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I’m starting to wonder if i should stop speaking with my mum about my husband until i’ve ended things. Every time i speak with her she’s quite quiet and i can tell she doesn’t agree with my decision to end things. She’s said things like ‘you spend too much time together, you need more space’, ‘they’re all little things’ and ‘we really like (him)’ ‘we had no idea’ and I keep getting this feeling from her that keeps setting me back. I make my mind up to leave then after a chat with her i’m questioning myself again because she doesn’t give me any reassurance that i’m doing the right thing. I’ve encouraged her to phone womens aid so they can explain the extent of emotional abuse and how all the little things build up to make you feel like you’re going crazy and being controlled to the point where you don’t feel your life is your own any more, but she won’t phone them. I’m starting to feel a bit annoyed with her tbh because I’m really struggling with being strong enough to finally leave him and i’m so close to doing it!
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I can relate, my Mum is cautious too. I have decided to only tell her basics so I can try not to confuse myself as I feel confused enough already. Maybe it might be an idea to not stop talking to her altogether about it but just limit what you say and word things in a way that don’t invite opinions. Hugs. Stay strong. You will know what’s right and when. One step at a time and all at your own pace. X
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It’s so disappointing when you can’t speak to your mum about it because she is probably the one person you really want support from.
My mum thinks my partner is a good person, who has his ‘faults and I should just accept them because that is how she has lived her life with my Dad. And maybe seeing that has made me even more determined that i won’t just make do with that kind of relationship?
My partner thinks that I have turned against him because I won’t be like my mum and tries to use that against me and as an excuse for his behaviour.
I don’t talk to her about it anymore and she never asks me and that hurts, but I do have friends who I know do support me like I need them too.
His mum knows everything and he turns to her as the victim all the time, drives me insane seeing her support him through all of this.
It is very sad though when you feel let down by your mum, I understand totally.
DD xx -
I can relate. My surrogate dad was much the same. I felt uncomfortable around my ex so he decided that he would contact him on my behalf and started telling me i was being childish, and unfair. i should think about the kids. Even after he was arrested he said that it was only the once so its no big thing. I wanted to scream. But, try to remember it is your life. Your mum may not agree with your choices, but you know what you are dealing with. Perhaps allow her to be your mum, and spend time with her, but deal with your relationship yourself. I know how abusers can play victims to all kinds of people that start pressuring us to be with them and agree with them, but we know what we are dealing with. Love yourself, you are a strong woman. If you are in a room, with a line across it, and you stand alone on your side of the room, it doesnt matter if you know you are right, by doing right by you.
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Hi Siba, sorry to read this; guess you feel you could really do with your mum’s support. Do you think she may come round after you’ve left? Once she accpets it’s happened?
I had to let go of anyone who didnt support me, or keep away for a bit or limit the conversation to other things – anything else. There’s two groups, those who get it and those who don’t – lucky for those who dont get it really hey, as they’ve never experienced it. Although I have one super friend who has never experienced an abusve relationship but I always have her full support, she is a completely non-judgemental person, which shows me even if a person hasn’t experienced this it can be done but only when a person doesn’t make judgements.
Perhaps give mum some space and time – a rest from this conversation? Build and shape your support in others x
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