8th June 2020 at 9:07 pm #105593
Someone asked me to do this and I’m glad to. But you guys are going to help me here, right, right? You just add your stuff as well because I know you got it going on!
One thing I know for sure is when your belly is on the ground and you can barely lift your face up or try and think straight about much of anything……you need Inspiration.
You might think this is funny but………music does that for me. Always has. I can be in my darkest dark and someone puts on a song that makes me want to dance and guess what? I start moving or jerking around. And immediately my attitude changes. I’m an old woman and let me tell you, I do like some rap. Not most of it but some makes me dance around like a fool and I love doing it.
So first thing right out the gate here is – find your music. Have it easily accessible to you. Play it, play it loud, get your groove on and make it happen. Even if you have to go in the bathroom to get away from whoever. Put your earbuds in and get down on it!
I dance when driving. Surprised I haven’t been pulled over yet…. I also scream with the windows down sometimes. I just cut it loose! Cuss whoever and whatever OUT! Did that a redlight one time. Wasn’t wise……. people ran…….ut oh.
We gotta find our center when in times of stress. Whatever that is. POWs found theirs, we can find ours. We have to have an outlet and we have to let people know when They are impinging on OUR boundaries of having a life. Not okay that they get to have all the say. I can make noise too and I can make whoever’s life miserable “too”. It’s a two way street last time I checked. My life is just as important as anyone else’s.
So girlfriends!!! Let’s be about getting US back! We are a force to be reckoned with but I reckon no one will ever know that if we don’t let that woman out of her shackles! Go have a dance party in your bathroom. Blare that music in your earbuds. Come out with a smile on your face and go – ohhhh, you WISH you knew what I was up to in there! LOL!
8th June 2020 at 9:25 pm #105595
One more thing here that I absolutely cannot stress enough because it’s a truth set in granite……When you decide that you are “done” and that is absolute in you – you have just decided to Be a force to be reckoned with and trust me when I say, the whole universe stands up and listens to you. It does.
Mountains have been totally removed for me and my way made clear when I was in a horrific situation a few times but I know for a fact it was because of my resolution and will. I do. No sitting on the fence. Not me thinking ohhhh how have I hurt “them”, how can I make “them” see, understand, etc. Uh no. None of that. None of it. I had to just say – I’m done, so done. I am getting out, come hell or high water and that’s it. You either move or I will run you over.
Done talking, done reasoning, done hearing lies, living with lies, done going round in circles, done chasing my tail and theirs. Just done.
When you get there – then……the powers that are, can help. And they Do.
Doors open and when you walk through another one opens. We have power we don’t know we have because we’ve been taught to believe we are powerless. Well………only a coward and a lying predator would tell you that because they are afraid that you will get wise and you will use your power and then Bam, they have none over you. It’s true. They are fearful of “you” should you ever get wind of your own power and own it.
Been there, done that and it’s so fun to see them go – Uh oh…….she sees me now.
You might have to really dig your heels in because they might be up for a fight but whatever. Dig them in. Outlast them. Fear will paralyze you. Don’t let it. They don’t want you to know what you are really capable of. When you really understand that is them that fear you, it puts a very different spin on everything. Then you can pull back and go ummm, nooo, I don’t think so. I’m going to pull out your fangs and stop you from feeding on me, take back my energy and use it for myself and no, I truly don’t care what you think about that.
8th June 2020 at 10:00 pm #105602BuddyParticipant
I put my favourite music in and go for a run .. it makes me feel alive like unbelievably alive .. I can not recommend exercise enough during hard times xx
8th June 2020 at 10:16 pm #105605
Right? It blows out the pipes!!! You Go girl!!!
8th June 2020 at 10:32 pm #105607
8th June 2020 at 11:32 pm #105612
Turn it UP! Blast it!! Iliketea!!
You know……I have to say, I am more about Offense than Defense. Meaning that – you’re not always in the position of defending yourself. Interesting subject for abuse victims, eh?
But you do have to have yourself grounded in that you are worthy here. If you don’t have a good self esteem you can’t do offense. You’re too busy licking your wounds, crouching for the next hit and reeling from the aftermath.
To me offense means……I know who I am, what I need and what I don’t need. Meaning that instead of worrying about what someone is going to do to upset me, I concentrate more on what I want… What I need. My drive isn’t about defending myself, it’s about getting my needs met. Not about meeting someone else’s. If I can do that and it’s mutual then fine. You do for me, I do for you. But no, no, not when it’s all about you and I can go pound sand.
