Moving on from abuse in the past

[Thisissoooooohard]

It’s coming up to (detail removed by Moderator) years since I left and just over (detail removed by Moderator) years since we last had contact. It has been such a rollercoaster. Starting a new life. Moving away from everyone I knew to start a new life for myself and the kids. On the positive (detail removed by Moderator) years on we are living a good life but the past just won’t go away. I still think about my ex everyday. Some days I relive the past and the bad memories. Some days I miss the good times so much and feel like someone close to me has died. Last year I finally admitted to the abuse as before that I knew myself but I couldn’t say it out loud. Even though i knew what had happened i taught myself to ignore it and even when my life was under threat I would defend him and act as though nothing was wrong. I tried counselling (cbt) but that didn’t really help as apparently I have good strategies for coping. I referred myself to a domestic abuse charity for support but was unable to direct what support I needed so after 3 sessions I decided that maybe I wasn’t ready. Im so use to pretending im ok that i find it difficult to dropped the act and open up. For some reason even though things in reality are 100 times better I don’t seem to be able to move on. I can put on a brave face with day to day life but every night once the children have gone to sleep my world ends and I’m stuck in the past. If anyone’s felt like this and come out the other side I’d love any tips as I just want to forget it all and move on with my life. I feel like I shouldn’t still be stuck in the past.

[minimeerkat]

hello, you have done so very well to have come as far as you have so be really really proud of yourself.
we are all individual & therefore only able to deal with the effects of abuse as best we can. and although i am not able to give you any tips for forgetting about your experience, i can at least tell you that it is very normal to feel as stuck as you are. so it might help you to know this & take any pressure off yourself you might be feeling eg .you shouldnt be stuck in the past.
i have just started trauma counselling myself & am hoping this will help. you say cbt didnt work, only i am unsure whether is a recommended way of dealing with trauma effectively (so perhaps other women on here might be able to confirm whether this is helpful just on its own).
i am severing trauma bonds & have symptoms of complex-ptsd, & when reading your post wondered if you might be suffering with these particular things yourself at all. so if you feel like reading a bit about these it might help you to understand some of what you are going through – & then you will know how understandable & normal your thoughts/feelings are.
have you had any counselling at all – do you think this might be of any help to you. i found my counseller via support line but your local domestic abuse service could recommend one also.
there is such a lot to deal with after these relationships, so many mixed & conflicting emotions. and yes you will feel grief, no matter how abusive your partner was. its whether you think it might be beneficial to explore all your emotions with someone, to then hopefully be able to move further forward.
sorry i am not yet in a position to help, but as long as you appreciate that many feel the way you do – there are even women posting on the forum now having similar thoughts & feelings as you are.
you are doing great. stay strong x

[Thisissoooooohard]

Thank you. I will have a read and also look into different types of support. I havent tried counciling for myself but my son has had some as he struggles with his dad not being there and memories from the past. On the few occasions I had to meet with his and this helped me to realise that I’m not ok and to seek support with a local charity. What I found difficult was that I was asked to direct what I wanted to talk about and I couldn’t do this. I don’t even know where to start. I also felt that I’ve been safe for a few years and that there are people who need help now who are still in difficult places and that I’m wasting people time.
I know that you have said that you trauma counciling is new, can I please ask how it works? The CBT stuff that I did basically taught you strategies to control negative thoughts and make them more positive. I really struggle with the times I have less control over like dreams and with memories which constantly pop up from day to day life. Things that are unpredictable so I havent prepared myself for them.

Sorry for the long response and thank you for your advice x

[minimeerkat]

with not being very familiar with cbt, my understanding of it is that it is a good way of controlling ‘symptoms’, whereas something like trauma counselling will be looking at the root cause (of these symptoms).
i will send you a very quick message ok x

[Bananaboat]

I don’t know the answer but just wanted to say you’re not alone. He’s in my head every day. I liken it to when computers used to defrag and reorganise files, it’s like my brain is replaying incidents and seeing them again in new light, or I have brief moments of missing him / our family and I have to replay stuff to remind myself why I’m out. Having tried to seek counselling I’ve been told domestic abuse needs specific trauma based support which many places don’t offer, so be kind to yourself, this isn’t easy. I’ve tried to fill those quiet evenings with other stuff to distract my brain which works some days – like taking control back x

[Thisissoooooohard]

That is exactly it. What a good way to explain it. It also makes sense about finding someone who specialises in trama from domestic abuse. When my son had help I spoke to a few different people at his school. I didnt really say much at all as anything I said I felt like they didn’t really understand. I think there’s lots of opinions on domestic abuse but as people on here will know it is very different when your living it. What seems easy and sensible advice really isn’t as it is all very complicated. I’ve made bad choices like not leaving earlier but at the time it all seemed impossible and a lot of people don’t understand that. Thank you for your post x

[Happyskies]

lots here but I think the first thing that popped out at me is you having dreams. sometimes that can be a sign of ptsd. EMDR therapy is really good for helping to heal trauma and could help. have you tried your GP? mine were really clued up and good about it, and arranged counselling and EMDR. I think CBT is mainly for intrusive thoughts? which is a bit different to ptsd – which is when your body gets stuck in responding to danger even though the danger has passed now. Mindfulness can be good to start to notice your thoughts too, if you’ve become so used to them being there, sometimes it’s hard to know when you’re having them (hope that makes sense). Also worth mentioning, I had a similar situation with not knowing what I needed with women’s aid – so they let me try a session of each thing to get an understanding. I think it’s really common and they’re used to it, so might be worth calling them back and seeing if they could make some suggestions of how to start? for me, they arranged a more in depth talk with someone and then Tey gave me a few pointers. I tried a couple of their services and stuck with the ones that felt like they were a good fit. well done on all you’ve achieved.

 

hope that’s some help. well done and keep going. x

[Thisissoooooohard]

Thank you. I have made contact with the agency I worked with before. They are calling me in a couple of days to talk about how they can support me. I’m still not 100 per cent sure but thank you for all the information you have given me x

[saltedwater]

Hi, this is my first post here, originally I didn’t want to post as I’m nervous about it all and don’t know how to address the past, this is all new to me but, then I read your post. You’ve described how I feel. I get flashbacks/dreams and memories everyday, I could be happy and then out of nowhere something comes back to me. Which leaves me feel drained and anxious as to when it’ll happen again. Your words felt like they were mine. The evening feels sad. I also had CBT a while a go and told I was coping well, I just don’t know the next steps forward. Why does it come up after time away. There’s a numbness I feel now to it all. Nothing is quite right yet it’s not as bad as it once was so I should be grateful for that and I am. Nothing feels like my own and I feel disconnected, but day to day you go to work, look after the family and carry on all with this numb feeling in my head.
I just wanted to say to you that I too feel the same way and your post helped me feel like I am not alone. So although I have no answers for you (sorry) thank you for posting because I felt a seen and recognised your pain, you are not alone.

[Thisissoooooohard]

Thank you for your message. Its harder than I thought. I reached out to my local service and they have put me on the waiting for some support. I’d reccomend it. They seemed to completely understand what I was saying and I felt a bit more positive after speaking to them x

[StrongLife]

I have gone to therapy/groups and various organisations. I have found some are better than others – some suit more but there is lack of them and severe lack of funding.

[Author]

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