Mother

[Ayanna]

I join in with the mother problems, hahaha!
I made a phone call, my duty phone call to my parents.

As usual my controlling father picked up the phone and spoke, also on behalf of my mother.
Later he decided to hand the phone over to mother and let me speak to her.
I am probably too overwhelming for him when I speak about patriarchy and male violence, hahaha!

Well, my mother had nothing better to do than blaming me for the abuse that I suffered in my last marriage. She does this every time I speak to her and I am fed up with it.
She blames me for the type of man I chose and she blames me for working instead of staying at home and taking early retirement.
She is so out of this world, sympathetically put.
She has no clue about the hard life women face because she never had to fend for a monthly income. Her husband, my father, has always taken care of her.
She is ill and frail now.
When we were little kids she was physically and emotionally abusive, like my father.
She never accepted that I have a chronic illness since childhood and she never let me see a doctor. I could only start sorting myself out after I had fled the parental home.
Today I decided to tell her about my illness and how this illness had affected all my life.
She was in disbelief and when I finished she was close to tears and said that she felt like collapsing.
Oh well, I had to live with this illness all my life and I achieved a university degree with it and stayed in work.
I cannot feel sorry that she was so affected by what I told her.
She let me collapse and roll on the floor in pain when I was a child and refused to call a doctor or let me see a doctor. She forced me to go to school when I was unable to stand upright.
That illness is not for the faint hearted and it required incredible strength to remain productive and never opt out of work.
I had to suffer it and not her. She watched me and remained cold hearted when I was young.
Maybe she realizes now how isolated and alone I was and how terrible my life was. I am not sure.
I cannot feel sorry for her.
I even do not miss her.
She has failed me.
She failed to protect me from the violence and abuse by my father and joined in when I was young.
She has failed as a mother long ago and the damage that she has done to my soul cannot be undone.
Maybe I can forgive her, but I can never forget.
I grieve for the mother that I never had, but not for her.

[Jupiter]

Hi Ayanna

I read your post now and wanted to say I am sorry you had to live through all that pain.You did not get the love you deserved as a child.You can hold your head up high though as a strong survivor who fights back like a tigress.I know what it is like not to have been mothered and it is shocking to live with this knowledge but all we can do now as adults is learn to mother ourselves with self care and love.This is true healing and takes time to reach a place where we can do this caring automatically so that it is part of our daily life.
I lost a mother in an accident but years later I have found peace for both of us.After some reading I think she (detail removed by Moderator) which explains the lack of empathy and more.Would reading books about the topic help?
You know best what helps and what doesnt. Take care.
Hugs Jupiter xx

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