Predatory people play offense all the time and they count on you playing endless defense. You have to make your mark in this world. Pee on your territory. Be proud of it when you do. That’s MY pee. This is what it means. That I have boundaries. Don’t cross them. If you do, you get squat from me except a hard line of non compliance. Afterall a partnership is supposed to be just that, right? So yeah no. I don’t get crumbs for what I do and then beg not to be abused. Not happening.
I’m putting my whatever out there. This is what I want, what I need and it’s what I’m going to have. Every day I’m going to be about making that happen, not worrying about what your crazy butt is going to do to me if I don’t please you! No, no. Worry about pleasing me or get away from me. It’s a two way street here, if you’re not playing, I’m not either.
If we don’t demand respect, we’re not going to get it. Just a fact. And whoever is doing the abusing will actually despise you if you keep getting conned and coming back for more. Who needs that? I can promise you there are 10 men out there who would treat you well and replace this nitwit henceforth and be happy to do so.
But we can’t see them as long as we are examining our navel and theirs. Nothing in there but fuzz and fog. And we really do have to be healthy ourselves before even looking for a man. If we’re not then we are like bait to any shark trolling. You have to be solid in your own right before doing that one. Prolly the reason we end up in the hole in the first place, right? Every time I’ve made a bad decision with a man, I was weak at the time so there you go. It happens. Forgive yourself, get over it. Correct it. You don’t have to live a life sentence here, right?
Tap, tap into that woman that’s in there. Let her out for Pete’s sake! Lots of lots of female energy in there that’s not being used! Put on those tap shoes. Bang it out on the floor. Let everyone hear you say, I am woman, hear me Roar!! If they don’t like it then they are free not to listen or observe. YOU have every right to BE here and to be free!
I have my blaster now set on go. And I fire even when not fired upon. Why? Just to let people know I am here, locked and loaded. Crazy as a loon (or so I want them to think) just so they know I’m watching, listening, aware. No more sitting and waiting for another strike. LOL! I can hunt, just like they can. It’s about mindset ladies……..because once you have that in place, they smell it on you and they really won’t want to come your way. That’s playing Offense.
9th June 2020 at 12:59 am #105615Lotuslight36Participant
Hi ladies hope Ur all doing well n staying positive n strong –
Wow braelyn u have amazing strong energy n thank u so much for the tips, love music too gets me happy mood n releases feel good endorphins inspiration and motivation 👌👌👌💜👍 and yes u r 2000% right they can’t handle what we are capable of n they get insecure when we stand up to them yes enuff of their threats, intimidation and mind games my husband is a mouse – nice,quiet to everyone n fake in community n they don’t know what he is like behind close doors.
Tried to put fear but nah I’m not having none of that he playing a nasty mind game n thinks he can get a ego kick out of it , yes we have to put ourselves first n be 500% strong healthy full of live and vitality as these twisted creepy men will deplete our energy well mine does no matter how much u do they will always find a fault. My hub is an energy thief he feeds of my positive vibe aura n gets jealous when I’m in a happy positive upbeat mood n he would rather I was on edge fearful scared anxious n not productive or energetic he is pathetic 🙄
Few years back he would get jealous of my clothes I wear and very insecure I’m not like that n I’m so loyal kind natured n full of love but his dark thoughts energy n jealously kept creeping in n he would say nasty things n I noticed a few times my clothes were ripped/torn n I thought It was the washing machine but then my trousers I would find a rip in coat inside sleeve, my dress, my bag, I would have to give to my mum to sew them up on her machine . Anyone else had their clothes/ stuff damaged?
