21st February 2016 at 1:43 pm #10099
My abuser’s new primary victim is our daughter (just an adult in age). She was always a secondary abused victim of his, all her life but as I was his primary victim I got the brunt of his abuse. I was the main victim in the cycle of abuse with him. He always had her on the go, in a mini-cycle of abuse. He abused both of us in the family home. Her other siblings had to watch on for decades whilst these cycles of abuse took place. That was their normal. They have not lived any other way.
Now that I’ve escaped his cycle of abuse he needed someone new to take my place as his primary victim. He didn’t get a new girlfriend to take my place on the cycle of abuse with him. He’s using our daughter As his Primary victim of abuse, as his emotional punch-bag so he feels powerful.
But because she’s now his primary victim and had the main role on the cycle of abuse with him, her mind and emotions are in a complete mess. As Silky says in another post, he is doing to her mind what he did to my mind.
I know the pain of that and I find it so hard to watch. I have tried to subtly (I have to be careful) point out that its not her but him. But she doesn’t want to hear. She shouts back at me. ‘Stop it! I don’t want to hear it’. This may be a one comment that I can’t help saying (in my distress at seeing her distressed after abusive incident), I may say ‘Don’t let him sabotage this for you’.
But she’s still in the stage of blaming herself. And this is compounded by the fact that HE blames her, relentlessly. And one of her siblings blames her (hard not to, as the abuser is so cunning and does make it out that its the victim’s fault).
The other siblings are being supportive of her in her distress but don’t realise He is the one pulling her strings, and think she has a low threshold to stress probably, and attribute the fact her mind and emotions are messed up due to that and not the fact she’s in the cycle of abuse with him.
So I’ve left the abusive relationship with him and can see the ‘reality’ of who he is. Btw, it took me 2 decades to get to this stage. But my darling children (including our daughter he is abusing and her life is going downhill as a result) do not see it.
Even abuser’s family are ‘blaming’ my daughter for the trouble she is causing him (when her emotions are in a mess). They are ‘pretending concern’ but contacting my daughter’s sibling who she is close with, saying poor abuser dad and what he has to put up with. Exact same pattern but it used to be me they were complaining about!
Any thoughts welcome ladies. I know I am powerless as I can’t break my daughter and her siblings (my children’s ) denial. I don’t care about his family and their denial. But I do care about my children’s denial because their denial means he can abuse them left, right and centre and he still gets off the hook and meanwhile their mental health and even relationships with each other is being badly affected.
21st February 2016 at 2:46 pm #10103KIP.Participant
Hi there, I’ve been unable to log in for weeks so I don’t know if this post will even send. They won’t in pm. Have you considered involving women’s aid with her. They know exactly what she’s going through and having a WA worker she can speak to could be the answer. Or even giving her a copy of Living With The Dominator? I couldn’t speak to my adult son at first I was so traumatised so I gave him a copy of that book. This way, there’s no blaming. Just strategies to deal with her abuser. It’s awful when they use their kids. I just make sure the lines of communication are left open but don’t discuss my sons dad. My son will come to me as a flying monkey and I will calmly put my side of the story. (The truth). He then seems to see that he’s being used. I had a good chat about victim blaming. I could see the penny drop. I hope thing calm down for her. She too is allowed no contact if she chooses. There’s no shame. It’s self preservation👍
21st February 2016 at 4:16 pm #10112
I missed your responses to the posts for the last while, so hopefully you’ll be able to in when needed.
Thanks for that advice. I’ll buy the book. I’ve read Lundy’s book but never ‘Living with the Dominator’, as you say she can then take what she needs for where she’s at, and leave whatever she’s not ready to face.
She has an appointment with a counsellor who understands the abuser’s patterns and behaviours. This counsellor helped me a lot and is very kind, the pain from the abuse has got so bad at least my daughter is reaching out for help.
Unfortunately she has no feeling to go ‘No Contact’ with her dad. She is dependent on him financially for major expenses like fees and roof over her head,for half the month. I provide for her the other half of the month.
However she is applying to go abroad next September for a year, to study abroad. Maybe that is her way of instigating No Contact.
She can’t ignore the reality that I have gone strict ‘No Contact’ with her abuser and I’m flourishing.
I also went No Contact with my mother whom I was in an abusive relationship with but their is a fallout for me with that (all families abusers and mine, meet regularly for dinner with my children and I’m the ONLY ONE not there) and I’m not sure if she feels strong enough to cope with that fallout.
She knows she will be the outcast with her abuser dad’s family (grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles), even her own siblings (my children) will side with the abuser (due to his manipulation and dominance). There will be me and her doing ‘No Contact’ against abuser dad. I don’t think she’s ready to lose all the other family members who are ENABLING the abuser.
21st February 2016 at 4:30 pm #10115KIP.Participant
Sounds like you’re doing great. You’re the only one not invited to diner but you take it in your stride. Have diner another night and invite the people you would like. No contact really is amazing. My problem is he wants me to take him to court for the finances as he wont agree. Bringing us into forced contact. I’m going for a non harassment order soon, once again bringing me into forced contact? What choice do I have?
21st February 2016 at 5:08 pm #10122Confused123Participant
its so hard when we have to watch the kids receive abuse, i would always let her know u r there if she needs support. could social services get involved or would that make it more difficult for her, call womens aid and see what support is available for her , i found with my son i am have just waiting to realize he has to focus on his life, and trying to be positive role model, we can only wait for them to walk away, maybe this trip away will be good for her, could other siblings offer any support
21st February 2016 at 7:54 pm #10148Ellen bParticipant
Hon iv not really got any advice sorry but sending hugs hope your daughter stays safe xx
21st February 2016 at 9:07 pm #10158
Thanks everyone for the hugs and support, feeling stronger as a result.
Thank God for this Forum.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.