Moving through my trauma

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi everyone,

I an trying to move through my trauma.
I read non-stop about (detail removed by moderator), recovering phases etc…can’t stop inhaling all the information. So much is out there. (detail removed by moderator) for instance helps me a lot to understand who I was dealing with.

What I came to realize is that the person that my ex is, is completely and utterly empty, a shell of a person.
The good I saw in him was only ever the reflection of myself and other people, that’s all.
It’s like the moon that doesn’t have his own light; the moon only reflects the light of the sun.
We all have souls that shines more or less love out onto other people through compassion and the way we communicate etc…but this type of guy is totally empty inside so he tries to keep the light that shines from others turned constantly onto him, he wants and need to be in the spotlight permanently in order to exist, because he doesn’t have a light within him to shine by himself.
So he goes out there and chooses carefully which will be his main headlight and many back-up and controls their “switch”.
Through his abusive behaviour he is actually extinguishing the light of his victim from the inside out. So at the end he doesn’t get what he wants most but instead destroys it. What a stupid idiot.
He trows the person away and finds a new primary headlight to make him shine.
That’s the cycle of a (detail removed by moderator) behaviour, using the idealization, devaluation and discard of his victim.

The light of the victim shines again as soon as she is free from the abuse, when she becomes a survivor. A small flickering light at first, which gets bigger and steadier over time and finally realizing that this light inside a person deserves the best protection and care it can get from one self and never be abused again.
Does it make sense at all? When I see it that way, it helps me to know why my ex didn’t share my love and life the way I did with him.

I am quite skeptic of people now, have trust issues, I go through every single person in my life, it’s not a big task, they are only few left.
I think the best way to know if a person is genuine or not is to trust my gut instinct.
If something bothers me about the way that person just behaved with me, I won’t brush it aside anymore, I won’t make excuses for that person. No. On the contrary I will tape this behavior on their forehead so I can see it clearly. I keep this person under observation and should this behavior reoccur and starts to form a pattern, I will know what I have in front of me.
Controlling people and Co. do not progress in a linear way, they do not move on, they circle around, creating a pattern, a foggy one but still a recognizable cycle.
Also if someone is mirroring me but feels almost too good to be true and he makes me feel like a princess placed high up on the throne I’ll know that it is not real and that the fall down hurts very much.

Thank you for listening and I wish everyone out there a good positive evening.

[KIP.]

I used to think of my ex as a vampire. Sucking the life and soul from me to make himself bigger and better. And funnily enough vampires have no reflection. Mirroring is a very common sign of an abuser. Even when I was the victim, he decided to act like a victim. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi HopeLifeJoy,

I could relate to your post so much! I love the moon analogy too, it makes a lot of sense, although I feel bad for the moon because it is too nice to be associated with these awful abusers.

I believe my ex was a (detail removed by moderator) too – no empathy, no remorse, pathological lying, incredibly convincing ‘sweet/innocent/honest/caring’ mask, pretty sure he was cheating on me from the start, liked violence, was sadistic, gaslighted my constantly, the abuse was very subtle and confusing before he started to get angry and threaten me.

He also mirrored me loads, it is so eerie to think about. Did your ex mirror your speech patterns, tone and phrases? My ex used to say things or say things in a way that I would recognise as being my own, if that makes sense.

I had a friend years ago that I also believe was a (detail removed by moderator). She was similar to my ex in that she idealised me, mirrored me, then started to mock, tease, laugh at and criticise me, gaslight me and try to control me until it suddenly clicked and I felt terrified of her and blocked her. She tried to hoover me back for 2 years, each time ignoring the fact that I had blocked and ignored her, it was eerie.

I too have v few friends left, I have got rid of many because I realise they were controlling and not true friends. I think a period of being alone is ok, healthy, to sort your head out.

I agree completely about the gut. These people have been practicing their mask since childhood and are incredibly hard to spot, but our intuition can sense something is off and we must listen to that. It is very hard to do, when they otherwise seem like the perfect boyfriend or friend, but I have regretted pushing that gut feeling to one side and really hope in future I will spot these creatures before they have the chance to worm their way into my life.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Thank you for all your replies.