U think u know a person n they will treat u right but no u cant have expectations n my gut feeling was right (detail removed by moderator) ago I had a niggling feeling after we got married why ? I just put it down to nerves mayb I was innocent naive “in love” but my heart now says he the wrong man n if someone loved u they wouldn’t do hurtful nasty things n words can have effect on u N men who don’t respect women or value their wives are a Poor disgusting example of mankind, n getaway with it n show the world a fake image of them being polite, nicely spoken, n they need to be taught a lesson n we need to give justice to all the wrong doings on the world n do it for Ourselves and our children n their futures 💜💛💛
Deffo agree Braelyn there is more opportunities once u close door to the old issues , hurt , past , new ppl opportunities arrive at Ur door . I love your strength mindset n Ur fearless attitude we owe it to ourselves never to be a door mat for no man n respect is earned n they have no right to harm or control us – I’m a strong believer in karma and what u sow, u shall reap so law of attraction , these nasty unkind cruel men have no idea that God universe the one u believe always has Ur back n will protect u no matter what I have 1000% faith belief n determination in god and that my hubby will never ever ruin or take away my spirit joy happiness peace as the problems are with him n he needs to accept n stop the lies game playing insecurity n be A real MAN as a real men don’t abuse , hurt, play games, make a woman cry, they value n respect their everything esp they’re tears -,. they know understand Ur feelings and heart 💜Hopefully one day I find my true angel n knight in shining armour who will be my all n love is so much stronger than anything material n it’s true love not this conditional favour game stuff 🙈
Peace love light n strength
Keep praying n take care of health 👌👌👌
Focus on our inner selves n keep being strong
Stay happy & smiling 😊
Dance play music be joyful
9th June 2020 at 1:43 am #105619
You Rock Lotuslight36!!! You GO!! Love it, love it, love it!!! Just be like a little piggy and roll around in it! LOL! I’m a nut, everyone knows it. Anyways, Amen to everything you said, omg… No little fire in your belly, more like a volcano!! Hey, we’ve been robbed here but the buck stops where it needs to stop because we say it needs to stop. End of.
Little cowardly weasles with little man syndrome. Yuch! I’d rather cuddle up to a rock or be by myself. I like my own company, prefer more than I don’t. I’m not so much a believer in karma as far as this life is concerned because I’ve seen so many evil creatures who never got theirs and lived long lives getting everything they want. But hey, never said anything about the lives afterwards or what comes next, right? 🙂
I don’t really care to be honest. All I know is those people are so not welcome in my life. You keep sticking your nose in my stuff and look to get it cut off.
We so gotta trust our gut instincts because it’s right on the money. That has saved my life a few times and if I told you the stories, not sure you’d believe me. They were quite fantastic. But you have to make your intuition loud “by” listening to it. You don’t need a computer printout about why, you don’t need anyone else to agree, you don’t need anything except your inner voice said this and you obeyed it. That’s all.
What we really don’t realize is that we do a nanosecond kind of scan on someone when we meet them. It’s primal and very real. We size them up. Based on how they stand, how they gesture, their grain of their voice, eye contact or no eye contact, their smell, etc. Now we can either learn to respect that or discount it. A good book for you is – The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. There’s a pdf out there. But basically what he teaches is this very thing. He interviews people who actually knew their attacker way way before it happened. They sensed it…….knew it. I don’t know how many times, I feel something and I just stop and do something else. I might not ever know what I avoided but I do obey it.
It’s your very very best friend. And that part of you, obviously “knows you” so it will warn you to impending doom. And regarding your knight, hey, when you are a bright light other bright lights see that. Yes, yes, predators do too but you have to be wise, let time be your friend, no letting a charmer charm you. Those who have real charm don’t have to play that game. And they have boundaries “too” so they aren’t interested in doing that. You just gotta put that high price tag on yourself because if you don’t no one will. Nice to hear from you!!! You got a whole ton of sunshine going on there! Spread it around here anytime!
9th June 2020 at 1:20 pm #105653HazydayzParticipant
🎶 Hearing that sweet music… Getting our rhytm going! Party on…beat our drums!💃💞💃
10th June 2020 at 5:04 pm #105857
How about making a list, just three things. Those things consisting of what you think are the most vital things to your wellbeing? Not talking about things like food, clothing and shelter, money.. But all those other things. Not going to give hints because this needs to come from – you.
10th June 2020 at 5:58 pm #105866HazydayzParticipant
Freedom… to express being me, feeling and seeing as I do. Feeling…connected with others and them with me too. Believing… in hope and in love and in dreams that come true. That’s me💞
15th June 2020 at 9:54 am #106409YellowBirdParticipant
Braelynn you are a tonic, your roaring fire of life is contagious!
I love your concept of choosing 3 vital parts of me. 3 is just the cream of the crop of many, I’m noticing, now that I’m looking at all of my wonderful best aspects!
10th June 2020 at 5:20 pm #105859Wants To HelpParticipant
Trust, Reliability, Laughter
10th June 2020 at 6:14 pm #105869
Good ones! Keep them coming!
