My daughter

[lover of no contact]

I have a lot of children (teen and adult-children) with my ex husband (abuser). My bond with half my children is not really affected by my abuser’s behaviour (temporarily but not seriously and they soon revert back to being their normal selves with me).

My other half of the children are very ‘influenced’ by their abuser dad. After he starts his tactic of ‘subtly influencing them against me’ my bond with these children becomes weakened. This causes me emotional pain. These children hold my abuser in high esteem (and this becomes apparent by their actions at Christmas-hence I’m triggered).

They don’t seem to have a mind of their own. They don’t see through him.(Maybe they do but its safer to try keep him happy). They don’t realize they are being manipulated and the end result is their attitude to me changes. They do not put much effort into wanting to speak to me, be in contact with me. I feel if I stopped putting in 90 percent there would be no relationship. I suppose their time and energy goes into their abuser dad. He demands it. I don’t, so they would not have the same pressure/demands with me.

It doesn’t help that my abuser mum and brother (I have no contact with them) will make out that they are the ‘victims’ in my relationship with my children. I have had to go No Contact with them because of their abuse but they are ‘rewriting history’ to these half of my children. My other children although influenced by my mum/brother/ex-husband seem to trust their own perceptions of me rather than the abusers so our bond is not weakened.

I feel the abusers in my life (my mum, brother, ex husband) took control of the time I had with my children over Christmas day and boxing day.

Christmas day was my ex’s turn to have the children. I did see them for (detail removed by Moderator). But he stipulated to my daughter (detail removed by Moderator) and no more (CONTROL again!) I feel by things my children have said to me after that my abuser used that time (having the Christmas meal) to subtly influence them against my daughter (one he abuses but who is abroad) and I. This triggers me.

Then boxing day was my time to be with my children so I thought. But my children told me they bwere invited to the house of (detail removed by Moderator)) and my ex-husband was driving them down and going with them. As a result I spent boxing day on my own (again). My mum and brother know how my ex tried to destroy me and take the children from me using the courts but they have him to dinner with the children on Boxing day. My husband knows how my mother treated me but he has her to dinner regularly in his house with my children.

I’m just getting my feelings out. I’ve been triggered by my abusers at Christmas, their affect on half of my children.

Despite all I had a good Christmas using the tools of gratitude (being grateful for what I have instead of what I do not have), I refused to have a ‘pity-party’ (self-pity), I had no expectations for Christmas so I wouldn’t be disappointed etc.

I guess abusers just up the ante at Christmas time and I get triggered by their behaviour.

I don’t care about my abuser’s (mum, brother, ex’s feelings towards me). Half of my children are not affected by their shenanigans but I am affected by my other half of my children whom seem to distance themselves from me and have a distrustful attitude towards me after being in the company of my abuser mum, brother and ex-husband.

Would really welcome any perspectives from you ladies to help me.

[Eve1]

Hi LONC,

Could it be that your older children are more influenced by your ex because they spent more time with him as their dad when you were together before your were so savvy about abuse? You do so well in seeing it all so clearly but it’s painful isn’t it? We see their manipulation so blatantly, but our children cannot.

I feel for you and send hugs

xx

[KIP.]

Hi, your kids are victims in this as you once were. My son didn’t even text or send a Xmas card to me which hurt me but i know how trapped he feels. I’m playing the long game. Keeping the line of communication open with firm boundaries. I just have to trust that one day he will see his father for the abuser and manipulator he really is. In the meantime I protect myself and I don’t give my son the power to hurt me. Try not to give your children that power either. You have done the right thing by keeping abusers out of your life. Hopefully, in time your kids will see what is right and what is wrong. In the meantime keep your firm boundaries in place. I cannot begin to imagine having young children with an abuser. It was horrific for my young adult son who was involved in the court case against his father so I’m sure his father is still making him pay for that. Using anything he can. Just stay strong and play the long game X

[lover of no contact]

Thanks Eve, that is so true. the children were exposed too long to ‘his attitude’ towards me and his undermining of me at every turn.

There were many years of damage done to ‘my children’s perception of me’ due to me being in a continuous cycle of abuse with him, he always having the upper hand and an agenda (of which myself and the children were unaware). I suppose me being away from him (out of the abuse cycle) means there is space for healing to begin but setbacks occur for me when he has a period where he is filling their minds with ‘rubbish’ about me. This affects their attitude towards me but it is actually only temporarily (hopefully). When they have enough time away from him (not often, as he makes sure he is in their life constantly) my relationship with those children seem to revert back to normal (until he starts again!). And I just get so triggered, but reaching out for support helps. Thankyou.

KIP, although sad and hurtful for you, your experience with your son helps me realize this is a part of having been in an abusive relationship we have to learn how to manage, the affects on our relationship with our children having had an abuser in our life and having had children with one.

I like your attitude and it is true changed attitudes aid recovery. I can’t change him and him in my children’s ears all the time he’s with them, painting me in a bad light. But I can work on changing my attitude towards this. I need to work on not taking it so personally. I appreciate your wisdom and I will adopt it too:

-I will protect myself and not give my daughters the power to hurt me (after their dad has been working on them).
-I will keep my firm boundaries in place but keeping the lines of communication in place.
-I will remember that 2 can play the game (and it is a game to my abuser). I can play the long game.

I have to remind myself that nothing is stronger than the truth. The truth always surfaces. He (abuser) is who he is, although he thought he had a perfect facade, I saw though him. And I am who I am.

I guess in 3 family systems I am the only one in reality. Its hard for my children to resist the perception my family (mother and brother), my abuser (their dad) and his family system (their granny/ aunts/uncles/cousins) put out about me. All 3 systems are subtly portraying me in a negative light to my children at times so ‘the family enablers’ can be let off the hook and continue to support and enable abusers.

But then I too did support and enable abusers in my life when I was in denial.

[Author]

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