Moving on too soon?

[Sunshineee]

Iv been talking to this guy for (detail removed by moderator) months and seen him (detail removed by moderator) times. It’s only been (detail removed by moderator)months since me and the ex split and he went to prison so I did question wether this was too soon for me. I feel like we’ve been bickering a few times about different things but it’s not been an “argument” as such more just miss communication. He tends to joke about things I don’t find funny and he knows Iv previously been in an abusive relationship before so I’m triggered by certain things he says. For example he joked about not speaking to me again and my ex used to leave me and the baby all the time, say he’ll never speak to me again and he’d go days without getting in contact so obviously I didn’t like this comment. He apologised when I explained I didn’t like it but surely he should know not to say things like that anyway?! I don’t know if I’m overthinking it, maybe he just didn’t think and was being an idiot? I’m not sure wether I’m being overly sensitive about everything he says because it’s too soon after my ex? Even though I feel no love no nothing for that man anymore only hate.

[KIP.]

Yes it’s definitely too soon and that man sounds toxic. You don’t need an uncaring abusive man in your life again. Women’s aid suggest two years after an abusive relationship before getting involved again. I totally agree and even several years later I still feel vulnerable and unsure of boundaries. He knows your history and he makes ‘jokes’ nobody caring would make a joke about such things. He sounds dreadful. Huge red flags there. Did you do the Freedom Programme with Women’s Aid. Look into that and block this guy ASAP.

[Whodat]

Hi sunshineee. I did the exact same as you, met a man a few months after end of abusive relationship. I thought he was the opposite of my ex and convinced myself I liked him but in hindsight I did not. I was extremely vulnerable at the time and told him my whole story. Ask yourself what kind of man would even be attracted to a woman who is that vulnerable? He also told me his ex abused him, which Lundy Bancroft (read his book it’s life changing) warns is indicative of an abusive man. I decided to be single for a while to work on my boundaries and self esteem and now a year later I feel stronger than I ever have and confident if I meet one of these pathetic losers again I will either recognise it before starting a relationship or have the strength to leave immediately if it happened later. Read read read,once your eyes are open it’s impossible not to see it clear as day. These men are basically predators looking or vulnerable woman who can’t set boundaries and/or have low self esteem and will tolerate their behaviour. It didn’t take me long to stop loving mybex after unrealized what he was but it took a full year to process all the things he did and said iver the years. I would defo have benefited from just staying single during that time. I think I just wanted a relationship because my ex had made me feel so worthless but I now know that confidence and self esteem comes from within. But yeah in answer to your question you are not being over sensitive, best case scenario he’s an inconsiderate a******e but I would get this is the beginning of him eroding your trust and confidence.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Sunshineee, they’ve always tried to minimise their behaviour behind the old I’m only having a laugh, your too sensitive, I’m not your ex p..h. cut him loose sweetheart, he has learned how to be by patriarchal societal views. I’m ever hopeful that future girls and women will not have to put up with this behaviour.
IWMB 💞💞

[Sunshineee]

Hi guys, overall I thought he was nice and kind. He’s always listened and been supportive, he respects my wishes and makes that very clear, he takes interest in me, my family and my days. He makes me laugh and has kept me going through a difficult month…he’s not all bad. Just I felt a bit unsure and uneasy when he made a joke about not speaking to me he was very apologetic afterwards when he realised that this had upset me and told me that was never his intention…I really don’t know what to think here x

[Iwantmeback]

If in doubt do nothing, just watch and learn. I hope he is the nice man you’ve described, but it doesn’t hurt to just keep a lot to yourself until you see more of his behaviour.
We can be your sounding board if you like.
Just be kind to yourself, love you for who you are. Find out what your boundaries are and don’t be afraid to enforce them.
IWMB 💞💞

[Sunshineee]

IWMB thank you, I think I’ll do that. Just sit back and watch, I don’t want to jump to huge conclusions just yet…thank you. I’ll keep posting on here if anything else concerns me or it I’m unsure x

[KIP.]

Hey keep posting but the fact that you’re uncertain I think shows you’re still vulnerable. It took me years to have the confidence in my decisions and I recognise now just how vulnerable I really was.

[Sunshineee]

Hi guys you were right, major red flags he wasn’t who I thought he was. Yes he could be kind, loving & respectful but that all changed when I made a comment that he couldn’t control me. He started making the odd comment here and there similar things to what my ex used to say and I didn’t like it and it made me uneasy. I didn’t notice these subtle, small things in the beginning of my previous relationship but I can identify these now and need to keep telling myself to trust my instincts and that I’m not being dramatic or overly sensitive. When I told him he couldn’t control me he got really angry with me and rather than trying to understand why I would say something like that and why I’d have my guard up he got angry and ended things between us and he became very rude and cold. I tried for a whole hour to explain and I was very upset I couldn’t believe how desperate I was for him to listen and to not leave I’m very embarrassed and disappointed that I was falling into the same trap for the second time. But then I snapped out of it and told him straight and told a few home truths about him to say it lightly. Iv now blocked him and deleted his number. It feels very weird again not having someone to talk to all the time and not having the love and company again but I knew it’s the right thing because if id have carried on it wouldn’t have ended well. It’s also made me realise I am still very very vulnerable, the trauma from my ex is still raw and I am not ready to be emotionally involved with anybody until I fix myself first. You live & learn I suppose x

[Whodat]

Well done sunshine!!the fact you recognised it, set a boundary and walked away when he crossed it shows great strength. Let it boost your confidence and self esteem. You have nothing to be embarrassed about,you tried to reason with an unreasonable person. You are normal, his behaviour was not. It’s like dealing with a stroppy toddler. Brace yourself as there is a good chance he will try and come back. He will be fuming you did it beg and beg. Like you say live and learn. We have all been there! When I come across these people now I ask myself would I ever treat another human being like this, no matter how hurt/angry I am,if the answer is no then it’s bye bye boy

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Sunshineee, wow good for you. What a confidence booster, you made your boundaries known, he crossed them and you went sod you, byeeeee. 💪💪💪💪 one serious #21stcenturysuffragette💜💚🗯(can’t find a white heart to show tbe colours of the suffragettes)
So proud of you 💞💞

[Sunshineee]

Thank you girls xx

[Sunshineee]

Update: He set up a Facebook account and (detail removed by moderator) he sent me some very abusive & derogatory messages, I was so shocked! & also very upset because he flipped out at me before but this was a whole new level and I haven’t experienced something this bad since my ex obviously. Iv blocked him on there too x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Sunshinee, I’m jusy so glad you got away from him sooner rather than later. He’s a pathetic excuse fir a human being, good riddance to bad rubbish, as kip says.
Love and light IWMB 💞💞

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