11th June 2020 at 10:55 am #105924
Being Heard, Being Free, Nature and Happiness (Laughing, Smiling, Giggling, Joking)
11th June 2020 at 5:24 pm #105987
Excellent! So, we just have to keep these things bumped up to the top of our list at all times. Too much of the time, they are at the bottom. I don’t know if we see them as things we can do without or not that important or just treats we give ourselves now and then but – they shouldn’t be treated like that, right? And if it’s not happening then we have to be just as committed to doing something about it as we are if we don’t have food, clothing or shelter.
A good kewl thing to do is – make get some old leather, old handbag or coat, whatever and cut out a circle about the size of a placemat but a circle. Then paint lines dividing it up into slices of pie. One for each part of your life like health, job, finances, relationship, children, etc., all the aspects of your life. You’d need to write that down and draw it out before you actually make this. Leave a little circle in the center about the size of small candle holder. Label the pieces of pie of course. Then either get some little candles to go in each one or get some lovely rocks you hand select or crystals.
Then if you want to take this with you on a nature walk, it’s very good to do. You just roll it up, have a pretty tie for it with beads or whatever and carry your pouch with candles, stones, etc. Then you sit and you reflect on each part of you and what’s going on in that room…? You light the candle then or place the rock and go focus on the next one. Go all around the wheel until you’re done, then you light the candle in the center. Burning some white sage is nice too. I have a tiny little singing bowl that fits in my palm that’s nice too. But basically it’s all about making yourself accountable to yourself and making sure that every part of this holistic wheel is open and active.
If you want it to spin correctly, that wheel can’t be lopsided. As in, paying attention over here but not over there. A little something has to be going on in each area for the wheel to pick up good momentum and actually spin at it’s optimum. We don’t need no wobble going on. And it doesn’t have to be alot that’s going on in each area, just that you are going there, giving it your attention and doing something about whatever. It’s just nice to have something that’s kind of a ritual that you do in order to stay centered.
11th June 2020 at 6:11 pm #105995
One other thing I wanted to mention is – patterns. In ourselves. When we do start thinking differently and not succumbing to those old patterns, we are in effect, laying new ruts in the road and it’s bumpy going at first because they will of course be laid crossways over the old ones. And our little wagon is going to want to go right back where the old ruts are because it’s easier and smoother.
But time spent – levels the new one out and makes it smooth. Interesting to note that if you’re not feeding that other dog anymore of course you’re going to hear it bark now and then. But what I’ve found to be true is – it’s more like an echo and doesn’t grip me like it once did. I don’t have this overwhelming need to go and feed it. It’s like yeah, yeah, I hear you. Trash in, trash out. Like watching a blurb run across your T.V. screen. You see it, say bye to it and don’t touch it and make it yours. I do acknowledge though and it happens. It does. I laugh and say to myself, no, no, you touch that and I’ll show you what self harm looks like! LOL!
14th June 2020 at 12:21 pm #106309
Living an Authentic Life…..
I remember my first hero…….it was Helen Keller. And of course Annie Sullivan as well. Checked out the book “The Silent Storm” from the school library when I was 10. Devoured every word. I was in such horrible child abuse that the only one who kept my head about the surging waters was – Helen. If she could do what she did, I can do what I need to do.
She lived authentically. Can’t think of a better example than – her. I found this writing online from a therapist and thought I would share it with you.
How we might unconsciously learn to live from a ‘false self ‘ during childhood, versus our true, ‘authentic self’, so as to experience a sense of attachment and belonging with our primary caregivers (which are most often our parents). While repressing core parts of ourselves that are deemed unacceptable by those caring for us may in fact be necessary for our survival while we are dependent children, this can contribute to a variety of mental and emotional difficulties, both in childhood and as an adult, that may eventually need to be examined and addressed in therapy.
I place great emphasis on exploring egoic-driven adaptive (survival) behaviors learned in childhood that may have resulted in dysfunctional attachment patterns and how this might have resulted in our living from a ‘false self’, versus our true, authentic ‘core nature’. As children we are often conditioned to sacrifice our natural creative spontaneity, our authentic ‘core’, or ‘center’, so as to maintain some sort of connection with our primary caregiver(s) – most often our parents. This is a mostly unconscious process, – somehow we innately ‘know’ that if we are our most full and vibrant self, we are in danger of losing connection with those we depend upon for our emotional and physical survival.
