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Today I was meant to be all productive sorting out curtains for my new place and setting up my bills. I woke up with a migraine so I have only managed to set up one bill and do a bit of packing and that’s it. I think I am in denial about how much migraines make everything so difficult, even when the tablet has taken away the worst of the head pain there is still the fatigue, light, sound and smell sensitivity, food cravings and nausea and apathy. Days like this make me feel like a loser because I go back to the ‘oh god I’m still not working while everyone else has manages to hold down jobs as well as do all the housework and everything else’ thoughts. My plan has been to find a part time job but I wasn’t getting any interviews and then decluttering, packing, moving and trying to sort out my new place has taken over. I worry about holding down a job with these regular migraines but I am hoefully getting nearer to working out triggers to reduce them.
Anyway, tonight I decided to stop attempting to do things and let myself turn down the lights and listen to some calming music in the lounge. There is a piece of music which reflects a pivotal point in the relationship with my ex, a wonderful relaxation/new age Indian piece. The day that I felt suspicious of him and called him out on his behaviour, he begged to come over to see me, all voice trembling and sounding sincere. Taken aback by his apparent sincerity, I agreed and he gaslighted, lied and convinced me it was all in my head and that he really liked me, was genuine and wanted a healthy, loving relationship with me. That evening we sat on the sofa together and I played him this song. I felt so happy and at peace at the time. For me to share this piece with him felt like I was opening myself and my trust up to him. It felt wonderful to hold a man I thought cared about me, I felt so calm, safe and secure in his arms and at peace.
Tt sounds strange but later on when he seemed to be turning into a different person, this moment confused me because I thought ‘how can a man who sat with me, listened to me pour my heart out to him, who I shared this music with, be lying to me and trying to hurt me.’ It was one of the special ‘honeymoon’ moments for me and it kept me confused and stuck for a while.
I still love the music and was thinking that it’s still a beautiful piece that was special to me before I met him, and that I just shared it with the wrong person who didn’t deserve it, and that’s ok, that we all make mistakes and it is better to live and learn than be too scared to try.
Not sure what my point is but jsut wanted to share this. I think I’m going to start up a habit this winter of putting on nice lamps/low lights and listening to lovely music like this alone, pondering my thoughts. It would be nice to meet a man who deserves to share this music with me but until then I can feel safe and calm and at peace with myself.
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