30th January 2019 at 3:20 pm #71598
How do I move on from an abusive relationship?
30th January 2019 at 5:04 pm #71608KIP.Participant
Slowly with lots of self compassion, zero contact with your abuser, support from organisations and people who understand what you’re going through. Lots of educating yourself on they dynamics of abusers. Perhaps the Freedom Programme from women’s aid. Knowing many women have walked in your shoes and thrive now. Older and wiser x
31st January 2019 at 12:03 am #71627EscapedbuthauntedParticipant
As kip says take it slowly, one day at a time, be kind to yourself especially when having a bad day (there will be many when u question whether u made the right decision, be confident you have). Build up a good support network around you and find out who u are. Might sound bizarre but it’s taken me a while to learn about who I am, now I’ve left we were together that long, enjoy your freedom, do things you have wanted to do but couldn’t because of your abuser.
31st January 2019 at 8:47 am #71629maddogParticipant
There is masses of information on youtube as well. I’m not out of the woods yet by a long stretch but with masses of help & support from different organisations I am making headway. For the first time in my life it feels real.
31st January 2019 at 9:03 am #71631IwantmebackParticipant
Hi there, all we can do is learn from our experience. Learn to listen to our gut, learn to stick to what makes us unique(our boundaries), and take it baby step by baby step.
And maybe wait a few years before embarking on another relationship. Too early and we could end up in another one, or treat an amazing guy with suspicion and fear so he never really stands a chance. Learn what you like, what you want from life and if there’s someone out there who wants to share in your journey great, if not that’s okay too.
31st January 2019 at 6:03 pm #71671
I agree with above advices and want to echo specially the one to educate yourself about the dynamics of abuse.
Google abusive power and control. The cycle of abuse.
Google trauma bond.
Manage your expectations; moving on from an abusive relationship is more complex than the average break-up therefore requires more time to recover.
At one point you’ll gain awareness about abusive power and how it impacts your freedom.
Protect yourself and be thoughtful before sharing any informations about yourself with anyone he knows e.g. common friends or his family. Try to go no contact or at least grey rock with him.
Know that abusive behaviour lies entirely with the responsibility of the abuser and never ever yours so don’t beat yourself up with where you could have gone wrong.
Abusers have a problem with abuse just as much alcoholics have a problem with alcohol and drug addicts have a problem with drugs.
Keep your most trusted friendships active, it is priceless to beat the isolation that might follow with the aftermath of the abuse.
Validation helps enormously to move on. So keep on posting here often. All the best
@ Lisa our moderator: wouldn’t it be useful to add this question to the FAQ’s? I have noticed under the FAQ’s to be only regarding how to use the forum but not on the subject itself.
I understand that it is important to interact on a personal level with each other but additionally it can be useful to have access to templates to the most frequently asked questions. Thank you for considering it.
1st February 2019 at 10:06 am #71704LisaMain Moderator
Just wanted to say thank you for the suggestion.
1st February 2019 at 1:02 pm #71712
Thank you kindly for responding Lisa, I appreciate it.
4th February 2019 at 2:40 pm #71862
Thank you all for the advice and support. x
4th February 2019 at 2:48 pm #71863
Today is a very, very hard and sad day.(detail removed by Moderator) I returned to the place we once shared to gather the rest of my belongings and move back home with parents. It looked exactly as it did when we first moved in; bleak, cold and sparce. He had done the same thing a week prior; I hadn’t heard from him in (detail removed by Moderator), and when I returned to the apartment, it had been cleared out of our furniture and his belongings. The last thing he said to me was ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ – the same day he moved out. This was his way of showing me that I am nothing without him, and that’s exactly how I feel. This was his way of teaching me a lesson. The damage to the apartment was too much to bear, as it was a painful reminder of just how physical our arguments/fights had become. I get flashbacks to his screaming and shouting, his pushing and shoving, his throwing and breaking my belongings, and when he used to grab me by the throat and threaten me. I feel so hurt, and so very sad. I know that I will never meet anyone else, or go on to have a bright future. I feel as though this was all I had (it wasn’t) and that it’s me that ‘blew’ it. The painful reminders and flashbacks are becoming too much.
4th February 2019 at 6:51 pm #71876
Hang in there, you just took a huge step by moving out and into safety with your parents, so well done.
Treat yourself well, allow yourself time off, watch movies, read, listen to music, do only the things you enjoy, get pampered by your parents.
Inform yourself about where you can join a freedom program, I heard only good things about it, it allows you to share your experience with others who understand exactly what you are going through and you will learn a lot about abuse and the aftermath of it.
You’ll be alright, take it step by step. Baby steps and keep posting.
Take good care of yourself 💛
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