Attachment to others is a critical aspect of our childhood development. The healthy formation of our (egoic / socialized) ‘self’ depends on it. We learn very early on in life that we must appease our primary caregiver(s) at all cost; we therefore morph ourselves and allow ourselves to be reshaped into what we are expected by them to be. Thus, a ‘false’ (and at times ‘idealized’ and/or ‘shamed / humiliated’) self develops, and we become separated from our unique, authentic ‘true nature’. This is especially true if we are feeling threatened or unsafe; it is therefore the case that children who grew up in dysfunctional / toxic / abusive home environments may grow into adults who are living nearly entirely as a ‘false’ self, with all of the negative consequences (e.g., addiction, codependency, self-esteem issues, suffering from ‘imposter syndrome‘, etc).
In a sense, an unspoken, unconscious agreement is made in the child’s quest for acceptance, connection, attachment, and love: “If I become what you want and need me to be, you will love me and not abandon me or reject me.” The natural, free self is suppressed and hidden so that the child might fit in and experience a sense of belonging and familial harmony. But this (false) harmony comes at a cost to the child: We have lost all ability to live as our true and natural self.
This process of giving up the self in an attempt to receive love is in actuality an adaptive survival response. It might serve the child for a time as a means of coping within their family-of-origin – But such adaptive survival responses cannot possibly serve them as an adult. Alternatively, if we don’t adapt and ‘go along to get along’, i.e, if we choose authenticity over attachment and ‘rebel’ against the demands of the power-holders in our family-of-origin, we can be seen as emotionally and/or mentally unstable, dangerous, threatening, ‘different’, difficult, ‘needy’, selfish, ‘cold’, unloving, ‘narcissistic’, unreasonable, etc. Our being authentic may even result in our being abused (mentally, emotionally, and even physically).
Whether the child chooses to play the role the parents are comfortable with, or whether they choose to rebel, they will face pain either way – thus, the child exists in a ‘double bind’ / Catch 22 situation where s/he is ‘d****d if they do, d****d if they don’t’. As the child grows older, choosing him or herself, i.e., choosing to be authentic, may also mean choosing to distance themselves from their family: For what the system cannot control or accept (due to feeling threatened), it will reject and eject (specifically, the ‘rebelling’ child will most likely be scapegoated and/or cut-off / shunned by his or her own family). Either the adult child in such a situation sacrifices his or her own truth to ease tensions with the parent (or other family members, including siblings and extended family), or he remains authentic, and suffers the consequence of lost connection and attachment with those who are supposed to love him/her the most.
It should be noted that the impulse to shape and socialize a child and quell the child’s natural, creative expression is not consciously chosen by the parent, but is in fact an unconscious reaction. Meaning, it is an automatic response, versus being conscious and intentional on the parent’s part. Often the parent is re-enacting their own past by projecting their own process of lost authenticity onto their children – repeating a pattern that has likely been passed down for generations.
Like it or not, our childhood attachment styles and adaptive responses on some level determine our fate. Our survival responses, when they overpower our authentic nature, become an unconscious blueprint for how we will or will not connect and attach in our future relationships – especially our most intimate ones. We remain unaware of the core ‘primal wound’ that supports our ‘survival identity’, and yet this relational wound unconsciously guides our attachment process with others, leading us to repeat generational attachment patterns.
14th June 2020 at 8:41 pm #106364
Going to post this a few places because it was a lightbulb moment for me… Sometimes finding the words for things, how you can you say blah, blah….
Something just hit me here, was watching a movie about a manipulative, very charming guy in this woman’s life, who turned out to be a total snake….but, people who aren’t empathy based, who have none, I think we so believe that they do because of the pleasure they get conning us and lovebombing us in the beginning. We do see pleasure and I do think that’s very real, so it confuses us, but what we we don’t know it’s true orientation. What is it rooted in? We assume that they are like us and it’s because they love us, too and all that but what if the joy is related to a job/con well done? What if all that total loveliness that we see from them stems from that and that alone? Good question. We mistake it for something it’s not. Then later when things get ugly we get all confused about what we saw as real and we defend it. Well, it was real but “why” they felt all that may be a totally different reason than we assumed it was.
14th June 2020 at 8:53 pm #106371
A Fall From Grace movie on Netflix.
