Moving on

[Poppety]

Hi I’m new here, just searching for some clarity and advice on how to move on.i was in a relationship with someone for nearly (detail removed by Moderator)  years. For that time I was constantly in a cycle of the most intense love to the extreme coldness of discard I’d ever encountered. I’d been made to feel not good enough to commit to in anyway, jokes were made about finding stairs if ever I got pregnant even when it did happen and I went through an abortion alone because he was emotionally unavailable, the jokes continued after that knowing how difficult that choice was for me. Ive had the constant cycle of withdrawing all affection, love and attentiveness for no apparent reason,constantly blowing hot and cold leaving me questioning and being in turmoil constantly, then when I was questioning if eveything was okay, was there anything wrong with me knowing the effect it was having on me, it was always I’m looking too far into things, then all of a sudden he’d discard the relationship blaming that I was miserable and he couldn’t give me more but eventually admitted to having a downer about women and I feel I’ve had the brunt of that during the on/off time with him. But always left with no real answers or accountability on the make up. For weeks/months I’d be searching for clarity to make sense of why that happened. When I’d finally give up the chase and was no longer stroking his ego, he’d come back and make it clear he had the opportunity to be with other people but it wasn’t me and use other tactics to manipulate me back in through promises the full on lovebombing and even use sex as a weapon, sometimes quite full on but I never said no because that was me having the ‘love’ and affection he’d withheld for so long before the breakup. He’d continue to make joking comments about how I’m crazy, all women are crazy, how I’m a dirty little w***e and being from a certain estate I would know what it’s like as they start young there (also knowing full well I was sexually abused as a child for a number of years), I’ve been told just before a discard he’s not sure if he loves me or loved me at all, but went on to say how much he loved his ex and she was all he ever needed but also saying when I was questioning why the lack of distance that he did love me, caused so much confusion I did feel crazy. He cheated on me and swore on his children’s lives he hadn’t, he attempted to go back to his ex and came back to mine afterwards to cry on my shoulder with a sob story about how she’s taking the kids away and I consoled him not knowing he had attempted to get back with her (detail removed by Moderator). He put me in that continuous cycle for years and I still belived I could still make it with him because I’ve seen his “good” side. When he came back (detail removed by Moderator) years ago he promised he wanted to commit and manipulated me into believing we could buy a house together so I stupidly moved myself and my child in with him and sold all my possessions, I genuinly thought we’d made it. Cracks started to show straight away where I had no control over the TV but again I never did when he stayed over at mine. I was crazy screamed at one night because (detail removed by Moderator) he didn’t speak to me for days after that because it was my tone after he’d had a go at me that set him off. He’d already picked twice before over using certain cutlery and didn’t speak to me for days. The feelings of anxiety/stress during the hypervigilant stage were the exact if not I remember them more intensely than waiting to be sexually abused when I was younger the constant “is it going to happen again, if so when”, “is he changing towards me because he’s going to abandon me or is he just having an off day”.. It was constant overthinking, turmoil and heartbreak. He’d make no effort to do things as a couple but would always find time to go out on other invitations. There was a stage of being hot and cold again and he was withholding sex, affection (detail removed by Moderator). He eventually threw me and my child out of his house because he wanted to move to be closer to his kids, I understood but wasn’t going to go with him after everythjng. He went cold, again withholding any type of affection or decency, completely ignoring me like I didn’t exist in the house, he’d turn himself away from me and wouldn’t even acknowledge my presence until he finally wanted sex (of course I’d give in, it was the attention I’d been deprived of for weeks) but after I told him(detail removed by Moderator) and threw us out. He came back again months later promising me eveything that I’d ever wanted with him but this time something had changed in me, as much as I wanted to believe this could work, I couldn’t give in like I had previously I didn’t have it in me and he gave me a reason not to believe him as he’d contradicted his promises in a matter of days. He moved on within a few weeks after my attempt of wanting him back(how stupid I feel I done that after everything). But I still felt addicted to him and wanted the “good” part of him to want me back because that part was always the best (until the cycle). Was it also normal for me to constantly want any indication he was going to leave or there was someone else? Was that normal for me to be intensely fixated on him? Even after all the heartache and turmoil he’d caused?
Is it normal for me to now have feelings of anxiety to the point I’m waking up with raised heart rate, sweating and feeling the exact same anxiety I felt during that relationship during the worst times, I’m constantly looking for indications that he is capable of committing to someone. I’m having moments of flashbacks of the times I was made to feel worthless and worried about him leaving to the point I’m depressed and feel like I’m not sure how much longer I can feel like this. I’ve booked an appointment to see a psychotherapist and I’m hoping I can have the help to move on from feeling like this. How did you manage how you felt after this type of behaviour? I’m still not even sure if it’s abuse or I was being dramatic but I do know the emotional, physical and mental impact it’s had on me. Please help! I want to be the person I was before I met him, Im dissapointed in the person who I have become and I’ve allowed a man to do this to me. I feel the years I’ve been with him I vaguely remember good times I’ve had with my son growing up the last parts of his childhood because of the amount of turmoil I’ve been in and ill never forgive myself for that. I’ll never forgive myself for allowing him in time and time again after proving to me that neither of us mattered it was only ever about him and his kids.

