mum x
-
Thanks DM, I’d not really thought about that, how I invested in the first charmer to come along, guess I did, sad really hey. I thought he was the one who got me, only I can see now he didnt, as he’s since attacked me for who I am, he just agreed with me in the early phase or said nothing, so I felt we were similar and connected. I wanted us to be the same so that’s what he gave me. He was nothing like me! It was huge relief not be on my own anymore, to have been found, to be normal, to love and be loved. Not so naieve now tho are we!
There were signs there and I ignored them, didnt want to see it. Some things he did to others were cruel and arrogant, but I foolishly thought I am special, so I’m ok, another vulnerabilty, I’d never been special in the eyes of anyone before, this hooked me in completely.
Sometimes feel so very tired of trying to make sense, grow and learn, do you get that? Would like to smell the flowers more instead. I can totes understand why I feel guarded and I dont want to let people in and thus how others think I’m strange. I’ve expereinced abuse in childhood, in my one adult relationship, with my child, and tbh, Ive had some pretty s**t friends at times too, terrible oppressive peer group in school really. I’ve also had to fight at work as I was mistreated there as well – its no wonder I’ll end up on a boat trying to lie low and under the radar hey, amidst nature and in the outdoors lol. I’d be happy with a quiet life now for sure with just a few friends and social activities, that would do me nicely x
-
Don’t put yourself down your special in your own right xx sometimes the wrong people fall by our sides mainly because we haven’t looked at their in tensions first, went in more cautiousLy and spotted the signs before we let them in. We probably thought with our emotions more than with our heads. Well we know now don’t we? I do get you , totally absolutely ☺we will get there I would love a nice quiet country life too, a massive dog to cuddle would do me xx god I can see becoming a recluse ☺ much love diymum 💪 💕 💕 stay strong you know your amazing 😊
-
-
-
Can so relate to this! I’m trying very hard to work on understanding why my mum was the way she was with me. She was an adult with a very toxic best friend and I can’t even begin to explain how many of my ‘issues’ relate back to her. I’m at a point now I’m just tired at always having to work on myself so I now try and ‘check in’ every day. I’m learning to listen to myself, my gut, my feelings and bodies reactions. It’s very tiring huh. I think I feel emotions quite intensely- regardless of the emotion I struggle to express it so have often suppressed in the past. Something else I’m trying to work on. My counsellor told me recently that she knows people in their 70’s still trying to pick apart and find answers for things from their childhoods, and she knows people a lot younger than that who decide to not spend as much time and effort finding answers to their past as they prefer to look towards the future. I’m trying to find balance lol.
SaS -
Hey SAS, gawd! I do hope we’re not in our 70s! Yeah, think I’m done for a long time after this next round of therapy completes. Thinking I can observe others, like people I aspire to be like and learn from them maybe instead? Think I’d much rather learn about other things next, that dont feel so b****y challenging and taxing. I think there is much healing and enjoyment in simply being.
My mum has some kind of mental illness, I think agorophobia among other things, as she never leaves the house and is scared of most things. She’s done nothing with her life and thus can get overly invested in my life and my brothers. She’s manipluative, very judegmental, harsh and miserable. It helps me to think of her as ill, but not before I processed how I felt and the impact she has had on me – I was mad as hell with her for years.
I did go through a phase of forgiveness for a while, and we did have a sort of functioning relationship, after my daughter was born, I had strict boundaries with her and she learnt to keep her opinions to herself and her mouth shut for a long time, but she has since shown me that she has not changed and has been completely self absorbed and vile again over this last year – througha time when I really needed support and kindness – proving again she’s never really ever been there, that she just doesnt know how to be this way.
I actually dont feel any responsibilty at all to care for her in old age now, I will do what I can when I am around yes, but I wont make any adjustments re how I’m living or what I want to do with her in the equation if you get me. I dont wish her any ill, but its now time I focused on my daughter and me and I feel ok now to do this, to set her a drift, as selfish as she may think that is she’ll just have to live with that; we reap what we sow huh, she’s taught me this lesson well, I will nuture my little seedling as much as she needs and I’ll always be there to help x
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