14th June 2020 at 9:14 pm #106374
I absolutely do Not advocate this kind of violence and retaliation at all. But it’s interesting to see how it happened. And how good these men are at what they do. I have known a few men like this and they are extremely treacherous but oh so so good at what they do. Men who are genuine don’t need to slime us so quick and all that. They don’t need to. Don’t want to. Isn’t necessary to them. So we kinda look at them sometimes like they are dull because we don’t get that kind of Rush from them that we do from the used car salesman. We might want to re-think that. This character in the movie was killing her slowly. It was a murder in progress, very much so. She should have left way before it got to where it did.
15th June 2020 at 11:02 am #106412HeadspinningParticipant
Do something constructive in your space once it becomes your space again. Get a tin of paint in a colour you choose all in your own, get those tunes turned up and redefine your space! Get some photos of you in happy moments and put them in frames. And if you don’t have happy moments get some pictures of places you want to go!
Clear out anything that reminds you of the abuser. Repurpose shelves to have what you want on them.
Buy some new bed linen that is just yours.
Put some flowers in pots at your door. But yourself a bunch of flowers for your hall from the supermarket.
Basically create a new environment for your new start!
27th June 2020 at 11:30 am #107775
Bumping for the women who are doubting, for the women who are wondering, for the women who need some reassurance. Reach out when you feel comfortable, there will always be somewhere here to listen. @braelynn is the one of the amazing women here (amongst too many to mention) who has amazing advice and will give it to you big and bold with a huge load of kindness, love, support and straight talking humour xx
27th June 2020 at 5:22 pm #107822
That was sweet of you. We have sooooo many incredible women here who knock my socks off all the time. I bow to you guys, I really do. Even in the thick of it you guys will come out with amazing words of insight and just authenticity! I love all that. Amazing Sisterhood here!
27th June 2020 at 6:09 pm #107837
It’s music for me too Braelyn. I put together a playlist with the help of the ladies on here. All the songs mean something to me; lots of them are about life after an abusive relationship and how strong we are afterwards, also songs just about loving yourself, being strong and being happy. It’s a real pick me up.
27th June 2020 at 6:12 pm #107838
These were all recommended if anyone wants them. You just pick and chose the ones that work for you.
Any additions to the list are always welcome:
Nina Simone – Feeling Good.
Shania Twain – Black eyes, blue tears.
Florence and the Machine – Dog days
Meghan Trainor – Me too.
Elton John – I’m still standing.
Lesley Gore – You don’t own me.
Gloria Gaynor – I will survive.
Read all about it, Part III’ by Emily Sandé
*Jar of Hearts’ by Christina Perri
*Like a drug’ by Hard-FI
Just be’ by Tiësto
*Mona “Shooting the Moon”
PVRIS “My House”
*Janet Jackson “What About”
*Pendulum “The Tempest”, “Witchcraft” and “Crush”
Fall Out Boy “Champion”
*The Offspring “You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid
Halestorm “I Am The Fire”
Don’t worry, be happy.
I can see clearly now – Johnny Nash
Think – Arethra Franklin
Respect – Arethra Franklin
Tomorrow – The Communades
Louis Armstrong – Wonderful world
Strong – Mark Kingswood
Sorry – Karine Polwart
Roar – Katy perry
*Cowboy Casanova – Carrie Underwood
Miss Montreal – writing stories
Sia – Alive
Keysha – Praying
*Adele – Set fire to the rain
Sia – Unstoppable
Jason Mraz – Living in the moment
Dog days are over – Florence and the machine
Lips are movin – Megan Trainor
That boys no good for you. – Megan Trainor
27th June 2020 at 6:15 pm #107840
Oh, also “Me too” by Meghan Trainor
27th June 2020 at 8:16 pm #107848Soulsearcher18Participant
Great stuff everyone, I will check out some of the songs.
Really interesting posts Braelynn, love the leather circle and candle idea, not sure I would do it but would love to really. I think I will check out some online mindfulness videos. I need something to help me take a step back and refocus.
I find sometimes things just feel so big and overwhelming but I just need to get perspective. It also really does hurt when you are stood there shouting from the rooftops after such a long time but you’re not listened to, or worse (not on here of course- outside of here I mean). I have to find a way to deal with that.
I find listening to music of my youth- like my teen years helps- takes me back to when I was free and before it all got so complicated.
