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Hi everyone,
My story is quite a long one and I’ve posted in ‘new to forum’, introducing myself.
My ex, still married to him, and I split up last yr. Ours was an emotionally abusive and sometimes violent relationship, that actually distanced me from friends and family, even my four adult kids. He liked to make me feel as insecure as possible and lie to do so, this way he could trickle feed me the odd nicety so I’d think it was me who was wrong all the time. He did many things and I forgave him every time…..just couldn’t forget! Explains in my intro about myself.My problem right now is, he has threatened court action many times regarding overnight access to our child. We have attended one mediation where he agreed to leave things as they are and review in three months time. We are halfway through that.
He has always had unlimited access to our child, up until mid Feb, where he got caught out in a pile of lies by his family and the woman he left me for. A woman he has already started treating the same way as he did me…..karma is a b***h sometimes! Two cheaters don’t exactly make for a great start in life together. Once his lies were uncovered, he stopped seeing our child like before. Was heartbreaking for our child. It was through mediation that access days were arranged.
Our child is undergoing assessment for sensory processing issues amongst other things and so life is quite hard for him. He needs routine and familiarity to prevent meltdowns. He attends pre school several times a week to help him learn social interaction skills, and tho he loves it, he does find it extremely stressful and subsequently major meltdown occurs once home. His father is aware of all this, including the speech problems our child has as a result of the other issues. I have begged his father not to introduce new woman and her army of kids to our child, at least until he is diagnosed and we know what is going on. He and her have just had a baby together. she fell pregnant within a month of the affair apparently!
He has been dropped in it by our child who said he had been to her home, said this in front of his father, who said our child had got it wrong and blatantly lied in front of our confused child. Was very sad to see the confusion on a child who has speech impairment. Hes done this a couple times now and it is really starting to upset me that he feels he can do this to our child.
He has been messing around with the access days too, days his solicitor and he chose. He swaps them around to suit his own social activities. Brings our child home after a whole day with the same pull-up on and not having taken him to the loo. He went on a booze bender one night and forgot to set his alarm to wake him up in time to collect our child for the day, then wondered why I said no when he text in afternoon asking if he could come get him.
He brought him home extremely early recently saying our child hadn’t wanted dinner. I subsequently found out no dinner had been offered to our child who was starving. All because his father wanted to go play football.
He has cancelled todays access because he is sick. Which has meant I have had to cancel my plans, which is ok. But now he is hounding me to have him tomorrow because he has bought tickets for something. But so have I…..I have plans tomorrow and I don’t want to change them. But neither do I want our child to not see his father. I have offered to hurry my plans and let him have our child in the afternoon, but that’s not good enough. He says I am stopping him from seeing our child, but I’m not!!
He makes me very edgy and nervous and I worry constantly now about his ability to call our son a liar to his face just to keep his own back clean.
Am I being unreasonable?? I struggle sometimes to know if I make the right decisions.
Sorry for such long rant. x -
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I recommend getting this book:
The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics (SAGE Series on Violence against Women) Paperback – 3 Nov 2011
by R. Lundy Bancroft (Author), Jay G. Silverman (Author), Daniel Ritchie (Author)https://www.amazon.co.uk/Batterer-Parent-Addressing-Domestic-Violence/dp/1412972051
There is a section that deals with post seperation and child care arrangements/visitation.
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Hi, I really feel for you as one of my children has similar issues to your son. My ex used that situation to hurt me which ended in long delays in getting her diagnosis and treatment. We ended up going through court regarding access because his treatment of them got so bad and he wouldn’t stop trying to control me. It was tough but at least from a mucking around with times point of view, he now sticks to the court order. He has not stopped abusing the children emotionally though and they still suffer the effects of that. I agree with the book recommendation, it will help you understand his tactics clearly so you feel less confused and doubt yourself less. You are not being unreasonable, you are trying to care for son in an appropriate way whereas he clearly isn’t. It is incredibly upsetting to see our kids upset like this, but the stronger and calmer we can become the better. This will be easier for you if you can find a way of having no direct contact with him. It has been my saviour. Good luck x*x
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Hi, I Am Better Than This.
My heart goes out to you.
I am also dealing with a malignant ex whose treatment of my kids is a constant worry and concern.
I was dealing with an ex who lacked any empathy or concern and who, in fact, enjoyed sabotaging his own children’s wellbeing. This sick abuser was making it his mission to twist the children’s minds to go and live with him.
The best piece of advice I can give you ( I did this and never looked back!) is to call the NSPCC helpline on 0808 800 5000.
The phones are manned by qualified child psychotherapists and counsellors.
They don’t like to get involved in ongoing court cases, which is why it would be great if you could glean their advice and get support from them at this stage.
My ex was operating at a lawless and chaotic level regarding the children, abusing at every turn. I was advised to actually get a contact order in place, to involve professionals and so that there was some framework in place which my ex had to keep to, and so he would be forced to behave with my children in some way. Any slip ups, I can log and take it back to court.
As the NSPCC told me, a court order lessens his opportunity for abuse.
It is worth calling the NSPCC helpline, truly it is. X
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