Moving on… I need advice!

[Lottieblue]

Hello.
Ok. Not sure how to express this. I have been away from my long, emotionally abusive marriage for some time now. Still struggling. Meds upped, referred to group trauma therapy, divorce dragging its heels.
And there’s this guy. I see him at a social group I go along to most weeks. He’s very restrained and at first I thought he was showing an interest in me and then I thought he really wasn’t, and now I think he is. In fact he is. But very subtly. We have spent time together but nothing has happened. And I feel all mixed up. He is not particularly physically attractive but I feel very attracted to him – omg it’s years since I’ve felt this. I didn’t even want my husband to touch me because he made me felt cheap, because the only time he was “nice” to me was when he wanted sex, and when I didn’t he punished me with all sorts of insults and the silent treatment.
So this new guy… I don’t feel in the right place for a relationship yet. I need my head to be in the right space, I need to be sorted, but also, I don’t know how to tell if he’s a good guy or a bad guy. My husband was a good guy at the outset. I really, really don’t want to trust anyone with my emotions again.

My what do I do? I don’t feel it’s possible to continue to see him on any level (including at this group gathering) without the spark igniting further between us, and yet I enjoy his company, and it’s so nice to feel liked, cherished. But is this all that’s causing me to want to be physical with him? We have talked openly about my past so he knows where I’m at, but I really can’t see a “it’s not you it’s me” conversation having any point, because we would need not to see each other at all.

What do you think? Has anyone successfully navigated this minefield?
TIA x*x

[Lifebegins]

Sorry I’ve not had the experience yet to give you any advice Lottieblue but this is really interesting post! I’m kinda thinking of dipping my toe back in datibg but not quite there yet either like you. I’m still working on me (sounds a bit trite but hope you understand what i mean) and I want to feel tip top about myself so I don’t sell myself short like I think I’ve done in the past, putting up with things I definitely shouldn’t have as I was lacking self esteem. That said, when I read your post and you’ve met someone in an organic way, not expecting it, you’re attracted to them, and that makes you feel in a way you never thought you could again, it made me think that’s exactly how I’d like to meet someone new!

Maybe you’ve still got too much going on with your divorce, therapy etc so now’s not the right time? If the guy is not putting any pressure on then why do you have to do anything? Just carry on enjoying his company as a friend. If he’s putting pressure on, it would be a red flag for me. Life is on your terms now so you do how you feel and listen to your gut. I know that we’ve all experienced dreadful abusive relationships but I know there’s a lot of good guys out there too xx

[iliketea]

Hi, old timers, how are you both? Interesting post @Lottieblue but sorry no “lived experience” advice as I don’t feel anywhere near thinking about it yet. Not brave enough at all. Still working on “me” – hahaha @Lifebegins yes it is a bit trite but I’m coming round to the whole “self-care” thing and the genuine importance of putting numero uno UNO!! Was just wondering though just this evening when it would happen…my musings took me to later in life, but then I thought “well thats a bit of a waste of looks etc” and then I thought that was a bit sad and wouldn’t “the one” like me wrinkles and all, and on and on my mind went around on the subject with no conclusion except that I don’t mind not having someone around, and I like having my bed to myself and not having to answer to anyone etc etc!!! I think it will totally depend on how YOU feel, and only you will know if you feel its ok to take it anywhere else. If I’ve learnt anything from all this it is that my gut was always right, and was always telling me in some way, and going forward now I know what that feels like, and what it is (from therapy, recovery, education etc), I will hopefully know (better) next time, if I do find myself in the same situation. But hopefully all the therapy and recovery and education means that I won’t be attracted to someone like that ever again. I am much much more careful with friendships I’ve noticed, and much more boundaried generally with all that I do. Trust yourself, and how you feel, and make sure you only do exactly what you want to do, at your own pace. Its positive and lovely and if you feel good, then perhaps thats a sign that he’s ok? Apply everything you’ve learnt over these years and through this dreadful experience and see if he is good enough for you. If he deserves your time, friendship and energy. Keep posting and checking in. We’re all still here, not as often but always pop in from time to time. Sending love. xx

[Mellow]

What I’m seeing here is you worried about your future you must live in the now .no what ifs I understand you don’t want your heart broken and don’t want to miss red flags but I’m guessing after what you’ve been through you will be easier to spot them live in the moment as for physical it does not sound like that’s even come up in conversation there may be an attraction but attraction dosent mean you will end up lying in bed together you are allowed to flirt and your allowed to set your own boundaries.I’m no expert but I’m hearing you say you will stop something you enjoy doing because this man is there ?do you really want to give up something you enjoy?you know you don’t want a relationship and your allowed to say that you can talk to this person but set boundaries this is my opinion only

[Author]

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