I’m looking forward to some time outdoors on my own very soon. Go chill out with the trees for a bit, listen to what they got to say…yep, I know- weird.
GROUP COURSES/COUNSELLING/PARENTING COURSES & SUPPORT
I have done some group therapy courses but I’m ready for counselling now. I would say to anyone trying to get out, or having got out- put your name down on these lists as it all takes a while and whilst you may not feel ready, or be unsure- by the time it actually comes up, you may need and want it. It is good to have the choice and the option.
It is difficult at the moment as all support is over the phone but I highly recommend WA support groups, freedom and recovery groups etc, power to change, Domestic Violence and children. Also any parenting courses and support- you may not feel that you need it but is is surprising how much DV affects everything and it is a good opportunity to reflect.
I found reading in the early days helped- I read Educated by Tara Westover, I also read Normal People by Sally Rooney- way before the TV programme was made but both of those books were apt choices really. I’ve also read a Young adults book recently- borrowed it from my child-it was called Bearmouth by Liz Hyder. I couldn’t put it down, the way it questioned the system. You may realise why that one appealed!
There are parts of Harry Potter also which strike a chord and I think JK is so clever-not a set of books I would have chosen to read but it is a must in our household and I am glad of it. I like the messages within it very much.
There’s another book too which I haven’t read as I am waiting my turn for it but I know I am going to love it and I think it would appeal possibly to a few. Especially those who get peace from nature. I will post again as I can’t for life of me remember title at the moment.
In more recent months, reading up about Domestic Violence has helped using some of the books mentioned on the Book List on here.
I find writing helpful, especially when really frustrated. Sometimes I’ve not even had the words so I’ve ended up doing cartoons- stick drawings and other drawings just to get it out. I’m no artist but I do like drawing. I also seem to have drawn a lot of trees and leaves.
On courses I have done things like a motivational stone which we wrote motivational quotes on and decorated. I found this helpful and carried it around with me in the early days in my bag.
I’ve also used some healing crystals at certain particularly stressful times, just to remind me to breath and to refocus.
29th June 2020 at 11:30 am #108090
Hi, I’m a survivor of domestic abuse. And I’ve been abuse-free for a long while now.
The scars were still running deep though and I still found myself worrying every day and hurting from the past and going over everything in my head.
However; this morning I have woke up and feel a changed woman. I am free, my daughter and I are so happy and safe! And I am so proud of myself that I stood up to him and did what was best for my daughter!
He can’t control me anymore, and I am not letting it worry me anymore or affect me. I am building a happy life for my daughter and I.
So, this may sound silly, but I actually just blasted the song “Let it Go” from Frozen! Haha! And I sung at the top of my lungs, hand gestures and everything!
Main line that gave me goosebumps:
“And the fears that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all. It’s time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through! No right, no wrong, no rules for me! I’M FREE!!”
“I’m never going back! The past is in the past! Let it go! Let it go! And I’ll rise like the break of dawn! Let it go! Let it go! That perfect girl is gone! Here I stand in the light of DAY!!”
I’m in a fab empowered mood now! Thanks Elsa! x
30th June 2020 at 12:50 am #108182
I just love you ladies!! You put such a big smile on my face just now! Loving all this wonderful positive energy! Wow! We are women hear us Roar!
One of my favorite quotes……..Fate whispers to the Warrior, you cannot withstand the storm. The Warrior whispers back – I am the storm. – by Jake Remington.
30th June 2020 at 1:00 am #108183Soulsearcher18Participant
Yes Littledove, I love that you had that moment- perfect! Long awaited and so well deserved. Here’s to many more moments like that too. Your daughter will be joining in with you and in awe and admiration of her mama’s magnificent strength. Go girls! xx
Yes Braelynn- I know that one, strong-good quote. We are a storm here absolutely.
So, I managed to get a dose of nature, hugged a few trees and am feeling a little more recharged and focused.
30th June 2020 at 8:09 am #108222
Lovely words Soulsearcher thank you x
And that’s great! I always feel so much better and calmer and more at peace after being out in nature, well done 😊
30th June 2020 at 10:24 am #108236
Song – ‘Fight Song’ by Rachel Platten
30th June 2020 at 11:36 am #108240
Beyoncé – Listen (so emotional, made me cry)
Beyoncé – Best Thing I Never Had
Beyoncé – If I Were A Boy
Basically Beyoncé is a queen👸🏽
30th June 2020 at 5:49 pm #108282
I’ve been thinking about codependency and trying to think of a way to explain it a little better because I think we hear the word and we kinda get it but maybe not so much. So I thought I’d write something about it here…. I might copy and paste and put it in other places. Anyways, see if this clicks with any of you?
