My child turning against me

[Neueranfang]

I left my abusive ex and the father of my (detail removed by Moderator) children just under (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. The aftermath of the break up has been horrific really and slowly slowly he is stopping to obsess over me (I think/hope).My children recently told me that he is talking to/seeing another woman.So hopefully that will shift his focus.He is not paying maintenance for our children and not really contributing anything good to their lives.They see him regularly but always on his terms.Unfortunately he lives right next to (detail removed by Moderator) as he moved himself back in with his mum.There isn’t an arrangement in place.The children just see him when they are free, on different days and they never stay over night.Recently he has been dropping them back to me (not to my house but to (detail removed by Moderator) near my house where I would meet them.Last week he screamed abuse at me when dropping them back before driving off.Anyway, my (detail removed by Moderator) son (detail removed by Moderator) is very fond of him.Hard for me to understand as he literally doesn’t do anything for them kids.I noticed a change of behaviour in my son these last few weeks.He doesn’t treat me with respect and constantly’kicks off’.Everything is a struggle with him.Minor things like brushing teeth, going to bed, doing homework.He is very rude to me and talks to me like s**t really.Tonight when he kicked off about brushing his teeth.I said he is acting like a baby and he replied that I am ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’.I was really taken back by this.He was laughing at me and taking the p**s out of me acknowledging that when I was with his dad I cried a lot, sometimes hysterically but he clearly doesn’t see why I was crying and everything I had to go through to get away from his dad and make life better for them.I don’t know if their dad is badmouthing me when they are with him or what is going on in his head.Maybe it is just pre puberty but I’m struggling with his behaviour at the moment.Other people don’t see it as my son is well behaved at school/when with others but so disrespectful and rude when with me.He doesn’t seem to appreciate anything I am doing for them while their dad doesn’t do anything but he worships him.

[Am I to blame]

I’m really sorry to hear about your situation. I’m in a similar rut… dad just buys affection and tells all the lies and I’m left with no child after having the most wonderful relationship with her since she was born. I haven’t seen or spoken with her for a couple of weeks and my heart is simply broken.
Your son is just enjoying the fact that he now has a relationship with his dad, he’ll soon get bored. He knows you will always be there for him so he can push your boundaries and say and do whatever he feels like.
Stay strong and try telling him you don’t appreciate the way he treats you.
I’m no expert but I recognise your pain. People keep telling me my daughter will come back to me but it’s hard to believe it when you see them acting like strangers.
Take care x

[Neueranfang]

Thanks a lot for your reply.
I’m really sorry to hear that you are away from your child.That’s very sad and unfair. My ex would never asked our children to live with him as he can’t even look after himself.He moved himself back in with his mum after I left him as he needs someone looking after him.So pathetic really.It might be pre puberty as well.But I also believe my ex is badmouthing me in front of the children.
I hope you are ok!

[tiredofitall]

It’s really hard for these kids as we are asking them to understand behaviours that even we struggle with as adults. But as a parent I might help to acknowledge that you did cry and why (as safely as you can and think they’ll understand) but it’s also important to set boundaries for behaviour and also choose your battles. My daughter from about 10 appeared to love to argue with me. And I was finding myself getting into it too. So I decided to change tack and step away when I thought it was going too far but sometimes that meant that the rules were relaxed a bit but I thought she’s been through a lot. I also heard that they take it out on you because you are a safe place that they can rely on. She couldn’t get her frustrations out with her dad because he would judge and hold it against her whereas she knew I would always be there.
Try and keep talking about what interests them and be there ready whenever they want you. And they do need you, they just don’t always know it.
It’s not easy being a parent but I’m sure you are doing a great job

[StrongLife]

I understand the statement they see your kids on his terms.

Please be careful in this situation as he can take off with kids if there is no parenting plan in place.

[Author]

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