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Hello Everyone,
I knew I was broken but i think i fooled myself quite a lot.
I met someone today and I had a little crush as soon as I saw him. I met him through a dating app.
He proposed me to meet again tomorrow. He said he had a very good time today (we went for a drink).I have said yes, but I am terrified. I worry i’d be lied to again, I worry he talks to and sees other girls if it ever goes further. I am terrified of intimacy (issues with my abuser were highlighted by this initially and I couldn’t have sex with him without being in a massive pain, After medical checks they deduced it was psychological), I feel rubbish and I worry he sees me as a rubbish girl. I worry my ex broke me forever and I don’t want to stay alone forever. But how will I know if he’s a good person and how to tell him about all these blocages I have without scaring him? I also worry about not having the same rythme (I don’t go out often, I stay in my flat most of the time, that’s where i feel safer).
It’s been a while I haven’t been around a guy and I feel worthless. -
Hi, you’re not worthless. Try not to overthink. You can meet up again as friends until you decide what you want to do. It sounds to me like it’s way too soon for you to be dating. Dating should be fun with no pressure or triggers. It sounds like you’re still very very vulnerable. Take your time. There’s no rush x
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I thought i was ready. Also I feel that waiting will make this even scarier.
I suffer from a phobia (nothing linked to this) and the only way to deal with it is to confront it regularly (otherwise it gets worse and worse overtime).
I don’t want to wait forever, I’ll never be ready and I need to have someone with me in this life or I’ll give up.
I just hope he is genuine. But how to find out whether someone is or not? And shall i talk to him about my fears? I guess it’s too soon. -
Hey RF, I agree, you’re over thinking things, you need to relax by telling yourself I dont have to do anything I dont want to do, or feel uncomfortable with. Can you see how you get along as friends for now?
You’re maybe panicking because on some level you feel unable to voice how you really feel with him and this leaves you on shakey ground, it feels unsafe?
You find out if he’s genuine with time spent getting to know him hey. You don’t committ to much other than a next meeting until you feel you know him well and you’re ready to step in a bit closer; you’ll have experienced how he is with friends and family, yours and his, before you get there.
You promise yourself, no one gets my heart until I am sure.
You respond to any red flags either through discussion with him or by walking away, you see if he responds to you and what you say, or if he reacts or carries on regardless, if it appears as if you said nothing, even when you know you did as it was so very difficult for you to raise the subject in the first place – walk away.
You listen to yourself and what you need and give this to yourself first and always.
You wont be swayed or persuaded.
You will only settle for it feels right.
You dont need to tell him anything you dont feel ready or able to tell, some things you may well keep to yourself for good if you so choose and it is perfectly ok to do this.
A date the next day after a date today sounds a bit fast to me, did it feel ok and that you wanted to see him tomorrow? If not, if you would have preferred to leave it for longer but you didnt say, then you have ignored what is right for you – and that means you are vulnerable. You set your own pace, a pace that feels right for you. FL.x
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I would say that the 2nd date is a little too soon to go into everything. Relax and have fun. Take it slowly and space out your dates. It may be better for you to meet once or twice a week instead of every day. It will give you time to think instead of being rushed into anything.
Take lots and lots of time to get to know each other.
Look out for him rushing things, getting too familiar too quickly, making romantic declarations after only a few dates.
See if he will take no for an answer, or if he gets overly pushy and tries to force a subject. That’s not a good sign. Does he try to get you to drink too much, or will he happily say ok if you were to say you didn’t want a drink? Does he respect your boundaries?
Is he interested in you? Really interested, enough to listen and ask questions? Or does he interrupt you when you talk, look bored or lose concentration? Does he mostly talk about himself, and brag about his accomplishments?
How does he act when you speak to other people? Especially other men. How does he act toward other people himself? Does he talk about how awful other people are (especially his ex girlfriends)? Does he treat waitresses, barpeople etc. with respect?
Does he have lots of excuses, is someone else always to blame for things that have gone wrong in his life?
Please be careful. There’s masses of time.
I hope it’s fun, and he turns out to be a good un.
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It went well thanks. We Saw each other a third time and it was nice as well.
The more I seen him, the less doubts I have. He doesn’t feel he could be like my ex.