Codependency is a really harmful little thing we do. Upon choosing our mate, which we do, just like they choose us – we somehow assign their happiness and wellbeing to “us”, it’s our responsibility. So here we are giving ourselves a kind of godlike power that we just don’t have. They are ever so glad to let us assume that position however. So once that is in place in us, guess what? Every time it is clear that “they aren’t happy about something, that we displease them in some way, that their feelings are hurt, or they are failing at something, etc., then – it’s our fault, right? Because of course it is. We have happily taken on that responsibility to not let this happen. So we go above and beyond trying to be their everything, their savior, their this, their that and when they get angry or upset – well, we are failing in our job, right? It was never ours in the first place! That is codependency in a nutshell.
When we leave them and should be all happy and everything, we still deal with (especially right afterwards) this insane feeling of failure but this is the “reason why” we feel that way. We failed. That’s how we feel. It’s like saying how come I was never good enough, how come he couldn’t love me like I loved him, how come he’s not grateful for everything I did for him, how come no matter what I did it never worked? It would be like taking a job out in life and being sooo underqualified for it that it was perposterous, and there would be no chance of you succeeding in it. But for whatever reason, you thought you could be a doctor and yet you had no training whatsoever at being a doctor but they hired you anyways and off you went. Of course you failed miserably but you tried tried tried to fix them, heal them because in your mind – you – had the power and skills to do so and they were “your” responsibility. It’s exactly like that – being in a relationship where you are codependent with another.
We don’t have those godlike powers. Each person is responsible for themselves and it’s not reciprocal with someone who is abusive and predatory. They are happy as a pig in mud to allow you to assume this kind of position. And loving it when you start having all these feelings of failure, misery, depression. This………should never be a job we sign up for so we have to quit the job. In our heads, in our thoughts, in our choices, in our patterns of thinking and being. We have to turn in our notice and quit before we are fired, before we do more damage to ourselves. There are times in life when quitting something like this isn’t a bad thing. We didn’t fail because this position was set up for failure from the very beginning.
30th June 2020 at 5:56 pm #108284
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 amazing description and to a T
30th June 2020 at 6:22 pm #108286
I’m so glad Littledove! Was this a key for you? Do I hear some rattling and clattering about in your belfry? Some things getting vibrated loose, patterns getting destroyed, structures torn loose? 🙂
1st July 2020 at 7:36 pm #108407
I’ve been noticing alot that women say – I didn’t have physical abuse, just mental and emotional abuse. It got me thinking about how we try to put things in compartments and it’s actually not true…
When we have emotional abuse – it is also mental abuse and it becomes physical because all the stress harms us physically.
When we have mental abuse it becomes emotional and physical abuse because it affects us on those levels as well.
When we have financial abuse all of the above are at play as well. If we are not doing well then our finances can go crazy, we lose our job, can’t focus or they are spending like no tomorrow or living off of us, etc.
So bottomline to me here is – Abuse is Abuse and it affects us on all levels at once. They want us to think in such ways of putting things in boxes, or saying well my abuse isn’t as bad as someone else’s because he didn’t hit me, or he’s this or that. I’d rather just climb out of the boxes and stop comparing someone else’s abuse like it somehow means our abuse isn’t on the scale of being all that bad by comparison.
If we are here and posting and in distress and pain then – we are already in a world of hurt and we are screaming all that. Even with our self doubt, we know we are on fire if we are here posting. We, as women, have a higher threshold for pain so we usually are in horrific pain before we say anything about it, right ladies? That’s me, straight up. Because of my abuse growing up, too, I tend to suck it up. My doctors always say, omg, why haven’t you come in sooner?? And I’m like – oh, it wasn’t that bad, I just dealt with it. I have been in such physical pain before that nothing worked on me. No shot of pain killer or pain killers by mouth either. I waited too long to go in. And my excuses about not going in was the abused little girl talking.
Whatever box you want to put your abuse in, please know that you can tick all the other boxes off as well because one is absolutely connected to all the other ones.
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