SunshineRainFlower, I’m glad to hear it made sense, I wasn’t sure.
Don’t worry about the moon, he was more than happy to lend me a hand in this 😉
KIP, I understand your vampires as symbols of sucking the life and soul out of someone, this is so much how it feels like. Sucking us dry and trowing us away when empty.

My ex didn’t mirror my wording or speech pattern, it is unbelievable all the different ways they use.
My ex did copy my caring behaviour, then took credit for every accomplishment, him looking extremely good to the outsiders. He never gaslighted me, he was more the dominant type, I just had to shut up and accept his way. If I didn’t comply he intimidated me with his anger etc…He is an alpha male, leading and dominating others comes natural to him. It’s part of his charm, he fools everyone with it, me too of course for an entire decade until the smear campaign and financial abuse making it very clear he wanted to get rid of me. I only now begin to see it all for what it was.

I find it extremely hard to be alone, good for you that you see the positive in it, it is healthy. I received a cute teddybear back in the days in the woman shelter, to which I give many many hugs and kisses to. It makes me feel really good 🙂

I too crossed path with more (detail removed by moderator), it’s very frightening to see how many are out there, as soon as I am able to recognise them as such, I am going Grey Rock for a short while with the strategy to erase the positive image they have of me and instead leave them with the memory as someone boring, then I go No Contact. It takes a lot of guts and I am scared to the bones while doing this but it works. I feel stronger afterwards and that’s the main thing.
They tried to Hoover me back as well. What helped me to cut their hoovering short is visualization.
I imagine this person flying into the sky and getting smaller and smaller. I ask the wind to blow this person far far away from my world.

[Grateful]

Your words are so evocative and true hopelifejoy. I left my husband recently and am trying to ignite my inner flame but he keeps snuffing it out with constant texts,and calls. I cannot block him entirely as we have a business and children.
I only just realised the mirroring of my words takes place by reading your message.

[cloudyday]

Hi HopeLifeJoy

Your words so cleverly capture exactly the essence of the abuser. They feed off the light we emit but eventually extinguish it. He mirrors the things I say also immediately the moment I say them. He gas lights, manipulates, makes me feel a bad person and says I am hard and have no love within me. My inner flame is all but snuffed out. I feel empty and heartbroken. SunshineRainflower my abuser also has no empathy or remorse. I so wish Id gone with my gut instinct when I first met him and that was not to see him again but I met him for a second time and that was it I was hooked. I am totally out of my depth and tonight feel totally hopeless as another terrible weekend comes to a close. He is pushing to move in and get married which he has been doing for months and I finally plucked up the courage to tell him that it wasn’t happening. I have suffered emotionally ever since and now he has gone. I still cant believe I was asking him not to leave when he was in the car. I’m so messed up in my head. I know I should sever the ties but he has made me feel like I am so bad for not wanting him to move in but at least one strong sensible voice in my head amongst all this madness was saying Don’t Do It!!!!

[HopeLifeJoy]

Thank you Grateful and Cloudyday for your replies.

I too have a hard time dealing with the aftermath of the abuse.
It feels somehow the abusers keeps having control over our feelings. He is still able to manipulate our feelings in making us feel guilty, fearful or obligated in any way to still fulfill their demands. They are using FOG – Fear, Obligation and Guilt to manipulate us and keep their control.
I think setting up Personal Boundaries is key in taking back the power and control over our own feelings.
It keeps us protected from all kinds of manipulations, not just from the abusers but also from the controlling personality types out there.
I have close to no personal boundaries. I have very clear defined physical boundaries but none of the psychological ones.
I am learning to establish them.
I am eager to feel safe within myself again. And free.

[cloudyday]

It is all about having boundaries and my psychological boundaries are virtually non-existent. When I try to set them I am emotionally beaten down each time. I feel Im not going to get anything better than what I have now. My abuser manipulates the situation so that when I try to set boundaries I am being a bad person. I think of life away from him and all I can see is an empty void. He sucks my very being from within me. I feel im going through the motions of life hoping things will get better. I really admire you Hopelifejoy. You have had the strength to break the pattern.

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