But because I start liking him more, I worry I am not good enough for him. I have insecurities and I worry he doesn’t want to see me anymore if I talk to him about them… -
Hey, I wouldnt worry about that for now, maybe it’s more about getting to know him and keeping things fun and light for now?
However, sounds like you could respond to this / yourself and benefit from some counselling just now, to help you with how you’re feeling about yourself, so this doesnt impact negatively on the relationship. I know for sure that you are good enough, but is he? It’s not a good position to be in when we feel this way, can lead us into making poor choices because we become more consumed with does he like me, I want him to like me more than anything else and thus miss checking things out thoroughly. When you value you, you dont settle for anything less than what is right for you.
Do you get a sense he is personally responsible by what he says? Has he blamed anyone or anything?
I can’t help but feel a bit concerned about the pace RF, you can slow things down you know if that’s what feels right for you. I could be wrong but it sounds like you are starting to feel you like him and hope things will continue, so you’re letting him set the pace and you agree because you dont want to disappoint him? Does any of that ring true for you? Or do you feel you are equally setting the pace? It can be really good to see how a person handles disappointment. If he likes you he will be happy to see you when you can. xx
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Hi redfox, how are you doing. It’s nice reading you’ve found someone else but remember to control the pace at how fast it moves. You never have to divulge anything about yourself not ever. It’s not being deceitful or lying, those are abusers words. If you feel you have to justify anything just say something like, my previous relationship didn’t go the way I thought it would, if he pushes you to explain, remember you don’t have to elaborate, just repeat you don’t want to discuss it at the moment. If he pushes to talk and you’re not ready, that’s a red flag.
I’ve read that women’s aid recommend we wait about 2 years before going into another relationship. I understand only to well why they say that.
My daughter had started a new relationship, a good few months after getting her ex out of her house and life(sort of)she’s seen him regularly for a month or so, the new guy, I’ve seen red flags, she claims I’m acting like a victim and see everyone like my oh. Turns out he has another relationship going in another country, she’s berating herself why does this happen to her. He’s asking if she wants a committed relationship,, which is far far too soon. As she says, she doesn’t know but what she does know is she doesn’t want to be the other woman.
As humans we release feel good hormones in the early stages of relationships, so far so good.
Have you done anything just for you dince your previous relationship ended. Have you written down what you like and don’t like, in life what you’ll accept abd won’t accept in a new relationship. Take time to love yourself redfox. If this new man doesn’t like being told no, that’s a red flag. Find out how he feels if you have other plans, even if you haven’t, just spend that time being by yourself.
If it’s meant to be, it will, there’s plenty of time to get to know each other.
Worrying about what he might be doing or could do in the future are side effects of living in an abusive relationship. Maybe by feeling like this, is your body’s way of saying you’re not ready. Take care and keep posting. We’re here to listen, offer advice and hopefully help us not get hurt in the future.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕 -
Hi Redfox, your rush for validation from someone else shows you’re still extremely vulnerable. You say you ‘need to have someone in your life or you will give up’. It’s this kind of thought process that leaves us extremely vulnerable to abusers, and also to tremendous pain when we are rejected, even in the normal ways of dating. Until you have regained your own self esteem and self confidence, looking to anyone else for validation will only bring further mental anguish. At the end of the day, only you can own your self worth and that takes time and work on your own issues before sharing them with someone who in essence is still a stranger to you. Have you explored counselling. Or building on positive relationships that are already in your life, friends and family whose trust you already have. Women’s aid recommend two years before dating again for very good reasons. For me it was much longer and there are still days when I feel very vulnerable. Work on yourself and your hobbies and family and work and take baby steps meantime. Keep posting and learning x
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i did lots of dating when my relationship ended – i was far to insecure and vulnerable to be meeting new people. I have to say looking back i was taken advantage off to a degree (i wasnt abused again) i do regret it now though. In hind sight i do wish i had gotten the counselling that i needed. To love myself and not to clutch on to someone because i felt so desperately alone. i did feel like noone would want me or love me so i tended to choose people that werent in a very good place either. tread very carefully and take your time – love will be yours again and the right guy is out there – but as said above theres no harm in taking things slow and being very cautious this time around xx youll get the measure of anyone when you ask them to wait (in any regard)
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