my chidren's denial

[lover of no contact]

I’m feeling rattled. I didn’t keep my mouth shut and I didn’t mind my own business. A button of mine was pushed. I was having dinner with my adult child and teenager.

My adult-child is in denial about my abuser (their dad) abusing my other adult-child (her sibling). She was victim- blaming her sister (not in a mean way but just she’s in denial about her abuser dad).

I spoke my truth and for once (I rarely do this if its to do with his abuse of me) and said that the abused-sibling is only like she is (an emotional mess ) because of him.

My daughter’s responses in a nutshell:

‘Its not him (abuser-dad_, its her’ and it wasn’t him, it was you’ and he is great (basically).

And your abuser mum and your abuser brother are good too.

You play a part and they are like they are because of the role you play.

Agh! I could scream. I knew I was up against denial. My daughter wasn’t saying this in a cruel way but in a factual way (its what she believes). Buts its so frustrating.

Luckily I didn’t go any further in the conversation.

The bait for me was I didn’t want my abused adult-daughter (her sibling) her reactions, to be blamed. I put the blame squarely on the abuser.
I named it.
I said their dad was a bully and he caused her mind and emotions to be a mess last year.

This abused daughter of mine has been away from her dad for a good while and has thrived, complete manageable life and calm emotions.

She will soon be coming home to live with him and we are all nervous that her unmanageability and emotional distress will start up again.

Her sister who today defended the abuser (and abuser mum and uncle) and blamed me and her abused sibling is very close to her sister and is dreading seeing her in a mess again but blames her not her abuser dad.

Its all so confusing isn’t it because the abusers in my family are fantastic actors. I could never compete with them.

Interestingly enough my teenage son who I am very close to,stayed quiet through this conversation and never gave his opinion.

Usually my rule of thumb is never to mention my abuser with anyone in any of my conversations especially my children as their opinions just triggers me.

But I broke my pact with myself because I didn’t want my daughter to be blamed for her ‘normal reactions’ to being abused.

[KIP.]

Hey there. You will bounce back. My adult son is in denial too. He actually sent me a text saying thanks for making his life difficult. Just because I wouldn’t withdraw a restraing order against his father. We were in denial for years but we saw the truth eventually and they will too. Meantime, don’t be hard on yourself. You are stuck in a difficult position X

[Serenity]

Hi LONC,

It’s hard. My children have been in denial at various times- despite being victims of his behaviour. We’ve spoken before on this forum about how their fear of facing reality governs them so much.

I rarely mention my ex and when I have done ( rare too ) it’s when my buttons have been really pushed, when the kids have believed something my ex had told them where I gauge it’s important they know the facts. We always feel bad after saying anything, because we try to do the right thing and rise above the game of verbal ping pong, but there are times when we need to say something. I believe that those times we do say anything are important. Our gut has told us it’s important to speak up. It might cause ripples now, but your kids will have time to reflect on your view, and knowing your view might help them to eventually process and understand things.

I think kids hit out when they are confronted by truth, as it’s painful to accept. I know you say your daughter thinks she is speaking factually : she may not fully understand the truth until some time in the future. Hold your head up and stand by the truth. Keep on going- you’re doing so well x

[lover of no contact]

aw thanks girls. The supportive replies make a difference for me. I know we are all dealing with similar.

Yes I’m glad I did speak out, I couldn’t let my daughter be victim-blamed (as I know he is smearing her to her siblings and other relatives) and me to say nothing. And at least I knew to keep it simple. Give my take on it but then not get into it too much.

The whole abuse-dynamics are very confusing and baffling. All I can do is keep my awareness up by keep coming on this Forum.

[Author]

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