[Lisa]

Hi Poppety,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your experiences. It’s really positive that you’re starting to reach out for the support that you deserve.

He sounds incredibly manipulative, emotionally abusive, and controlling. It’s not you being dramatic, you have described abuse and the impact that it’s had on you is an important part of that.

Hypervigilance and a fixation on him are absolutely normal and are responses that are part of the aim of abusive behaviour. Abuse is all about power and control, by making you constantly on edge and focused on him he unbalanced the power in his favour. It’s also normal that it takes time to recover once you’ve left. Abuse is traumatic and you went through this cycle for years, it’s understandable that it’s still impacting you. It’s a great step that you’ve contacted a therapist to help you process everything.

It can be extremely difficult to leave an abuser without support, it sounds like you didn’t have this at the time. You say that you will never forgive yourself for certain things, but these aren’t your fault. He was choosing to abuse you, you aren’t responsible for that.

You might like to have a look at The Freedom Programme which is an information course to help women understand the dynamics of the abuse they experienced. There are in person courses (which you can search for through the website), women on this forum have mentioned how empowering they’ve found it to be in a room with others who have also experienced abuse, and there is an online version too.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Ephemeralbliss]

Hi Poppety,

Sorry to hear you’re going through this. The behaviours you describe are so similar to those of my ex it’s uncanny.
I’m trying to take each day at a time, going to therapy and maintaining no contact. It’s so hard, especially at this time of year, as I so often want to reach out to him but know I’ll get sucked back in.
These new partners won’t last. They’ll suffer the same fate as you. Stay strong, go no contact and focus on yourself x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Poppety, what a lovely name you’ve chosen ❤
You’ve been through the mill, washed and rinsed so many times. But you’re still here and that’s because you’re stronger than you really know. Well done on opening up, that alone is terrifying. I remember my first post, was so scared someone would know who I was and tell my ex I was on here. Here is a safe place to talk about what happened to you, by reading others posts you’ll get to see how similar all our stories are. We joke that abusers must go to the same school cos their repertoire isn’t very varied. I found my local WA group gave me a lot of support and education to what the different types of abuse were. One I still have great difficulty with is sexual abuse but I’m getting there. If you want some reading material, why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and living with the dominator by Patricia, ooo I’ve just had a brain freeze, can’t remember her surname. Anyway type in the title and it’ll come up. World of books is a cheaper online site to buy used and new books, all the used books I’ve bought have been in really good condition. You’ll be going through so many emotions and also feel numb too, whatever you’re going through it’s all normal, but talking about it, will help you through it too.
Best wishes Poppety
IWMB 💞 💞

[Poppety]

Thank you all for your lovely replies. It’s been a relief to hear someone identify it as abuse and I’m so sorry you have all had to endure these behaviours too. As for the (detail removed by moderator) with this person, despite being in distress going into work continuously and explained the cycle I was in I feel no one identified it as abuse and only ”drama”. My personality has changed dramatically as a result of it but it started to happen not long after meeting them but also coinsided with working with new people so they never really had an opportunity to know me before I was in a relationship with them. The more I’ve learned online and through a therapist since being away from them, has really made me realise the severity of the cycle he took me on for all that time. I do feel like every police force should have psychologists that specialise in emotional abuse/trauma so the severity of the impact can be explained and understood better as I do believe unless you have gone through it yourself no one can fully understand the impact it really does have and I think victims are missing out on opportunities to get out of it or to have their justice. I was sexually abused as a child, brought up in an environment where I was exposed to seeing physical abuse to both parents with the other halves. (detail removed by moderator) and came out with my head held high with how proud I was and who I was.. And years later met this person I specifically asked not to hurt me after explaining what I’d gone through and the time I have spent with them broke me to someone I don’t recognise or even like and they were by far the hardest years of my life psycologically and wanted to commit suicide or idealised it numerous times to get out of feeling how I was but couldn’t understand the cycle I was in at the time. I’m now having to pay for therapy, have no home, and am jobless, but more importantly feel like I have ruined some of the best years of my child’s life as a lot of what should be good memories I cannot recall or was ruled by constantly being on edge or in distress waiting for something to happen or being emotionally unable to do what I would have normally enjoyed due to the impact of the abuse. I’m hoping for that fresh start but even being away from them (detail removed by moderator) I feel a long way off yet and can’t ever imagine being with anyone in the future.

[Author]

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